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Sunday, December 07, 2008

This Weekend

Mom and dad are on a 7 day cruise. Friday night, we went by their house to say goodbye. Mom has been shopping over the last couple of weeks. Most of the clothes in her closet totally swallow her. She excitedly showed off all her new finds. She even dug some clothes out of her packed suitcase. She looks great in her size 4 clothes and lucky for me, I can wear most of them. (A little tighter fit than her) She commented that she has gained a pound or two . . . please.

They were both excited about the trip, been a long time coming. I hope they have the best time ever. After this summer, they need it.

Little Man's Birthday was this weekend. He turned 10 (still doesn't sound right). He wanted a big birthday party like Little Girl had a month ago. I wasn't sure if it was going to happen, everyone is so busy this time of year.

Thursday before his Saturday party, I knew 7 kids were coming. We had sent invitations out to everyone in his class (around 20) Only 1 from his class had RSVP. I knew Little Man would be disappointed if more didn't show from his class so I decided to send another invitation (reminder) out on Friday. Hubby said that I was being overbearing . . . not me. The one mom who RSVP said that her daughter had just given her the invitation that had been sent out the week before. So I figured the rest of the class probably had not given their parents the invitation, they are 3rd graders after all. Friday, we had a couple more RSVP and by Saturday morning, the birthday was a go with 13 confirmed.

I rushed around Saturday morning getting everything ready. I planned for 15 just in case and then 19 kids showed. It was a success although I did have to improvise with extra goodie bags.

The details of the party will have to wait for a later post, I'm crashing fast. But before I sign off.

Little Girl was in the shower, daddy was on cleaning detail. Little Girl has a mild soap for sensitive areas and a stronger soap for the rest of her body. A few minutes into her shower she yells, "DAD, I need some more Booty Soap!"

At Little Man's party, she got a whoopee cushion in her goodie bag (luck of the draw). So for the past couple of days, she's been carrying it around asking everyone with a sweet smile on her face, "You wanna hear me poot." I bet she'll ask to take it to Show and Tell next week, great.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Belle's Poem

Do you just have the feeling that something is wrong?That pain in your gut is a little too strong?Do you find that there’s blood leaking out your back door?Is it just IBS or could it be something more?Is it hemorrhoids or crohns or even UC?Or could it be, would it be the really “BIG C”Well pick up the phone, don’t waste any time;If you don’t have a doctor then you can call mine.And schedule the procedure that everyone fears;With the lights and the camera’s but no need for tears.For you’re out like a light in the dead of the night;And with the drugs that they give you there’s no need for fright.It’s the prep that’s a hassle - the procedure is notAnd after the scope is when you’ll learn a lot.But good news or bad there’s one place you can goTo the Colon Club Forum where all the folks knowCause they’ve been there before and they know what it’s likeTo wake up in the middle of a long lonely night.They’re there to give help, they’re there for supportThey’re there when you need them when others may not.They’ll help with advice or a shoulder to cry onThe Colon Club Forum – you can always rely on.

BelleDX 10/07 Stage III Colorectal CancerSurgery 11/17/0727 of 38 nodes affected10 rounds of FOLFOX; 2 rounds of Xeloda30 radiation treatments with 5FU pump 24/744 Years Old - NED!!!!!

Roses are redViolets are blueI love your poemAbout colons and poo....Love it.jamiana

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Testament of Love

Mom had a doctor's appt. on Tuesday. The wait was pretty tough, sitting in the waiting room scanning the faces of those fighting their way through chemo. Trying to keep small talk going with mom to pass the time while recognizing our worst fear in the faces of others in the room.

Finally, the nurse called us back to the examining room. She checked Mom's weight (no more weight loss, yea), checked her vitals, and asked about her medications. When she finished and left the room, the wait and small talk continued.

The doctor finally came in, welcomed each of us with handshakes and smiles, and then cut straight to the chase. The last scan showed absolutely no tumor, no suspicious lymph nodes, and absolutely no cancer. He ended the appt by saying Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! No more appointments until next year.

God is so good. His love surrounds us even when we think not. He saw us through some pretty dark times this past summer. A friend gave me a song that has been with me for some time now;

You're not alone, for I am here. Let me wipe away your every tear. My love, I never left your side, I saw you through your darkest night. I'm the One that's loved you all your life.

By His Stripes, we are healed. Thank you Jesus for your amazing love.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

When I was 18

Below is an email I received a few days ago. It brought back so many great memories.

When I was 18 yrs old, my goal was to eliminate all prejudice and racism starting in Jackson, Tn and then in the world. I attended a COGIC church (Church of God in Christ), one of the largest black Christian denominations in the world. With me attending, the church was integrated and that was a start towards my colorblind world. (I really thought I was something, huh)

Anyway, I got involved in the youth program and attempted to really impact their lives. Truth is, they impacted my life more than I ever impacted their lives.

We put on a play at the church. The play was "Down by the Creek Bank" written by Dottie Rambo. It was a play my brother and I did at the old Pentecostal church we attended as kids. It's about as country as you can get. Before my kids, I considered those kids and that play my biggest accomplishment.

We had a gazillion play practices leading up to the big night. After practice, I would load as many kids as I could (12 plus) inside my car. When seats were full with bodies, I 'd open my hatchback and pile more in. I'd take them home. Many lived in a project, one considered the worst in Jackson. There was only one street in and out, it would make a big loop, one way. I might be scared now thinking of the area, insurance, kids not in seat belts and more, but it didn't phase me then.

While I loved them all, one particular little girl stole my heart. She was incredibly cute but even more than that had the biggest personality I'd ever seen. I brought her home with me to Tulsa for a couple of weeks. She said that when she grew up she was going to go to Oral Roberts University. We took her to Lake Keystone, just had so much fun with her. I remember sitting on my bed with her and my mom looking at her hair after a day spent on the lake. She was passing out from a day of fun in the sun as Mom and I tried to brush her hair. She looked like Buckwheat by the time we gave up and called a friend to help.

I often thought about her through the years. I can't tell you how excited I am that she and her family are doing so well. Check out the email below.

Hi Pastor and First Lady,

I hope this email finds you and the family in good health and basking in the joy of the lord. I hope you remember me. I had a chance to write you a while back saying hello. I was looking on the COGIC website and I thought of you and First Lady Porter. I remember all the times my family would come over and fellowship with you all. I just wanted to give you an update on myself and family since we haven't had a chance to come visit; however I do hope to come visit soon.

I graduated May 10, 2008 with a Bachelors of Science Degree in Information Systems with a concentration in Systems Development and Analysis. I currently work for AT&T as a Project Manager in IL (Northwest Suburb of Chicago).

You know I was a little girl when we moved away from Jackson and I'm now 21. It's been a great year for me but also one of my most difficult ones because I'm really growing up. I graduated, started a career, moved into an apartment, and purchased a car. I've been making adult decisions and learning to trust God. I was very scared and nervous about working in a Corporate environment and being in the 'Real World' but God has comforted me so much and is helping me though the process. I really miss being at home but it shows that I'm really maturing and developing into a beautiful Woman of God.

I plan on attending graduate school next fall to earn a MBA and eventually I want to start a nonprofit organization on the Southside of Chicago. My ultimate goal and passion in life is to help people and work for the ministry. So, now I've been saving and networking with different people so I can really do the outreach that I love to do.

My mother is doing great. She's working hard as always and still involved in the church. She's our Sunday School Superintendent. My sisters are growing up as well. This year my mother will have a 22 year old, 19 yr old, and 17 yr old. We all attend the same church, so I get to see them on weekends.

My sister is a sophomore in college majoring in Pre-Vet and the baby is a junior in High School. She really enjoys singing. Well, I wanted to stay in touch with you and First Lady and hopefully we will get to visit soon. I love you all and I will continue to pray for you all as well. A big hug from me to you all!

LIttle Man

Little Man always says things clear out of left field. I'm sure he gets it from me, but it's weird being on the receiving end of it.

Sometimes it's good. After listening to me sing a song he has said, "Mom, you should go on American Idol!"

Sometimes, it's bad. This weekend he asked, "Mom, a long time ago when you were young, did you have a skinny waist?"


Thursday, September 04, 2008

On the Colon Club

After Mom's appt last week, I posted on the Colon Club. I just love Bradyr and Belle, they always respond to my posts. I'm so glad they were there, then and now.

by momsCancer on Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:55 am
it's really been a while since I've checked in here. Mom's healing up from treatment and I've jumped back into my family, job, and life. She had a PET Scan and we met with the doctor on Tues. He showed us the before and after pics. You could really see the tumor from the pics in April and then absolutely nothing lit up from the last scans. YIPPEE! She's going to have a scope done in a couple of weeks just for a closer look. But PET Scan of colon look good!!! So, as terrible as the treatment was (terrible's not even a strong enough word), looks like it totally did it's thing!We could tell the doctor had a scans look good . . .BUT coming. Sure enough, the doctor said that a couple of lymph nodes in Mom's chest were lit up. He said that it could be anything inflammation from a cold (she's not noticed being sick but who knows). He doesn't think it's the cancer. He said that's a long jump from the colonrectal to the chest. It wouldn't make sense for it to be the cancer, since when does cancer make sense? So another 6 week wait for another PET Scan then 2 more weeks to see the doctor, basically won't know anything for 2 months. I almost wish he would not have said anything about the lit up lymph nodes in her chest. She left the doctor's office in tears. She wanted it to be done, no more tests, no more cancer, no more doc appts, etc... I followed her to her house and stayed with her as she cried until I could talk her into going for icecream, (my cure-all drug). She's still nauseous 24/7. The only thing that works is a suppository that knocks her out. When she wakes up, she's not nauseous for a little while. She's so tired of being sick. Fatigue is still a problem. She eats very little and then pays for it a day or two later. So, it's like she eats (like a bird ) 1 day and then pays for it in diarrhea and nausia and doesn't eat for 2 days following. She's lost alot of weight. The diarrhea is a problem. Just Monday at work, she didn't make it to the bathroom and it went through her clothes. Wow! I had dreams Monday night of coming here and posting she's dancing with NED and maybe she is, guess we won't know 100 percent for a few more weeks.
MOM has Stage 2 Anal Cancer on chemo (5-FU and Mitomycin-C) for 6 weeks. Looking to vent and give/receive support. My blog address is;www.onecrazeemommy.blogspot.comI should change the name to one crazee daughter, I think.

Posts: 45
Joined: Tue May 27, 2008 12:53 am

Re: Hello
by NWgirl on Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:18 pm
Thank you for the update. I have been wondering about her and how you are both doing. I wish she was doing better - but I'm glad there has been at least some improvement. Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
BelleDX 10/07 Stage III Colorectal CancerSurgery 11/17/0727 of 38 nodes affected10 rounds of FOLFOX; 2 rounds of Xeloda30 radiation treatments with 5FU pump 24/744 Years Old - NED!!!!!

Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:24 am
Location: Battle Ground, Washington

Re: Hello
by bradyr on Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:31 pm
don't lose hope. It's very likely that the doctor is right... that this isn't cancer at all. I've had little thinks like this light up before, they disapeared next scan. but, part of the bad of this illness is the uncertainty. It's very hard to live with, but that's what you have. The good news is that the response has been excellent. Worse case, there is no reason that these additional problems couldn't be taken care of, but you don't have worry about any additional treatments for at least two months.but as well as she responded, it sounds like the doctor feels good taht this nothing. He had to tell you because he has to disclose everything) but he was confient to tell you he didn't think it was cancer. A lot of times if the doctor has doubt he won't say that - just that we have to wait and see.so, I have a good feeling about this - I say screw the possible problem - go ahead and declare yourself done with this and - let tommorow (or in this case two months from now take care of itself in due time). but until then, put this out of your head and just celebrate beating this cancer.
bradyrDX Stage IV 2/07 mets liver/bone/brain/spleencolon resection 3wks radiation for bone metsfolfox4 + Avastin 6m/Xeloda for 4mGamma Knife brain lesion 1/08Now on FolFiri 12 of 15CEA 11 down from 49 2wks agoSIRT Spheres r-lobe 7/24 l-lobe 8/19

Posts: 852
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2007 8:19 pm
Location: Redmond, Wa

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Mom Hit the Mall

Mom's getting better and better. This past weekend, she went shopping and bought new clothes. Sunday, I swung by the house to check out her new duds. I'm going to borrow her new suit, if I can squeeze into it.

She still has rotten days, bathroom issues occasionally, and pretty persistent nausea but in Dad's words, "She's turn the corner." Thank you, God.

I cleaned out my purse today. Way past due. I found a blog I'd written at a doctor's appt a while ago. It goes like this;

In talking to a friend, I realized. . . it's not the Cancer. It's the loss of control. I really couldn't see it before. What is my deal? I really need to get a grip!

I thought I was stronger than this, much more capable. This might be extremely naive, but I honestly lived almost 37 years thinking that life makes since. You know, good things happen to good people. . . the early bird gets the worm. . . if you think you can, you can. . .and so on. . .

The realization that, that's not always true has me in pieces.

I know, pretty pathetic, huh. Not sure why I decided to post it now, but there it is.

I'm in St. Louis, hubby is driving back from Kansas City, and the kids are with Grandma and Paw Paw. I miss them.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

She's So Cute

Coming home from St. Louis last Friday night, I stopped by a friends house to pick up her daughter for a sleepover. She was sitting on the front porch with her mama packed and ready to go. She gets in the car as I talk to her mom for just a few minutes. She starts humming, a subtle "okay, anyday now tune. . ." Taking the hint, I give my friend a hug, get in the car, and head home.

It's about a 15 minute drive to the house so I struck up a conversation with Blondie. So, "Are you ready to go" as I back out of the driveway. Her reply with attitude was "YES, I AM!" Smiling I asked, "How was your day at school" she began talking and didn't stop until we pulled in the driveway.

I should take this girl with me to St. Louis. She's so entertaining! Jumping subject to subject all the way home, she had me cracking up.

She said school was great, her teacher is Mrs. McCreedy. Switching gears she let me know she packed her own bag for the sleepover. She said she had her favorite toy. . . 2 of them, a glidescope. I asked, "A Glidescope, what's that?" She said, you know you look through it and see beautiful shapes and colors as you turn it. She went on and said she had her pj's, a webkinz, a new toothbrush, and her notebooks. Then she started describing all the pictures in her notebook. In describing 1 pic, she said, "This is a picture of me with a brain and here's a picture of me with long hair." I ask, "No brain?" Her reply, "Nope, . . . just long hair."

She said she had a purse that she got on her date with daddy. They went to an expensive restaurant for ravioli's but not the kind she likes. She kept talking and before I knew it, we pulled in the driveway.

Later that night, Daddy and I had to get on Baby Girl. Not sure if she was just tired or what, but she was really fussy and whiny acting. As I walked back into Baby Girl's room, I told Blondie, "Sorry to leave you in here by yourself. We had to talk to Baby Girl, does your Mommy and Daddy ever have to do that?" She said, "Not at night." I smiled and said, "You must be perfect." She said, "Yes, well almost." Chuckling as Baby Girl walks into the room, I ask if they were ready for bed. They both said, "NO!" Blondie said she wants to stay up and party all night and then sleep all day in the pool.

They went to sleep at midnight and were up by 7. This girl, she's cute as a button with her bright blond hair, big attitude, and non-stopping confidence.

Saturday, her big brother and little sister joined us for a few hours. That made a total of 6 kids (mine, hers, and Little Man's Best Friend) and I'm happy to report. . . I did not lose my mind. They were actually really good.

Big Brother was really sweet in the pool watching out for his two little sisters. Little Sister is all things baby even though she's 3. She's tiny, talks baby talk, and has the sweetest smile ever. She kept telling me she wanted her "Shoes." I brought them to her but Big Sis finally interpreted, "She wants juice." When Little Sister had to go to the bathroom, I lifted her onto the toilet seat and just about threw her through the roof. When I lift Baby Girl, I really have to put some umph into it. This little girl weighs nothing.

It was a great Friday Sleepover and Saturday Play Date!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Clean Colon

Have to make this really quick.

Doctor said that tumor is gone and no cancer detected in the colon. Praise God!

Suspicious areas light up on a PET Scan. There's nothing lit up down under. There were a few lymph nodes lit up in her chest. He says the PET Scan pics itself were not great. The lit up areas probably is nothing, maybe inflammation from a cold (she hasn't been sick though).

The gastro doc yesterday scheduled another scope just to make sure colon is good. The onc. doc today scheduled another PET Scan in 6 weeks to check out areas that lit up and just another overall look.

She's upset. She wanted a 100% clean bill of health.

I believe she is cancer-free. Please pray that she believes too.

Monday, August 25, 2008

No Tumors Today!

Mom went to the gastro doctor today. He was the doc that did the colonoscopy and found the tumor back in April. He checked her out and said that he did NOT feel a tumor! (WHAHOO!!!)

She weighed in at 109 pds today. We've spent the past couple of months trying to answer the following questions. Why is she so nauseous, sick and tired? Is it physical, mental, emotional. . . . is she depressed, does she have a fear of food, a fear of medicine. . . why can't she eat, why is her stomach so messed up, when will the diarrhea stop, will life ever be like before? . . . just to name a few.

She talked to the doctor about all the above issues. He wasn't surprised at all, he said that it's all just part of it. He went on to say that she'll figure out how to eat, when to eat, what to eat and I guess slowly but surely it'll get better.

Thank God for Good News Today! We're all ready for more tomorrow!

A few weeks ago I was talking to a good friend from Memphis, Shoot, it was more like complaining to her. Life post chemo and radiation was not as I planned. In fact, it's been totally opposite, a real downer. During treatment, she needed me for everything. I knew exactly what to do. We had a routine, even when things were really bad, I could figure it out. To save my life, I can't figure this out and I don't know what to do? My friend told me to be patient and stand in the gap for mom. On the spiritual and patient side of things, I'm not so good. Not sure exactly why that's the case. It's hard not to fall apart at church, in the car, whenever, wherever. It's all so overwhelming and just flat out hurts. I was telling another friend who told me to pray that what could I say to God that He doesn't already know? I want my mom to get better. . . I don't understand why it happened in the first place. . . You know how much I love her. . . Is it a matter of faith, a lesson to be learned, a test of the emergency broadcast system. . . Yes, I'm a little angry and He knows, He knows all of it so what's the point of letting it out. It just brings tears, snot, and still no answers. She said, "Yes, He does know but the reason for praying aloud is not for Him but for me." Makes sense and so I'm working on that.

So where I couldn't and still can't be there spiritually for her, thank you all for taking up the slack. Below is an email Mom sent to a friend. I loved his response which was in big, bold, blue and red text. I tried to copy it to my blog but the color, font and such didn't transfer.

Went to one dr & he said he no longer felt the tumor. Just need to get a good PET scan result tomorrow from the oncologist. Have lost 20 lbs - down to 110. Wouldn't recommend this diet plan to any one. Still having trouble eating. The whole digestion thing is strange to my body. Will be glad when that passes too. Hope all is well with you both. Carol

HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LIVING GOD WHO FORGIVES OUR INIQUITIES AND HEALS ALL OUR DISEASES. HE MAKES AN UTTER END OF IT AND IT SHALL NOT RETURN.I speak forth rapid healing and restoration from all the evil side effects. I say NO MORE tumors in your body!KEEP THE FAITH! David

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

PET Scan

Mom has a PET Scan this morning at 9:15. We won't know anything until her doc. appt. on August 26th. The wait stinks. Please pray for a clean bill of health and peace as we wait.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Summer's Gone

It's back to school and work tomorrow. Baby Girl is so excited. She put much thought into her new backpack, lunchbox, and even clothes for the first 2 days of school. I found the cutest dress with matching stockings at Target (I love that store!) and amazingly was able to sway her into choosing the dress over the Hanna Montana T-Shirts. Hubby and I steered away from all things Bratz, even when Little Girl was tempted by her friend down the street. We've bypassed all princess shirts or the big attitude ones like "It's All About Me" and such. Hubby was already to do the same with Hanna Montana but I just couldn't. I've never seen her Disney show or listened to her songs, but the clothes are cute. It's been fun shopping with Little Girl for all things Hanna Montana.

Little Man dreads going back to school. He wants to protest the school, state, Washington, anyone about the corrupt system making summers shorter and shorter each year. He spent all night discussing this travesty. He did get a little excited about his new tennis shoes(Hi-Top Converse like what I wore in the early 80's) , but besides that he's pretty much bummed. Like me, he struggles with change. He's a creature of habit and rarely likes any break from routine. Last night he woke up a couple times feeling nauseous.

Me, I'm pretty much like Little Man, not ready to let summer go. Several of my friends are passed ready for their kids to head back to school, not me I don't want them to go. As if the kids first day of school is not enough, tomorrow I have to drive 6 hours to attend 7 school functions. Even with help, it will be a miracle if I'm able to pull it off. So, I'm just overall stressed, depressed, and all-around bummed.

Mom has more bad days than good. She isn't eating and although the scale doesn't show she's loss more weight (I checked it out myself), she looks tiny. She's nauseous all the time. She uses a suppository (can't think of the name of it but it's not much more than a strong antihistamine). It totally takes away the nausea but it also totally knocks her out. So, basically she's drugged in the bed or up, sober, and sick. Her next PET Scan is August 19th. She'll meet with the doctor on August 26th. Doesn't that stink? We'll once again be left to sit, wonder, and wait for the news. GRRRRRRRR. The system we're stuck in totally sucks!

Mom and I went walking the other day. I meant for us to just walk a little ways down the street and back but we started walking and talking and before you knew, we had covered the whole neighborhood. When we made it back to the house, Dad gave me that look like you knew better. He's right, we walked too much but it was so much fun. I miss our walks and talks. While we were walking, we talked about pretty much everything. All that she'd been through. All that I'd been through. She said that she has no idea how she ever made it through, then the subject turned to the upcoming tests. She said, "Whatever the tests show, I'm not up for any more!" We both fell silent as those words soaked in . . . Worse case scenario, those are pretty tough words, but they are words I completely understand. I was there too! Whatever the case, God's got her and she will be made beautifully whole. Although I lost sight of it for a while, consumed with the Why, I do trust Him completely! No one loves her the way He does (I'll fight for second) and so she's going to be just fine.

The past few weeks we've gone out of town, had family come to visit, and basically tried to cram as much summer as possible into the month of July. I'm sorry for not posting much.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


While fixing Baby Girl's hair this morning, she's not happy. As I'm braiding her hair and listening to the kids playing in the living room, Baby Girl says, "Mom, you're taking too long and ruining my life." I said, "That's my job" and continued braiding.

Yep, Five years old and her life's ruined but her hair looks great!

Friday, July 18, 2008


Pardon the rambling, but I'm in a mood. We're on the road with over 600 miles to our destination, kids fighting in the back seat. There's no telling where this post will end up or who it might offend. So, proceed with caution.

The night Mom was released from the hospital, I went home to an empty house (kids n hubby went to CO). I decided to invite the Fabulous Who Ha Sisters over for drinks, swimming and fun (pretty much in that order) Everyone showed and the celebration began. One of the sisters, I believe was well on her way to Margaritaville before our first toast. Another sister came late with her hubby, so she had some catching up to do. The other sister's husband ran to the store to get an assortment of chick drinks in honor of as he put it the "Who Ha Whatever" and volunteered to be the bartender. Long story short, we all swam, drank, laughed, drank, swam again then drank more. . . some a liitle more than others. The bartender passed out as I expelled both liquor and gas simultaneously off the patio. One of the sisters still tease me as being a multi-tasker. The next morning I cleaned up the mess, dropped donuts (my hangover cure-all) off at the neighbor sister's house and went to check on Mom.

The week of the 4th, I took the kids plus Little Man's Best Friend, and a friend's two stepdaughters out and about. The two teenage girls were visiting their dad who they hadn't seen in 8 years. My friend, their stepmom brought the girls and Little Man's Best Friend to the house to swim. She asked if I'd watch them while she went home to mow. As we sat around talking, the girls said they were bored just sitting at the house watching movies. Their dad was out of town for work and my friend, their stepmom also had to work. Hubby and I told the girls they were more than welcome to hang out with us. We had so much fun with the girls. We watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate at great restaurants including Los Cabos, Carrino's, and of course McDonald's. We rode the atv's below the dam, ate breakfast at IHOP, and hit the mall. All the while, I called their daddy to see if they would come join us, they mostly declined. As the week wore on, I grew closer and closer with the girls esp the oldest (anyone would have, they are such good kids). Unfortunately, my friend (stepmom) felt I overstep my bounds and ruined their time to connect as a family. As far as boundaries go, our families have always been so close, we never had lines or boundaries drawn. My husband has been friends (even self proclaimed brothers)with her husband for over 20 years. They've been there for each other through just about all that life can throw at you including the norm such as marriage, divorce, and fatherhood. We were there and closer than ever, when his second wife became sick and died. Our kids are together all the time, pretty much have raised them as siblings. He and his parents moved around the corner from us, the kids attend the same school. Last summer, I introduced him to my dear friend who became his wife and a part of our family. In establishing her new life with them, she is drawing lines and forming boundaries that have never been there.

After the girls left, she came to the house to talk. In essence, she blamed me for things not panning out the way she had hoped. She wanted to connect as a family and steer clear of any appearance of "Disneyland" as she said my dad did when I was a child spending summers in TN. I can't lie, I felt attacked and it hurt. I understand as a new wife and mother, the need to get it right at all costs. I was there once too. I remember being pregnant with Little Man at the grocery store shopping with Nana vowing my child would never act like the screaming fit throwing toddler in the cereal aisle. I also read the awful book Baby Wise and attempted to subject my newborn baby boy to their rigid discipline, schedule, and boundaries in hopes of achieving the story book happy ever after ending. Oh, I also layed down the rules for my husband to follow to make sure he's on board to never ever land. He played the game like a pro for the first few weeks. Haven't we all been there thinking our life, marriage, kids would be different than all others definitely better than our parents who lets face it didn't have a clue. While I know, everyone takes their shot at the american dream of having the perfect christian family with the husband, wife, 2.5 kids and white picket fence, most will realize life just doesn't work out as we plan. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier with our life even though the screaming kids in walmart are probably mine, my husband and I will have our arguments and the occasional loud obnoxious fight over everything and nothing, my friends and I might get tipsy and sometimes even stupid drunk on Saturday night and Sunday morning you might find me at church or buried under the covers in my bed. In my neck of the woods, you might catch us at our best or at times at our worst, either way we're there for one another not judging just walking it out together. We should probably go on the Dr. Phil show, huh.

Friends don't always see eye to eye, but our families have always been close. I hope that doesn't change.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Time to Feel Better

Mom (in her words) is pretty much "sick and tired of being sick and tired." She thought that after radiation, she would bounce back quick. Towards the end of last week, she decided to quit taking her pain meds regularly. She thought it was the reason she felt worse. She complained that she felt better in the hospital then at home. We tried to explain that she was on Morphine Extended Release and Diladid shots every 3 to 4 hours while in the hospital. She wondered if she was getting worse since radiation stopped but I think the drugs in the hospital just did an awesome job masking the pain.

She's been using the dilator as instructed and it's not been as bad as she thought it would be. The outside burns have healed amazingly well. I wasn't sure that it would recover it was so burnt, swollen, and totally messed up. She did have another round of blisters come up following the last radiation treatment. It bothered her pretty bad especially when she had to go to the bathroom. But all in all, it's so much better than before.

The last week or so of radiation was called boost. That's when they narrow the focus of the rays to the tumor itself. So that part of Mom's body was really hit hard with the more concentrated, potent ray, hopefully wiping out the tumor for good. Mom has hurt really bad in that area. I assume that her insides look like the outside did at it's worst. A couple of days last week, she went to the bathroom and strings of skin came out. When the skin came off the outside, it came off in sheets. Weird, because when you get a sunburn and peel, it flakes. The burns from the radiation had Mom's skin falling off in sheets. Anyway, it freaked Mom out, when it happened from the inside out.

Mom's also been struggling with nausea. She has to force herself to eat, b/c food tastes bad. Right now she's lost just over 10 pds, she can't really afford to lose much more weight. I'm not sure if the nausea is caused by the pain, the pain meds, or maybe just a side effect of the chemo/radiation.

Last Thursday, I went to Mom's house around 1:00pm and she was in bed hurting really bad. I checked the medicine log and she hadn't taken pain meds since the night before at 10pm. I brought her the pain meds. Dad said that he tried to get her to take the meds before but that she refused. She's tired of being drugged and is also worried about becoming addicted.

My church has been bringing out food for Mom and Dad. The lady who came last Thursday, Wren (sp?) brought their favorite soups, salad, and sandwich from Panera and also connected with Mom concerning the pain meds. She said that she lives in pain from arthritis and Fibre Maiga (sp?) and knows first hand about pain meds. As she talked to Mom, Mom just sat on the couch and cried. I couldn't understand why Mom refused her pain meds but maybe she felt like a failure or that she wasn't being tough enough if she took the pain med. Wren told her that it's proven through research that people heal faster when they use pain meds to stay ahead of the pain versus those who try to tough it out. The pain meds obviously mask the pain letting your body relax and heal. Wren really connected with Mom and as a result Mom took her pain meds regularly through the weekend.

She came to our 4th of July bash. She was pretty tired but stayed through the fireworks. This week Dad is in New York until tomorrow. Mom seems like she's okay. She wants to go to work tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about her driving. I told her that I'd take her but she said, "No."

Over the last week, I've dived back into my life, family, and such (have some blogging to do on that) I hope Mom doesn't feel abandoned. She really is still struggling with everything but is no where as sick as before. I call quite a bit to check on her and go by the house once or twice a day.

Next Tuesday, she has a doctor's appointment with her oncologist. I'm sure we'll know more about upcoming tests then.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Oh Boy

Mom is done with both chemo and radiation. I went with her today to get dilators, just when you thought you'd seen and heard it all. Mom sure doesn't want the scar tissue to cause major problems but at the same time can't even imagine using those things. I told her we could go to an adult store and find one softer and maybe light up, spin or vibrate. I swear, you've got to keep a sense of humor or I'm sure you'd lose your mind. Mom's last day of radiation was yesterday. She was asking me if I thought she'd be better by the end of the week. I hate to discourage her more or sound negative I just answered maybe but for some it takes a couple of weeks to notice a difference. We don't really know what's next as far as tests and such to see where she stands. I guess the focus should be on healing and recovery instead of the other.

Monday, June 30, 2008

One Left To Go

Mom has just 1 more radiation treatment left. I can't believe it's almost over. Mom wants to celebrate with a pedicure tomorrow. Now, if that's not a sign things are looking up, I don't know what is!

Cancer, A Fight on all Sides

Since being home, Mom is still in alot of pain primarily from the radiation treatments. Now, starting the 4th week after chemo, I think most of those side effects are gone. She has 2 radiation hits to go and is on schedule for Tuesday being the last and final nuke.

Up until the last few nights in the hospital, Mom could slip in and out of sleep no matter who or what was going on in the room. But as she started feeling better, sleeping became a problem. She thought that she'd sleep better without someone staying with her. So, Thursday night I left her completely alone for the first time. The next morning, she hadn't slept.

Then, she thought it was maybe the nurses coming in and out of the room at all hours of the night. She jokes that they would come in for a zillion reasons including to wake her up to see if she's sleeping. She was so convinced that just getting home and in her bed would help that she started taking matters into her own hands.

One of the doctors on Thursday said that he'd let her go home if not for the fever. The infectious disease specialist (a really cool doctor from South Africa) looked Mom over and concluded that the persisting fever was just her body trying to recover from the on-going radiation. But the other doctor was not convinced.

So, when the nurses came in at regular intervals to check vitals (blood pressure, pulse, and temperature), Mom would sneak a ice cold drink of water just before the nurse stuck the thermometer in her mouth. Her temperature dropped from 100+ to 95 and below. We all got a good laugh until Mom's friend "from a galaxy far, far away" jerked us back to reality and what's best for Mom.

Friday afternoon, Mom got her walking papers. But after a weekend at home away from the nurses, she's still not sleeping. Now, she thinks it's just the frequent trips to the bathroom. In the past 3 weeks, she's not slept more than 3 hours at a time. Many nights, she was up every 20 to 30 minutes running for the bathroom. How can she recover without uninterrupted, sound sleep?

Also, her anxiety has been through the roof since she's been home. She says she's really overwhelmed. Not only has she stepped down from the shots of pain meds in the hospital to her prescription at home, but she's trying to ween the dosage down, way down.

This morning, Dad called me around 10ish to tell me that she had a bad night and was really upset. I raced over, grabbed her meds, and brought her to my house. I helped her take a shower. I have a hand held shower nozzle similar to what they had in the hospital. Mom said that the shower at the hospital was the best 20 minutes of the day. I got her into my bed, applied all ointments, and then went to check out her medicine log. I had her take needed meds and talked with her about how important staying on top of her meds for pain/anxiety management was. She agreed.

Anxiety is at an all-time high at home. At times, Dad feels like he can't do anything to help her which hurts him really bad. I think he wants desperately to get back to life before cancer but to some degree knows that it's out of reach. Mom is discouraged. When she feels somewhat better, she thinks that it's going to keep getting better and better. So when she hits a dip and goes back to feeling crumby and in lots of pain, she emotionally/mentally takes a huge dive. I'm confident that she's getting better and better, but when I try to encourage her, it doesn't usually help. If you hurt, feel bad, and haven't slept, I guess someone telling you your better isn't believable.

I'm hoping that the physical pain and suffering will draw to a close over the next several weeks and that total healing will follow. It's looking as though the struggle will shift from mainly physical to mental/emotional.

Yesterday, right before company was to arrive, Mom's anxiety skyrocketed. I kept trying to get Mom back to the bed and calmed down with an anxiety pill. Dad said that she had no reason to get all upset. Her fragile mental/emotional state is sometimes hard to understand.

I found a thread on the Colon Club Forum and believe it'll help to grasp how she feels. Again, she still has very intense pain from the radiation and I don't want to discount that in any way, shape, or form. I'm just trying to shed light on reasons for her fears and anxiety and that this information will help us to help her. The following are comments to a post from someone who doesn't feel her family and friends understand her fear and anxiety.

by justsing on Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:19 pm
My problem with people "getting it" is that I want to have it both ways. I want to go on with my life as normally as possible and not have to deal with the constant "so how are you doing, REALLY?" conversations. And at the same time, I want people to understand that in spite of my can-do attitude, I'm going through life with an enormous emotional Albatross around my neck. But if I don't talk about it, I can't expect everyone to "get it." And if I do talk about it, I spend a lot of time in an emotional swamp. It's a quandary!!!!!The most important thing for me is that I have one or two friends with whom I can fall apart -- BRIEFLY -- and then be allowed to immediately return to normal without having to "process" anything. They never press me to "share" but are there when I need them. They are worth their weight in gold.

Re: Why does no one Understand ?
by mnw28 on Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:49 pm
I completely understand. I find myself questioning my sanity because one day I'm aggrivated because people keep asking me "how are you feeling" but don't seem to really want to know the answer or they don't ask at all..which irritates me just as much depending on the situation. No win situation. I keep telling myself that people who haven't gone through it don't know what to say and the fact that they care enough to be concerned should be enough. But some days I just want to scream! For some reason I am bothered the most when people say "Well you look GREAT." I don't know why that bothers me so much but it does. I think my closest friends understand that I will talk about it when I want and they will be there to listen. They call and check on me, but if I don't return their call they understand. No one however, except cancer survivors understand the fear that keeps us up at night. I think we all know how quickly those morbid thoughts can enter our minds. Today is one of those days for me. I'm just really very depressed, sad, and discouraged. It seems like during each round of chemo, by Saturday (I start on wednesdays) I'm just really down in the dumps. I usually spend an hour crying to my mom on the phone and then somehow I wake up on Sunday feeling a little better and emotionally stable. Weekends can be so long when you feel so bad. I swear it feels like the minutes are going in reverse. It sucks being young with cancer. I feel so left out and so alone sometimes.

Re: Why does no one Understand ?
by Molly on Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:54 am
Until someone has stood on the edge and almost fallen, they will never truly understand what it's like to have a life threatening illness. Survivorship is a wonderful thing...but can also very scary.

To check out the original post and other comments, here's the link:

Why does no one Understand ?
by Culinarycfo on Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:08 pm

Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Gift

Thursday night, I came home from the hospital per Mom’s request, totally spent, tired, and in every way gave out. I said goodbye to hubby and kids earlier that day, as they left for Colorado to see great grandparents. I’ve gone out of town with the kids before and left hubby home, but I don’t think that I’ve ever been the one left home.

When I made it home, I marched straight to the tub, nothing sounded better than a long, hot soak. With wrinkled fingers and toes, I put on my favorite pjs and gathered dirty clothes to take to the laundry room. When I opened the door to drop clothes in the laundry basket, I found it completely empty. There was not 1 sock, towel or anything. I stood there for a while just staring. I then looked over to the folding table for stacks of clothes to put away, there was nothing. I proceeded to the sink, there were no dirty dishes not even a fork or spoon, looked in the dishwasher, it was empty.

As I went from room to room, I slowly began to realize the incredible gift my husband gave me. I walked outside and stood in our perfectly kept yard. I saw beautiful plants and flowers blooming in the flower bed. In the backyard, the pool was impeccable with crystal clear water. As I came back inside, sat on our bed and covered up with the beautiful new comforter he bought last week, I saw pictures of Baby Girl and Little Man on my nightstand. What picture perfect happy children they are!

Just a few weeks ago (seem like months), my husband let me pass off my responsibilities as wife and mother to turn, take Mom’s hand, and walk with her through the treatment of this ugly disease called cancer. As I described before, he kept the house and yard in perfect condition but also voluntarily took on double duty with the kids. I know that at times I’m a control freak, but until now I had no clue just how overbearing I am. I honestly believed that no one could love and take care of our children like me. So I never gave anyone, not even him, a chance. With me gone, you wouldn’t believe the amazing bond that has formed between he and the kids.

When Baby Girl was at Grandma’s, Daddy and Little Man had marathon movie nights and fierce video game battles. They went on long rides together on the Razor (looks like a sporty golf cart, drives like a 4-wheeler). Little Man said that he saw a hawk, turtle, cow, and deer on their drives. Daddy took both kids plus 1 (Little Man’s Best Friend) to several movies and played in the pool both day and night. In his care, they didn’t even get one sunburn, starve, or lack for anything. While Baby Girl was at neighbor friend’s house (one of the fabulous Who Ha Sisters), Who Ha Sis asked Baby Girl if Mom had sewed the flag patch on her skirt? Baby Girl responded, “No, Daddy did. Daddy can fix anything!”

He took care of the house, was there for the kids, but also for me in a moment’s notice. When I called one rainy morning for him to help Dad and I take Mom to the doctor at one of her sickest points, he was there. When I called him from the ER because the doctors could not get one of the medicines to control the spasms, my husband dropped everything, ran to Mom’s house, and was at the hospital in minutes with the needed medicine. Late Sunday night before Mom started feeling better, I texted my husband, “ Mom needs flowers, big arrangement. Will u please order and have delivered tomorrow.” He responded within minutes, “I’ll take care of it. Love you.” He was at the hospital with the most beautiful, big flower arrangement in different shades of purple (her favorite color) first thing Monday morning.

The Who Ha Sisters relieved me so that I could go home, shower, grab a few minutes shut eye, and maybe see my kids and husband. It’s something to be so totally spent that you just don’t have anything left for your family. He not once complained only offered support saying, “You can do this.” And when the kids would get upset because I had to leave, he would give me a knowing look, distract them, so I could make my getaway. Not all my requests did he understand but was there just the same.

He’s such an incredible husband and this gift he’s given me is priceless. I can’t put into words the need I had to walk through this with Mom but it felt as crucial as my next breath. He saw and understood my need and made the way so I could make the journey with Mom.

Thank you love, for this precious gift, I will treasure it and you forever!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Mom 's Home

We said our goodbyes, bid farewell, and left the hospital yesterday around noon. I'll share more details of the past couple of days later :)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Going Home Postponed

Not all the doctors agreed on Mom going home quite yet. While the pain is there, there's a world of difference in today from last Friday when she was admitted. The one doctor is still concerned b/c the low grade fever. Although Mom is disappointed, I told her the pain meds here are much better than at home so staying is not all bad.

We just finished lunch, we both stuffed ourselves silly. Hospital food is strange. It is either really, really good or really, really bad. There's no in between. Right now, Mom is in bed putting on the make-up given to her by the American Cancer Society's Look Good, Feel Better Program.

What a difference 1 week makes! Watch out, Mom's back!

3 More To Go

The little things make the biggest difference.

This morning after shift change around 7:00am, we told the new nurse (friendly nurse is off today) that mom would need a bath before going to radiation this morning. She said that she would send the technician in first thing.

The gynecologist the other day prescribed some ointment for the burns. We have to make sure the ointment is totally off before radiation or else it will act as a tanning oil and burn her more severe if that's possible. We use the ointment during the day but do not apply any 8 hrs prior to radiation and of course make sure she has the bath.

At 9am, we are still waiting for the technician to come. The mornings before radiation are terribly stressful for Mom. So, she was in bed, lights dim, and music (Alan Jackson's Christian CD - all old hymns) playing softly in the background when the transport guy shows to take Mom to radiation.

Mom gets all upset thinking she's going to have to rush through the bath (one thing she enjoys) to be taken to radiation. I took them into the hall and said that they will have to reschedule. She must have a bath beforehand and we will not be rushed. I left them to work it out as I came back in the room to assure Mom that everything's okay.

The tech finally came to give her a bath. There are some people that I immediately trust and pass the baton to letting them do their job but others I immediately don't trust and keep control. Mom enjoyed her bath, was lotioned up, brushed teeth, a new gown, and shot of atavin when the transport showed back up to take her to radiation. As she sat in the wheelchair waiting for the guy to get Mom's chart from the nurses station, Alan Jackson was singing "He touched me."

Mom has temporarily lost control over so many everyday things in her life that when things like this morning happens, it pushes her closer to complete chaos.

Three more radiation treatments to go, home stretch!

Hopefully Heading Home

Mom's oncologist came by at regular time, 6 am. Mom asked if she can go home today, he said I don't see why not. He said that she's got his okay so if other docs agree, she'll go home. Yipee!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Final Four

Monday morning was really tough. Mom was so tired of hurting, totally exhausted and discouraged. She was angry and fed-up. Before Monday, she was pretty much checked out due to the pain medication. This weekend she kept asking why she was in OKC. She's been in another world for the last week maybe longer which was hard because I really missed her.

On Monday, she was coherent but in the darkest place that I'd seen yet with no spark of hope. The doctor came in at 6:00am, we'd been up for almost an hour. Anxiety and pain levels were high. The doctor told Mom that all the blood, urine, and stool tests were coming back good, no infection. However, blood taken from the PICC line on Sunday showed an infection so he ordered the PICC to be taken out. Since last Wednesday, her fever continued to fluctuate between 100 - 103.

After the doctor left, I tried to encourage Mom by telling her that the doctor is not finding any serious complications. There is unbelievable pain, suffering, and anxiety from the treatment and it hurts, really bad but it's not terminal. My intention was to give her hope but instead she took it as I was discounting her pain.

We just sat on the bed both in tears (first time I allowed myself to cry in front of her). She did not want me to comfort her so I stepped into the hallway. After a weekend full of not so good nurses and technicians, a wonderful nurse offered me a Kleenex. She has been Mom's nurse all this week. You can tell when someone gets it and when they don't, she not only gets it but connected with Mom and I from the get go.

Although I did not realize it, a change was occurring. Cancer is a very real physical battle but maybe even more a mental/spiritual one. Mom said that morning that maybe going to see Nana wouldn't be so bad (her mom who died of cancer in her early 50's). A week ago Sunday, Mom had a really bad night, the worse pain I had ever seen or even imagined. Driving in the storm at 5am to get something the nurse said might help, I cried realizing what it means to love someone so much that you'd let them go so that the pain would stop. I told myself not to put that in writing, it sounds so bad.

Little by little things started happening showing me that God had not forsaken us like it felt. He showed up at first in little ways; wonderful nurse offering me tissue in the hallway and Mom pain meds on the fly, the Hispanic technician who told Mom in broken English, "I take care of you" as she ministered to Mom through a bath and massage, physical therapists that made us laugh (one pt that said she doesn't usually ask, but could she pray with us), the kind custodian that told Mom it's job security when she apologized for the accidents on way to the bathroom, sincere, caring doctors working to take care of Mom, and of course the Ya Ya Sisterhood that has not only bonded together together now but for life.

Monday afternoon, a friend (as Mom put it from a galaxy far, far away) happened to hear Mom was sick. She did not have Mom's phone number so she just started calling hospitals in the city. After a few misses, she hit the right hospital and the room's phone was ringing. I answered and within minutes she was praying with me and then I held the phone to Mom's ear and she prayed with her. Mom went to radiation late that afternoon where we met with the radiologist. I asked her to examine mom b/c there was like a knot in the fold of her woo ha (as Ginger aka Nurse Melissa calls it) The radiologist said that it's where the skin has peeled leaving raw skin that oozes blood and fluids that are sticky. The moist fold stuck together and then cemented when dried. She gave me ky jelly and told me to gently work at separating the folds when pain medicine has her at the highest point. Basically, it would tear apart ripping top layer. It really hurts Mom and I feel needlessly. Someone should have not only told us but shown us how to keep this from happening. It is very preventable if someone knows what to do.

Tuesday morning, Mom woke up feeling better but then went to the bathroom and realized she couldn't pee. I looked her over and found another area stuck together just like the fold had been the day before. She began to have extreme pain about the time the doctor arrived for his rounds at 6am. I showed him what I had found and he immediately called a gynecologist. About this same time, mom's iv vein collapsed or rolled so they had to shut off the meds and fluids until they could tap into another vein. Wonderful nurse stuck Mom twice with no luck hitting a vein, second nurse gave 2 stabs, still no luck. Mom's pain is increasing as pain meds are wearing off and the urge to pee is becoming stronger by the minute. She can't get more pain meds b/c iv line is not open.

I called Mom's friend who called the night before, briefly explained Mom's immediate need, and she began praying that God would bring the right doctor and nurses who will have the wisdom to know exactly what to do to take care of Mom. As soon as we hung up the phone, she started calling others to pray and the gynecologist walked into the room. Wonderful nurse said after the fact that she saw this doctor walking down the hallway. She hadn't seen this doctor on their floor in a long time. She asked him what patient he was going to see hoping it was Mom. Sure enough, he walked into the room and quickly proceeded to help Mom. He told Mom that the nurse could bring a shot of morphine as he gobbed ky on his glove. She told him to go ahead without pain meds, she braced as he ripped her open experiencing the highest level of pain to date. He told me what to do to keep her open. Again, if told beforehand, it could have been prevented. ggrrrr Immediately following, a friendly nurse that I had seen several times in the hallway, came to try and find a vein for the iv. She got it on her first attempt.

After today's radiation, I asked mom how she was doing. She just said 4 more left. Pain is getting more and more intense with every hit so she's just trying to focus on the countdown. She'll go tomorrow, Friday, Monday and Tuesday for radiation. Tuesday will be the last day, 33 radiation treatments completed. Please pray that the radiation will totally destroy the tumor but the other areas will be protected so that healing can start sooner rather than later.

On a sweet note: Monday night I went home to take a shower. Little Man was by my side from the moment I hit the door. He sat on the toilet talking while I took a shower and got ready to go back to the hospital. I asked him if he'd pray at bedtime that Nana would continue to get better and that I'd have the energy to take care of her. He looked up at me and said, "Well, I can pray Now." So we dropped to our knees and prayed for strength and healing. On Tuesday night, the kids were swimming and Ginger said she'd get in the pool if they'd stop all the splashing and carrying on because she has a fear of the water. Little Man said, "That's okay, we just have to encourage each other like Mom's encouraging Nana." He's such a sweet, sensitive soul!

On a funny note: A recreational therapist came on Tuesday. She wants Mom to play cards and dominoes. Mom told her that she typically liked playing but that the pain meds leave her unable to focus and the burns unable to sit. This therapist like all the others had a list of questions she had to ask. Mom was pretty high on drugs during the inquisition. She asked how long she'd been married. Mom said 200 years. She asked if Mom could do anything, what would it be? Mom said, "Dolly Parton's make-up." It was like a comedy routine. We were all cracking up - She was the one who prayed for Mom.

Even funnier note: Tuesday night, the Texas Psychiatrist stayed with Mom. I went home to sleep with hubby. Sometime in the night, he got up to go to the bathroom. He said I got up following him and was going between the bathroom and bedroom saying, "I can't find the squirt bottle."

Monday Evening

One of the sisters from the Ya Ya Sisterhood; Monday evening.

If I could talk to you now. Things I would say to you.

Your mom is funny. She called me Melissa. When Cathy called the conversation went like this
Cathy – Is Michelle there?
Mom – No
Cathy – Is Bob there?
Mom – No
Cathy – Is Ginger there?
Mom – No
Cathy – Well who is there?
Mom – Melissa
Cathy – Well is someone there that is not taking drugs?

I got the phone. Cathy talked a few minutes. I love this woman and I don’t even know her. She is so funny cant wait till girls day out with her…..

She ask that I call her back and I told her I would what time is to late she said she was just driving back from Muskogee and was going home to dye her hair. I told Mom that Cathy was going to color her hair what color does she want it. Mom said will it wash out? I said yeah so she said “well its almost 4th of July – what about red, white and blue” So I told Cathy. Also, Cathy ask if you were coming back tonight I said “yeah but, she didn’t even get out of her til 6:30 cause you showing me how to do the ky. I was trying to explain it to Cathy and I said the only way I know how to say it is just to say it. The lip got stuck to the skin and you have to kind of try to wedge between the lip and skin with ky. Cathy thought I was talking about your lips on your face. Not even your moms. I wanted to laugh so hard.

If she is home and comes to the 4th (MOM) I am going to try to find some red/white/blue wig for all us girls (sam, you, me, cathy) to come out in. Wouldn’t that be funny?

Your mom is always worried about everyone else but herself. She always ask little things to me. Like last time it was how did I meet my husband? Tonight she ask me what I liked most about being a mom? I said that my kids think I am perfect. Even though I am far from it and eventually they will realize that I am not. Then I said really the love I get from my kids is unbelievable. I ask her the same questions. She said grandkids!

Your guys are so lucky to have a loving family. Brian and I were not raised in a huggy kissy family. I know Brian was hurt yesterday. We have been in our house for almost 5 months (can you believe it). His dad came for the first time yesterday for about 45 minutes. I had invited Charles over because Brian’s dad used to be Charles boss. Charles might have stayed 15 minutes. He talked to Charles more in that 15 minutes than he did Brian the whole time he was there. He never once said our home was nice, pretty, ugly nothing. He told Brian when he was giving him the tour that its big. Nothing else. Then we walk out in the yard for them to leave and he says which one is Charles house

Brian told him and he said that Charles house was really nice he had a beautiful yard and everything. Not that Brian or I am jealous. I just know it hurts Brian to know his dad cant be proud of him.

I think I am losing my mind I cant believe I wrote that check wrong. I will never hear the end

Its 9:00 and your mom is snoring…….. I am getting madder by the minute your mom has ran fever since 6:50 (right before shift change) they still as of 9:10 havn’t given her anything. I have ask and ask and ask. At least 5 times. Now she wants something for pain so I have ask for the last hour and still nothing. I have even talked to the nurse to her face and she wrote it on her hand. What good is that doing its not doing nothing for the pain.

I did also ask your mom tonight while putting medicine on her woo-ha what trip is she going to take when this is all over. Did she have one planed. She said no not really but it will be somewhere in Puerta Vallarta.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Stay Tuned

Stay tuned, for upcoming praise report

God brought Mom the best doctor and wrapped His arms around her as this doctor broke Mom open. We are listening to "How Great is Our God" as Mom rests before radiation. I'll share later.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Manicures, Massages, and Margaritas

Mom's been in hospital since Friday. Safety net feels good. Think everything is going well. She's continued to run fever of 100 to 102. Blood Pressure 105/46 at 5:00 today (normal is 120/80), pulse rate tonight is 110(normal is 78). Nurse says elevated pulse rate is from pain and anxiety. Not sure about low blood pressure, dehydration is not a problem b/c she's getting fluid from IV regularly. She's had 4 units blood (think red blood cells, hemoglobin) on Saturday. Urine specimens and blood tests have all come back clean until today. They are taking blood from PICC and blood straight from arm. Blood from PICC showed infection (Gram and Cocci in clusters) not sure what that means but nurse wrote it down for me. They gave her antibotic shot called vancomycin for that. they are giving other antibiotics; Alvelox, Mystatin and Flogyl. She had a phosphorus drip in IV earlier today b/c low electrolytes. Tonight, nurse gave her MS contin- extended morphine, dildaudid (more pain stuff) and an ambian to sleep. Amazing friends are helping, I'm calmer, and mom's in good hands as she gets better.

Speaking of amazing friends, Mom's friend stayed with Mom all day Saturday and Sunday. I instantly loved her; she's a psychiatrist, has a great accent and is from Texas (enough said). She brings peaceful calm into the hospital room and gently reminds Mom (and me) that God is healing Mom's body, that He loves us and is leading us through to the other side. She gets Mom talking and remembering life before Cancer which is so important. This whole thing is so consuming that we've lost sight of life before or after this horrible, disgusting disease.

I know that tomorrow afternoon, I'll need a shower and break. I reached out through a text message to my friend who has already done so much for more help.

She responded back with this; I'll be there as soon as I get off work. No problem, it's a honor and a blessing that you and God trust me enough! I am truly humble to get to have you and all your family in our lives. Don't be afraid to ask me for anything, that's what friends are for. When make it to the other side, Mom and all us girls on Mom's team must have a day of beauty, massages, pedicures, The Works!

I responded; N tears, thank u. You all are unbelievably amazing. I angrily told God that nothing good is in this. I'm wrong, amazing friends are shining through all the crap, literal crap! u r all beautiful. Cheers to manicures, massages, and margaritas n near future.

Funny moment: When Mom's good friend was here taking care of her, Mom was dreaming and mumbled something about being in Jamaica. Big jump from dreams about McDonald's last week. Also while heavily medicated this morning around 2:30, Mom asked "what kind of place is this." I answered, "a hospital." She said, "Well get me my glasses and their book so I can see what services they have to offer." (she's ready for spa services too)

Off the subject; Baby Girl said "Mom put your hand right here, can you feel my heart beeping?" Saturday night, friends little girl said, "Look, there's a lightening bug in your pocket." My pocket was lighting up each second. I just about came out of my shorts right there in front of everyone, then realized it was just my cell phone. My anxiety over bugs is really out of control.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

In Hospital

She was admitted to the hospital yesterday morning. Basically, we went to the treatment center yesterday morning to get PICC line flushed, weekly thing. On the other side of the treatment room away from mom, I had a break down moment saying the upcoming weekend scares me to death, it's like the night 3 times over, you just feel all alone. Mom's' fever was 102.6 and they were ready to send us on our way. I said that I wanted a doctor to check her over and tell me she's okay, and then I would take her to radiation and then home. I just couldn't handle the responsibility of something happening that I failed to notice type thing. Anyway, mom's onc nurse came over obviously annoyed and said that mom would be seen by one of the other doctors. That doctor's nurse (really nice, I might add) came helped us to the room and took down a bunch of information. She really listened to us, it was nice for a change. The new onc doctor came in (again, really nice, like a fresh start b/c I've wore out my welcome with others) checked Mom over and again took the time to listen to us. She gently recommended admitting her to the hospital. Mom's hemoglobin was 8.6. She said that a blood transfusion happens at 8.0. Anyway, she made the arrangements so Mom would not have to wait, that she would be admitted through ER, and go straight back an they'll give her pain med immediatley. In the ER after they gave her pain med and her eyes were slapping shut, I told Mom it was okay to go to sleep, and she said that she was too scared to sleep that she might not wake up. totally heartbreaking. It was a long day full of tests and what not. She got in a room around 1:00. The doctor on that floor came in and said so far everything's checking out okay. That urine looks good, x-ray (not sure what machine took pics) but looks good, etc.. She said that some blood work takes 24 hours so they'll wait and see how it comes back, but so far everything looks fine all things considered. Dad said let's leave her here and let them take care of her and go home and sleep. She's still going to the bathroom every 20 minutes peeing b/c the fluids they're giving her and diarrhea all the while very heavily medicated and dragging an iv pole. He says that I've got to get some sleep, which I know but there's no other option. Leaving her in the hospital by herself is not an option. When you call for a nurse, it takes 10 to 20 minutes and mom can't wait that long and she needs someone familiar there 24/7. While I know that he's concerned about me, I was mad with that suggestion to say the least. I called my friend (who I'd trust with my life) came up and stayed with mom through the night. I went to Mom's house and gathered things I thought she might want along with a bouquet of flowers, and my husband volunteered to take them back to her if I'd go straight home and go to bed. My new neighbor and friend who came last weekend to help me clean mom's bathroom, went to the hospital this morning to relieve other friend and she'll stay until 12:00. Mom's friend is going to stay 12:00 to 8:00. Thank God for friends. I slept last night and am about to get ready, pick up a few more things for mom, and go up there for a while.

Just got a call from friend and she said doc came in and said they Mom will need some red blood cells, not sure if that's a blood transfusion or what. Also, they were scared about the PICC line because Mom told them it's been in since March 9. I told friend that it's been in since May 9th and that we've had it flushed every week at treatment center and have had no problems with it. They were freak'in out b/c PICC lines can only be in for 3 months. I told friend to call me if doc/nurses have questions, because Mom can't answer them b/c the drugs. Doc says everything else is okay.

Everyone, please keep praying. I know that God is getting us through this and that your prayers are making a difference. Anyone who is close to us and wants to help, please let me know. I realize now that this job is bigger than me. Mom deserves the best care possible and me half dead from no sleep is not the best for her.

Oh, something funny. Yesterday mom said that this place (hospital) scares her. Every other time she's been there, she's left with a baby.

The other night at home, I was laying in bed with Mom. She was passed out from the drugs and mumbled something. I asked what she had said. She said, "Oh, I don't know. I was just dreaming that I worked at McDonald's and was making a sausage/egg mcmuffin." We both laughed. I said that we'd need to discuss new pain meds with doc, that dreaming about McDonald's was unacceptable. Dreams she be of nothing less than beaches in Puerta Vallarta and such.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Prayer Request

Mom is swelling really bad. It's making it so incredibly painful to walk, sit, or anything. Radiation again tomorrow, please pray for decrease in swelling.

Blessed Sleep

Just want everyone to know that last night was better. Since at least last Saturday night, as you've read, nights are bad. She's up every 20 to 30 minutes going to the bathroom with terrible pain and anxiety which seemed to build to out of control proportions as the night drug on. It left her totally exhausted and discouraged by morning. I don't think the symptoms are necessarily worse at night than during the day, it's just more frustrating for mom at night because she wants to sleep.

Yesterday, the radiologist prescribed some butt foam to relieve the pain (she nonchalantly said as she wrote the prescription, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. It would not have even occurred to her then if I hadn't been so insistent, what's wrong with these docs)

Anyway, the combination of butt foam and increased dosage of pain meds worked, and she slept for longer stretches of time, 2 to 3 hours at a time, YES!!!!!!!!!!! When she woke up she said that last night was so much better, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Okay, so this was last night;
6:00pm - Anxiety pill - it also helps with sleep
7:00 pm - 2 pain pills - after an hour when med is in full force, we conquer the bathtub
8:00 - Butt Cream
9:00 - 11:35 - slept soundly zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
11:40 pm - Woke Mom for 2 Tylenol for temp 102.7, 2 pain meds and back to sleep
1:10 am - temp coming down - 101.46 and bathroom trips, pain, and anxiety increasing as nights before
1:45 am - Butt Foam
2:30 - Tramadol (for Inflammation), Lorazapam (for anxiety)
3:00 am - 2 Pain Pills
3:00 - 6:30 - Blessed Uninterrupted Sleep ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
6:30am -2 Tylenol - temp 100.3 and falling
6:30 am - 2 pain pills
6:30 - 8:00 - And More Sleep zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
8:00 - She conquered the tub - getting clean for radiation
9:00 - She ate toast (she has not eaten solid food since Sunday morning only clear liquids)
9:00 - Levaquinn - Antibiotic for infection
9:00 - Flucanazole - Antibiotic for thrush (yeast in mouth)
9:00 - Lorazapam - Anxiety (to help handle today's radiation at 10:30)
9:00 - Tramadol (Inflammation)
9:00 - Prilosec - (Heart Burn which is a major problem)
9:15 - I had a shower, YIPEEEE - Mom says that as a patient she deserves a hygiene conscience caregiver - I guess 3 days without is long enough, I told her if she gets lucky I might even brush my teeth, but that's all no shaving, make-up, styled hair, etc....that's where I draw the line.

9:30 - off to radiation
9:45 - 2 more pain pills

Bottom line, there were no out of control moments, pain was managed throughout the night and we slept much better. She woke up so encouraged, what a great feeling!

I want to describe today's radiation treatment (Boost has arrived) and talk a little about the cool valet guy and soccer mom but I need to go check on her and the medicine schedule.

check back later :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I really think she is having spasms and not constipation. If she were blocked, I would think she would constantly hurt until the blockage was released, especially continual stomach pain. Her pain and feeling of needing to go comes in waves. She has diarhea each and every time she goes to the toilet at least 30 to 40 plus times a day. When it climaxes usually in the last hour before she can recieve her next dose of oxycodone, her pain goes off the charts. She either starts shaking uncontrollably and if someone isn't in the room, yells for help or she loses her head and starts racing around the house out of her head not being rational. At this point she starts hunting the pill bottles for something more to take to make her go to the bathroom. When we got to radiation, I didn't think she'd meet with the radiologist so I asked the front desk if I could possibly ask her a quick question. They said to flag down the nurse (the one we don't like) and ask her to speak with the doc. Anyway, the radiologist appeared before the nurse. Weird, I don't know whether to say something or wait so not to cause a rift for not following the chain of command. I asked her if I could have a couple of minutes, she obliged. She listened to me describe the pain, my thoughts on what's going on, and the information I received from Joy on-line about the spasms. I was very calm (more like half dead from desperation and lack of sleep) as I explained. She looked agitated and said take her to the ER. I think she thinks I'm just too high maintanance and is ready to pass us along. I asked her if we could try Clonazapam like Joy used for spasms. She said they don't prescribe that for radiation patients. She didn't say you're on a wild goose chase or yes spasms could be the culprit. She's just ready to wash her hands of us. At that point the radiation technician walked mom past us to put her in a room to see the radiologist. If I'd known we were going to meet, I wouldn't have tried to speak to her beforehand. Mom and I waiteed in the examination room for 30 to 40 minutes. She finally came in and said that it sounds like she has something called tenesmus which causes a false sense of needing to go and anal spasms. She said she didn't know why she didn't think of it before. She would prescribe proctofoam to inject into her butt and that it would help combat the spasms. She didn't talk to me unless I directly spoke to her. She didn't say anything about the conversation we had in the hallway, it was like it just dawned on her that maybe it's spasms caused by tenesmus. It's just a completely weird feeling, but she gave mom a hug before we left which I'm grateful. She says boost radiation starts tomorrow and that mom should experience immediate relief. Mom's hanging on those words which scares me b/c Belle has posted her relief did not come for 2 weeks after radiation stopped. 8 more radiation hits.I did call the onc nurse to see if she'd prescribe the clonazapam but she called during the radiation when I have to turn off cell phone due to radiation machines. She did not leave a msg or call back. I'll try her again tomorrow if this other stuff doesn't work. By the way proctofoam is put directly inside her bottom. She can't do it and the first time I really had a hard time finding the hole b/c of the hemmoroids and swelling. (tmi, I'm sorry) I'm scared to call more than absolutely is necessary b/c they are treating me like the boy who called wolf too many times. This afternoon mom woke up with extreme pain, she was shaking uncontrollably and yelled for help. It was 20 minutes until time for next dose of oxycodone. Dad had her swallow one pill and chew the other one up for quicker relief (thanks Bradyr) Dad and I agreed that we'd up the dose without calling the doc to 2 pills every 3 hours instead of trying to wait 4 hrs. I'm just not giving up! Each and every time she takes a dive from whatever, I'll keep trying to find a better way. I just can't accept that nothing can be done. thank you, thank you, thank you.Oh, my friend is giving me numbers to call for in-home help. It's hard to committ to doing that, letting a stranger come. Another friend is checking on a cleaning service. This friend came on Sat. and cleaned the bathroom (so awesome) but with all the accidents, I'm scared we are all walking around in ecoli. I clean it with 409 but I just don't have the energy to do a deep clean which I think it needs. A friend of Mom's says she wants to help and is coming on Saturday. If it works out maybe she'll help on weekends to give dad and I a break.

Bad Nights

This was me reaching out on the colon club last night and Belle (NW Girl), Monique, and WAMO were there. Thank you God for leading me to the Colon Club and for these caring women who got me through tonight.

(Me) Nights seem worse. Diarrhea seems more frequent, not making it to the toliet more, more pain and anxiety. She's taking oxicodone 2 pills every 4 hours. At night, it's not enough. Right now she has almost an hour before next dose and pain level is rapidly increasing. Do I absolutely have to wait 4 hrs? She's straining due to constipation but there's frequent urgent diarrhea. Both are wreaking havoc on her butt. Tonight there's a little blood when she blots. I assume its hemmoroids from straining. She also complains about her bones hurting. She thought she dodged mouth sores this round of chemo, but tonight there popping up. I'm reading on this forum about those at all stages continuing on w/ life, jobs, hobbies. How in the world is that possible? Is mom's side effects normal? Oh and I went to initial mts with all doc and went to chemo class where the msg was not to suffer through but let them know of all side effects and they will find meds to relieve it. In fact the onc head nurse said the disease is tough, you don't have to be. But in the next breath makes it sound like tough it out, it is what it is.

Re: Bad Nights
by NWgirl on Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:11 am
My side effects from radiation were tough, but nothing like what your mother is experiencing. Of course I have a temporary ileostomy, which is a blessing during chemo/radiation as it all comes out in the bag - pain free, regardless of how bad the diahhrea is. As for bones hurting, she's not getting that nulestra (sp?) shot is she? (Yes, she had it last Friday) That causes a lot of people pain in their bones. How many more radiation treatments does she have? Once those things are over with, you can start to begin the count down to when she will start to feel some relief. For me it was about 2 weeks after radiation stopped, but hopefully hers will be quicker.That seems like a lot of oxicodone - I definitely would not increase it unless her doctor says its okay.When I went through radiation, there would have been no way I could have worked (I'm a stay at home Mom). I LIVED in my Lazy-Boy recliner for weeks. I read about people that continue to work as well and I don't know how they do it.I'm so sorry you and your mother are having to go through this. It breaks my heart every time I read your updates. I will continue to pray for you both.

by Monique on Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:28 am
I did not have to undergo radiation, but I found the side effects of chemo sometimes extremely painful. Thus, I am really, really sorry to hear about your Mum's side effects. When I was undergoing treatment my bowels were ravaged: constipation and ongoing diarrhea (sometimes as many as twenty - thirty trips to the bathroom), which resulted in some brutal fissures. I think that my bowel issues were the worst side effect of my treatment (and not to scare others, because certainly not everyone suffers from these things).Frankly, the only thing that seemed to take the edge off the pain was long, epson salt baths and, after a few chemotherapy treatments, knowing what to expect and preparing myself for the side effects. For instance, while experiencing constipation, I would eat prunes or drink prune juice (however, another poster remarked that prunes gave him the trots, so if your Mum is trying them out, I suggest that she only do so in moderation). When I was experiencing relentless diarrhea, I would take Imodium in the morning to nip things in the bud. I also ate a very bland diet (Google "BRAT"). This seemed to help somewhat. Although these things didn't cure the symptoms, they did seem to help a fair bit. I don't know if this will make your Mum feel any better, but I did not, and could not, continue with my hobbies, never mind my job or school. No way. By the way, I have a nurse friend who insists that no one's pain be more than a four out of ten. So, if your Mum is suffering more than a four out of ten, I would suggest you immediately speak to a doctor regarding pain management (as well as a nurse, as they are often even more helpful than the doctors and, in my experience, fantastic advocates). Also, my learned nurse friend said that the best way to treat pain is to treat it early, before it reaches a 4/10, otherwise it can be difficult subdue.Monique

(Me) Re: Bad Nights
by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:39 am
Belle, I'm so glad you are there, do you not sleep either. I would have had her admitted to hospital last Monday if they would've agreed. I feel like such a downer and a terrible failure at mind over matter, this really seems impossible at times.Monday they told us no solid foods just clear fluids. She's doing miralax laxitive. She can't try to physicaaly move things b/c radiation burns. She hurts terribly when peeing, thought doing it in the tub of water might be an idea but initial hit if water is equally as bad. She just uncontrollbly shakes from pain. Oh, she's had 4 consecutive days off radiation, go back tomorrow, still 9 left.

Re: Bad Nights
by wamo on Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:20 am
I can hear your worry and pain in your message.... take a deep breath and know you are doing all you can to help your mom...My husband had rectal cancer and 6 weeks of radiation everyday M-F.... he tolerated it well until about 3/4 of the way through. He had the excruciating pain, uncontrollable shaking / shuddering from the pain when he tried to go to the bathroom. He also was on oxycodone... and as long as he wasn't driving he could have 2 every two hours... but sometimes that just isn't the right pain med for the pain receptors that are experiencing the pain. I would first ask onc if there was another thing to try... at one point they had him taking Motrin and Oxycodone and that helped a lot when he had a rectal abscess.Now this is really KEY..... SITZ BATH SITZ BATH SITZ BATHSSSSSSSSSSS. No one ever told us this would help despite our reporting in of his horrible pain from treatment. I got on the computer one night and saw a couple of references to do sitz baths to relieve the pain. My husband could have kissed my feet.... he said that was the ONLY thing that helped him. It was still tough and painful but frequent sitz baths helped over all with all of it. Basically, warm water in the tub, no soap... and you only need enough for the water to go just under your bum area... not a full on bath, I'd say 4 inches max water height. He couldn't believe none of the doctors ever mentioned something like this might help and boy did it! So at least try... It sucks, no doubt. And being a caregiver myself, it is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love in that much pain. I used to worry about how much pain meds and would he get addicted, etc. One time my pharmacist told me (we have become good friends since I see him so much) that when someone has cancer those concerns become secondary... your priority is to help them through their pain. So don't worry too much ok.Hang in there I know it feels like how can I do this another day sometimes, but you can and you will get through this time.Wamo

(Me) by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:20 am
Did your husband lose it and say to leave him alone at points. It's 3am, 1 hr before next dose of oxycodone and her pain level is bad and climbing and anxiety through the roof. She wanted me to leave her alone, she was going to lay on towels on kitchen floor. I convinced her to get backin bed but that I'd stay in living rm to give her space. She's out of her head, I can't reach her. She thinks she is blocked and can't get relief. She hasn't had food for 2.5 days. she had enough liquids the past 2 days. Can I give her Lorazapam anxiety pill 2 hrs early.

Re: Bad Nights
by wamo on Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:46 am
Yes he did ask me to give him space in a sense... he couldn't talk for a while after bathroom attempts.... it would come on suddenly too be watery yet took all he had in him just to get it out... infact it was like his body was forcing him to push even though he didn't want to (he also has hemorrhoids). All I can do is relate what happened with us, I am no doctor and certainly don't want to act like I am one. So I have no idea if you should give that anxiety pill early or if that is a really bad thing to do.With our insurance we have a phone number to an advice nurse and if you have that too, I would call the heck out of that thing and let her know your mom's pain meds level and the pain scale rating she is at 1 being no pain and 10 being worst pain you could ever imagine. Let them guide you on all your worries. If you don't have that, perhaps you have a 24 hr number for oncology... there is probably an on-call oncologist always available. You would just call your cancer center and they would either give you a number to an advice nurse or page the oncologist or however they work it. You should not feel that you are alone in this. Make those calls describe everything and they will let you know if yes that is normal or is this happening also or get her to ER now or see oncologist first thing in the am or whatever is appropriate. But bottom line is take the pressures off of you. Your mom knows you are available to her, be close but give her space if that is what she needs to deal with this. We all have our ways of dealing with pain and feelings of desperation. This is cancer.... it is ugly at times. Stay on it enough so you are comfortable in knowing that you have asked all of the right questions and so on...I wish I could do more to help you and your mom. I am sorry for all that you both are going through.WAMO

Re: Bad Nights
(Me) by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:50 am
Okay, at 4:00 when I brought her the Oxycodon she apologized. I told her it's okay, she has a right to lose it and be upset and angry. I felt her, she was burning up. Took her temp and it was 101.28. Called the nurse on call, gave 2 tylenol and started antibotic that she has if temp goes above 100. She's had pain pills, anxiety pill (20 minutes early). I'm wondering if there's no constipation only the feeling of it b/c she's so messed up inside from the radiation. Burnt, inflammed, swolen and that's what's making her think she's constipated. She hasn't eaten in 2.5 days. She had plenty of fluids the past 2 days. Yesterday with IV and today drank over 2 pints. She hasn't passed hard stool today only diarrhea. She had 2 mirclax ( stool softener) and a couple of suppositories. Anxiety back down (I told her temp was 100), pain pills in effect, back in control Thank you

Re: Bad Nights
(Me) by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:58 am
Thank you so much for being there. I think we are okay and back in control. I might sound totally losing it when posting but I really try to put game face on for her; calm and never tears. Whle I think I pull it off pretty good, I don't know. It's really hard to know what to do when her anxiety and pain are thru the roof. I try to give her space but at the same time worry that getting in and out of bed on pain med and total exhaustion, she's going to collaspe or something. I just try to be where she can't see me but close enough to know what's going on. I wish I was a nurse and had more exp with all this. I just don't know when it's really serious or not. This thing is really a rollercoaster ride. It helps so much with ya'll there. Thank you, thank you, thank you.