my world

Tutoring Moments

2010-03-23T19:29:00.004-05:00

There's been so many blogable moments at home and work lately. Right now, I've got an after-school program going in town. There are over 100 students attending at an elementary school.

Before Spring Break, I was called to the Kindergarten classroom. Let me just say, God Bless Kindergarten teachers! I don't know how they do it. This student was drawing on the walls and running around the room totally out of control. Once in the hallway, the teacher was giving me all the gory details as he went to his locker, threw everything out, stomped in and shut the door. The teacher said, "Well at least he's contained" and went back into her room. There I am in the hallway, 10 minutes before tutoring is over, trying to coax a stubborn 5 year old from his locker. Knowing he had the upper hand, he refused to budge from his locker and wasn't scared to tell me in so many Kindergarten words! I called his mama and held the phone to his ear. I couldn't believe it. The only words out of his mouth were "Yes Maam, No Maam." Is this the same kid? After a few minutes, he looked up at me with big, pitiful eyes and said an award winning "I'm sorry Miss Michele." Now, who could stay mad after that? I only wish I had a camera to capture the moment, me holding my cell to this 5 year old's ear while he stood in his locker.

Today, I checked on him early in the session. There he was running around the room, not listening to his teacher, being a basic holy terror. Dang, here we go again! Back out in the hallway, me frantically searching for his mom's number as he slams open his locker, throws its contents halfway down the hallway, ready to jump in. With as serious a tone as I could manage, I warned, "Don't you dare get in that locker!" I should have let him because next that little twerp through a marble at me, can you believe that? I held the phone to his ear to let his mom talk to him as I searched him for more visible weapons. Within minutes, he was apologizing . . . again. Back in his classroom, I gave the teacher his mom's number and while explaining it's magic, another less angry, more inquisitive 5 year old with missing front teeth, looked up at me and spit out, "How old you is?" In mid-sentence, I answered, "Really old" and kept talking with the teacher. Then he said, "What, you is 30 or 31?" He then had my full attention as I answered smiling, "Yes, yes I is, thank you, thank you very much!"

Halfway through tutoring, I was called to one of the 2nd grade classrooms. One of our students was in trouble. I told him to get his stuff and come with me. He burst out in LOUD, obnoxious wailing. I'm mean he was LOUD, it caught me off guard. He's almost as tall as me, standing their throwing a fit like a 2 year old, snot pouring out his nose and tears down his cheeks. I swear, I was more stern with the Kindergartner, it was crazy! Knowing he wouldn't hear a thing I had to say until he calmed down, I told him to go into the bathroom and to dry it up. While in there, it sounded like he was going to throw up. What is the deal? A teacher stopped to listen with me in the hallway and asked "Do you know his story?"

His mom lost their house and moved in with friends. Get this, there are 14 of them living in a 1 bedroom apartment. Obviously, sleeping is a problem. She said he often goes hungry. They are living out of a trash bag in a cramped, little apartment. Mom had a court hearing today and might be in jail tonight when he gets home from tutoring. If she manages to avoid jail today, she'll go back in front of the judge in 2 weeks. When he came out of the bathroom, I wrapped my arms around him like he was my own and vowed I'd never let go. He wailed. I wanted to too.

I was called into the other 2nd grade classroom before Spring Break for a girl acting out. Her mom recently started serving a jail sentence on the weekends. I waited with another girl for her ride to come after tutoring. Her family is living with some church friends because their apartment burned down from a meth lab.

I called a good friend, my mom and informed my husband that I just might pull a blindside tomorrow and bring at the least 20 kids home with me. I saw the movie "Precious" over the break. You'd like to believe it doesn't really happen, don't you?

One Wish

2009-10-29T18:52:00.002-05:00

I've drove over 1000 miles this week. Today, I drove through a flat-out downpour of rain. Last week, I drove through the night to make it home for Friday morning assembly at my kid's school. Baby Girl's class led the assembly and she really wanted me there.

With all this driving, I have plenty of time to think, too much really. I've always been scared to talk much about dying. I guess because the whole "guard your tongue" message and if you give an inch mentality. But last week on the way home I thought, people die every day. They don't plan it. They don't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll have a stroke or fatal car wreck today, but it happens. So, what if I don't make it home one day? Will my kids be okay, will they know how I felt, do they know what I want for them?

Little Man doesn't want me to leave him to go to Walmart much less out of town on business. He always drills me . . . do you have to leave, why? When will you be back, when are you leaving? With Grandma around, Baby Girl handles it better but still wants me at her assemblies, school parties, etc... Today is her 7th birthday and I couldn't make it home, oh the guilt. (Thank you Grandpa and Nana for taking cupcakes and juice to her school birthday party, for doing what I couldn't this year) With our business, you've got to strike while the iron's hot.

My sweet babies, if there's ever a day I don't make it home, please know how much I love you. I NEVER would choose to leave you. Don't you ever, even once, think about blaming yourself, sometimes the unexplainable just happens. If I could have just 1 wish for you both, I'd wish that you will allow God to be there for you, like He's always been there for me. He's been there for me every step of the way, through the very best and worst of times. He never left me once. I want this for you more than anything else. I love you, now and forever . . . you have my heart.

Hair In Your Drawers

2009-10-20T21:46:00.003-05:00

I met up with Janice and friends at Hooter's in Little Rock last week. I had a blast catching up and listening to their stories of old Pentecostal days. I've got to make this post quick so I'll share my favorite story told that night.

Jodie says an evangelist came to our little church on the west side fired up over the women in the congregations hairdo's. Obviously, Pentecostal women are forbidden to cut their hair. I remember Mom having REALLY long hair. She used balls of hair she called fillers to make her hair look fuller and stand higher on her head, the higher the better.

Anyway, the evangelist must have thought the hair fillers as worldly because standing at the pulpit he preached, "I'll Tell You . . . Most of You Women Have More Hair in Your Drawers Than You Do On Your Head!"

I about coughed up a lung laughing so hard over that one. Mom says she remembers being in that service, I wish I did.

On a more serious note, another favorite was told by a friend (I'm sorry, I'm bad with names) She said that in the middle of her Pentecostal time, the guilt over not ever being good enough finally got to her.

She remembers going to the alter one night, crying out to God that no matter how high her hair was, or how long her dress, the fact she refused to wear make-up or jewelry, and even how hard or long she prayed, fasted, read her bible and so forth, it was never enough. She always came up short.

And so that night,standing defeated at the alter, she looked up at God in desperation and said, "I can't do it anymore." God answered, "Good, Now Let Me!"

That night changed her life. Her story, changed mine.

A Little Breezy

2009-10-14T21:27:00.004-05:00

I'm cold, turned on the heater in my hotel room and set the fire alarm off. No worries, the fire department is just across the road. Mom and I stayed here a couple of years ago and heard sirens all night long. I came prepared this time with ear plugs but hubby let me know I forgot my toothbrush. That ain't nothing, I forgot underwear and a bra.

All in a Days work

2009-10-10T22:57:00.006-05:00

I watched Great Grandma today so Grandma and Paw Paw could go to the fair. She was actually pretty good all things considered. Grandma says you have to treat her like a kid. Let her know who the boss is so I gave it my best shot.

Last night, they came to the house to eat chili. It was so good. . . not sure if it was the taste, the cold weather or the fact that I didn't have to cook it. Regardless, hubby made a great chili. Anyway just before dinner, Great Grandma sneaked out of her wheelchair and fell on the tile in our entry way. She wasn't hurt, thank goodness but she won't, can't listen. She's always trying to get up on her own and therefore falls quite often.

I'm not sure if that justifies my actions but today after taking her to the bathroom, I sat her on the couch, turned on the TV, and tied her to the couch. Yes, I said, Tied her to the couch. I'm not sure if she realized she was tied at first but after a short nap, she discovered our homemade seat belt and wasn't happy. It's for her own safety . . . in her best interest, right? During the nap, I was actually able to help hubby with the pool. When I came in to figure out lunch for the kids, she was pulling at the tie down. In my best boss voice, I told her to cut it out and watch TV. I guess my voice if just not authoritative enough because like the kids, she argued, "I want to go outside!" I firmly said, "No!" Again, as with the kids, we went round and round as I'm giving up finding anything in my kitchen to eat and grabbing the phone to order pizza.

Both kids had a friend sleepover last night whom I had to take home. Great Grandma loves to go for a ride so off we went. Funny, I don't feel 1 ounce of guilt for the seat belt in the car but feel awful about the one in the living room. Anyway, as we were driving kids home, I turned the Seris radio to Channel 4, 40's music. She mainly somewhat comes alive when arguing with me but this time the music caught her attention. The kids probably thought we were crazy, but Great Grandma and I shared a duet to "There's no Business, Like Show Business" and then "Slow Poke." When I pulled in the driveway and hubby came over to help her out of the car, he wrinkled up his nose in disgust and asked, "What are you listening to?" I proudly told him, "It's Frank Sinatra, your grandma loves it" smiling as I turn to her for affirmation "Don't you?" In true Great Grandma form she answered, "No!"

That woman kills me!

In other news, Little Man won Bowler of the Week today for his game last Saturday. He was 67 pins above average. They called his name over the intercom in the bowling alley and awarded him with a little bowling pin trophy. He was so excited, I was so proud! He also submitted an application to the counselor and was picked to be one of the peer mediators this year at his school. The application was pretty long and required a recommendation from 2 teachers at the school. He's required to attend an all day mediation class sometime in the next couple of weeks. It might be wishful thinking but I'm hoping he can apply some of those precious peace making skills at home with his sister.

Baby Girl has been enjoying the game room in the bowling alley. Grandma/Paw Paw and Nana/Grandpa have kept the quarters coming each Saturday. Last week, Baby Girl spent all her money on a roulette type of game trying to win tickets to buy junk little toys. Knowing prayer works, she faithfully clasped her hands and bowed her head before each spin. She actually hit the jackpot 4 times, that's 600 tickets. I seriously was considering sneaking her into the casino that night.

As always, I have so much to say but am falling asleep. If you get a chance, check out this blog. It's unbelievable; www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

I can't figure out how to make a link, I've tried several different times but type her blog address in and you won't be disappointed.

Rhonda the Honda

2009-09-25T21:54:00.008-05:00

My husband is gone on a motorcycle run. Baby Girl is at Grandma's, Again. I took Little Man and his best friend to get burgers for dinner tonight. While eating, his bf asked how many car wrecks have I had. I probably should have shaded the truth some, but I didn't. I honestly can't remember the number of wrecks I've had. Dad G gave me a brand new, black Dodge Daytona for my 16th birthday. I guess my first wreck was not long after that. I was on a road, it turned and I didn't. I raced straight through a barbwire fence barely missing sleeping cows. You can only imagine what my car looked like afterwards.

Wanting to spread the love, I wrecked Dad's (G) car too during my first semester in college. It was a beautiful day. I remember, I had the windows down, good music blaring and then BAM, I ate the back end of a vintage Volkswagen Bug. Did I mention, it was my college professor's car, I had just left his class. His whole bumper came off, it wasn't pretty nor was my grade at the end of the semester.

Although not technically a car wreck, I shorted out the electrical system in my Daytona by using the ashtray as a piggy bank. While on the cruise strip with my best friend riding shotgun, the radio would start scanning when we'd hit a bump in the road. To stop it on the desired song, she'd have to open the car door and give it a good slam shut. Yes, she would continually have to open and shut the door every time I hit a bump or if a bad song came on the radio. It's a miracle she never fell out.

When dating my husband in high school, he refused to ride in my car because he couldn't see the floorboard from all the trash, clothes and stuff. I practically had to take my shoes off to ride in his car, a restored Plymouth Duster. It was a nice muscle car and made great background prom pics.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Dad G leased the Daytona. Mom says she'd given anything to have seen the faces of the people at the dealership when he pulled up to turn in my poor car.

My next ride was a Honda Civic, lovingly referred to as Rhonda the Honda. Dad M brought her to me after a few weeks away in college. Rhonda was a repo Dad M bought from the credit union. She was in "like new" condition when I got her but that didn't last long. Although now I don't remember all the mishaps, by the time I was done with her she had been hit from all sides. Okay, I usually was to blame, but there was this one time when it wasn't my fault. I wasn't even in the car. My roommate and I were hanging out one afternoon watching a Stephen Stegal movie when we heard a crash come from the street. Looking out the window, we saw someone had rammed into the back of Rhonda the Honda. She was a young mother who had turned away for a split second to tend to her baby in the backseat. She was so upset, I felt sorry for her. The wreck didn't really bother me. I got fishing wire and tied my bumper back on, good as new, sorta.

Again, not a wreck but after a long night of studying in college, a friend of mine came by my house to check that I was up for class. When I opened the door, he said he didn't think I was home because my car wasn't in the driveway. I argued that it was not knowing how he could have missed her. Rounding the corner, sure enough, she wasn't there. Half dead from studying all night, I wasn't sure what to do. I called Dad G and said, "I think someone has stolen Rhonda the Honda." Between laughs he told me "No one would steal that car and advised me to go check around the neighborhood." What the heck! Is he serious, check the neighborhood! He thinks I left her somewhere and don't remember. Giving up on him, I called my mom. She laughed even harder and said, "No one would want that car!" Finally, I called the police.

I guess, word was spreading around campus because by the time the cop showed, a couple of friends had come over. As I described her to the cop, "She's a gray Honda Civic with a green KD tag on the front. She's got a cracked windshield, has been hit from every side and fishing wire is holding up the back bumper." As I was finishing my detailed description to the cop, my fraternity big brother had arrived for moral support. Being the observant guy that he is, he pointed out a car sitting far off in the distance in the field across from my house. He asked, "Isn't that your car?" Looking at the police report, the cop said matter-of-factly, "Fits the description." Okay, either someone played a really good joke on me (no one ever fessed up) or I left her out of gear, she rolled across the street, steered perfectly between a utility pole and it's grounding wire with only a few inches to spare and came to a rest in the middle of a field across from my house. The cop let me keep the police report as a souvenir.

Intrigued, the boys asked me whatever happened to Rhonda the Honda. I explained the importance of motor oil and what happens when it runs out. Dad G and Mi Mi were with me when she left us on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Dad called a local mechanic who observed smoke and water coming out of the tailpipe as I tried to start the engine. I know it's not funny, but then again it is. The mechanic had a hair lip and while watching smoke and water pour out the back he said, "Tat not uh goot tign!" We still laugh about Rhonda the Honda and the hair lip car mechanic. He was really sweet, good at his job and resurrected my poor Rhonda the Honda.

I eventually sold her for $800.00 to a retired couple who drove a Winnebago. Rhonda the Honda is probably still on the road somewhere between here and Abilene, Texas. Who knows, maybe you've passed her on the highway.

The boys were entertained but I'm not sure it was the best lesson of care and responsibility. Lord help me when they get their driver's license!

2009-09-12T20:28:00.004-05:00

After reading writtenwordlover's post about a survey she took on facebook, I decided to try it. It was the one, What book of the bible are you? It said she was the book Numbers. She wasn't thrilled with her result, not exciting enough. It said I'm Ecclesiastes. Here's its reasons why;

You're a hardheaded realist burned once too often by the flaws of others and the emptiness of what society calls "success." Your wisdom comes from the school of hard knocks, which makes you a great advisor. You can't stand fake sunniness and social climbing; you're true, even if you're a little blue. Your eyes are clear, so without denying the reality of evil, make sure you also look at the goodness that's taking place around you.

Sounds like I'm depressed, maybe so.

Busy Again

2009-09-10T22:26:00.015-05:00

Forgive me, it's been over a month since my last post. Seriously, I've always wanted to go to confession. I'm not Catholic but I did go to mass a few weeks ago. It was cool, just not my thing.

This past month has been crazy. Summer left without warning. I really thought we had more time, until we didn't. Although I couldn't be there because of work, the kids started school a couple of weeks ago. So far so good. Baby Girl loves the 1st grade but is not at all happy about homework. Suggested by her mother, Babygirl joined a soccer team. They are the Strikers. I know nothing about the sport but she's having a blast. It's pretty time consuming with practice every Tuesday and Thursday and games on Saturdays. Their first game is this week. I also gave permission and even encouraged her to join the Girl Scouts. She is extremely excited about camping out next month. Hubby and I are excited that the meetings take place at the school (after school) so we don't have to drive her anywhere. Hubby reminds me daily how I broke the 1 activity at a time rule.

After the first week of school, Babygirl shared a "secret" with me at bedtime about some friends in her class. Okay, stay with me . . . this gets complicated. She said that her friend Reece likes her new friend Kinsey. She clarified that Kinsey only likes Reece as her friend but Reece wants to be her boyfriend. Giggling she went on to say that Reece does whatever Kinsey says, EVEN when he doesn't want to. Wow, it starts early doesn't it! Anyway, she then said that her brother, Little Man, and his friend keep making fun of her saying that Davis (a boy in her class) is her "boyfriend". She promises me that she only likes Davis as a friend, not a boyfriend. Off the subject, I mention that we might have one last pool party before it gets cold, who would she want to invite. Guess who was numero uno?

DAVIS! (Hmmmm, could it be love at the age of 6 years old). I'm friends with Davis' mom and of course told her all about our talk. We decide they're a perfect match! Our work is done, it's arranged, they will wed, date tba. Isn't he a cutie!

I've stopped going to church and decided to fly solo for a while. My friend advised me to be still and quiet to hear God's voice. Okay, I'm not so good in that department so I'm taking meditation classes to become better at still and quiet. I'm really enjoying trying to meditate. When going to my last class, Babygirl asked where I was going? I said meditation classes. She asked me why and I said to find peace. Her face lit up as she said she knows how to find peace. Her directions to me were to sit criss-cross applesauce, fold my hands in prayer and say OMMMMM, OMMMMM over and over. Little Man's advice for peace was to read a book. They're better than Dr. Phil.

The other day at home Baby Girl asked, "When are we going to go to church?" I said, "I think we'll have church right here." Puzzled, she looked around the house and asked, "You mean, everyone's coming here for church?" Now that had me laughing out loud.

Little Man has had a pretty exciting start to 4th grade. He was asked by the counselor to be a member of the Bucket Club. It's a group that meets every Friday before school to discuss problems, concerns and ideas left anonymously by fellow students. These messages are put in a bucket located in the school and are discussed every Friday, thus they are the bucket club. Cool idea!

A couple of weeks ago Little Man came home from school wanting to run for Student Council. I wasn't excited about the idea knowing how these things usually go to the popular kids. I, of course, didn't tell him no but warned him how school elections are more like popularity contests. How's that for adult insecurity? It didn't phase him, thank goodness. Writtenwordlover's hubby gave us a great slogan, "Chase your fears, Fleming is here." Hubby put it on a t-shirt that he wore the day of the election.

He had a wonderfully talented professional write an amazingly, persuasive campaign speech, wonder who that is? This same talent was planning an ambush to knock out each and every student who didn't vote for said candidate. The votes were cast and Little Man WON! He's one of this year's 4th grade representative. Grandparents came over to celebrate the victory with pizza, cake, and a congrats balloon and card. It's not every day you win an election! He had his first council meeting today and loved it. He told me all about their discussions and getting to vote by saying "I" and "Nay". Little Man has also joined a bowling league, something he's been hounding me about all summer long. He's on a team of 3 and bowls every Saturday. I guess hubby and I will have to take turns going to his bowling and Babygirls soccer games.

I've discovered facebook over the past month. It's dangerously time-consuming but tons of fun. My sister and neice came to visit over Labor Day Weekend. We had so much fun. Check out the pics.

Chickenpox

2009-08-06T05:44:00.003-05:00

I've never had acne, just the occasional zit or two nothing more than that. This summer I not only had acne breakout all over my face but also on my neck, chest and back. It's crazy! I've tried to figure out if it's oily skin, stress related, hormonal, some food I'm eating or just what? Little Man told me the other day, "Mom, you need to go to the doctor, I think you have chickenpox." I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

What A Week!

2009-08-01T15:58:00.004-05:00

What a week!

I bought school supplies. It was expensive this year. Okay, so I couldn't help buying some things not on the list of which hubby took most back. But this year, Baby Girl's teacher asked for not 1 but 4 boxes of 24 count Crayola Crayons and again not 1 but 4 boxes of Crayola Markers. So, I can read on the box that Crayola is preferred by teachers but their price versus the generic is not preferred by me. And besides, does Baby Girl really need 4 boxes of crayons? I still have her supply box from last year which has perfectly good markers and crayons in it. Hubby thinks we are supplying for others who can't or won't buy their kid's school supplies. Maybe so?

My Aunt Emily is in town. We went to the mall to do some shopping. Our first and only stop was Macy's. We spent over 3 hours in that store and never made it to any of the others. Macy's has the best clearance. I found really cute costume jewelry; a ring for $6.00 and a necklace and bracelet for $12.00. Hubby says it's gonna turn me green, we'll see. I also found 4 tops and a pair of black dress pants all for $37.00. I thought hubby was gonna shoot me for bringing home another pair of black pants. My philosophy is when in doubt wear black. Therefore, I probably have over 10 pairs of black pants/capris in my closet. Anyway, I loved shopping with my aunt. Like me, she can spend hours in 1 store.

I worked some on the computer. I had to input data for the Memphis School District as well as turn in paperwork for the Missouri Department of Education. And so it begins, my calendar is coming alive with meetings, vendor fairs and school functions over the next couple of months. I'm not ready but ready or not it's gonna start August 12th and 13th with vendor fairs in St. Louis. Those are the same dates as my kids "Meet the Teacher" night and 1st day of school. I'm sick over having to miss that.

Hubby won Aerosmith tickets from a local radio station. Neither of us are big on concerts, but I must say Aerosmith was awesome! I'd definitely go see them again. The lead singer Stephen Tyler is quite the performer and his voice is amazing. He sounds as good live as he does on his cds all while running from one end of the stage to the other. The man is 61 years old and still rock'n it and pulling crowds ranging from teenagers to senior citizens. Aerosmith is one of Little Man's favorite rock bands so we brought him back a tshirt. He was thrilled!

Last night I went with a friend to see the musical Wicked. I've only been to the Performing Arts Center one other time to see The Nutcracker. Call me weird but I didn't like it. I guess I'm just not into ballet but I loved last night's musical. I think I'll try more musicals in the future. My friend's daughter is in the same class as Baby Girl. She also was on our Tball team. We're talking about taking the girls to see Wizard of Oz coming next summer.

I just recently got on Facebook. Okay, maybe the new will wear off soon but for now, I'm addicted. I've found gobs of friends, most of which I haven't seen or talk to in years. I've downloaded all sorts of pictures. I joined a mafia although I don't know how to play the game. All in all, I'm loving facebook!

We only have 1 more week until school (and work) starts back. Summer flew by, I guess it always does.

Hard Working Boys

2009-07-18T23:52:00.007-05:00

I know it dangerous getting online 7 minutes before midnight. I've promised myself that I will quickly post this blog, faithfully turn off the computer without so much as checking my email or new facebook page. We'll see.

Hubby went to a motorcycle show and poker run on Friday. He gets back late tonight. Baby Girl spent the past 2 nights at Grandma's. After making bacon and eggs for Little Man and his best friend this morning, I started cleaning house. They joined in and together we cleaned every room top to bottom. They vacuumed, dusted, wiped baseboards, window blinds and window sills. They cleaned the bathroom including toilet, tub, mirror, sink and counter, baseboards, door and scrubbed the tile floor. In the kitchen, they wiped the counter tops and again scrubbed the tile floor. They washed the wood floors throughout the house and cleaned the baseboards down the hallway and in the dining room. They gave the dog a bath and then swept the garage and the front porch.

During my marathon cleanings which lately have been few and far between, I usually get the front of the house good but then run out of steam before getting to my room. Today, they hit my room and oh I can't even begin to say how great a job they did. They vacuumed, wiped the baseboards, dusted the furniture and wiped all my picture frames on the dresser, and cleaned the blinds and window sill. In my closet, they moved all shoes, vacuumed and then wiped the baseboards. My bathroom is heavenly. They cleaned the toilet, jacuzzi tub and the shower, took care of the baseboards, wiped the mirror, and cleaned the counter and sink and then finished up by scrubbing the tile floor.

We went to town to pick up dinner around 9pm. They worked with me all day from 11 until 8:30. Before going home, I stopped by the ATM and pulled out $20.00 for each of them. Little Man is trying to save enough money for an IPOD. His best friend is saving for a new bike. They were ecstatic with the cash but no where near as happy as I was tonight taking a shower in my squeaky clean shower, brushing my teeth in my clean sink, and walking around oohing and ahhing over my beautifully clean house. They probably think I'm crazy (they know I am) but I kept going in their room interrupting their video game to give them hugs and kisses and thank them over and over and over again.

When we moved here 3 years ago, our square footage doubled. Where I could clean the smaller house top to bottom in a day with time left over, I can't here. And like I said, when I do clean, I run out of steam before touching my room and bathroom. I know if I was good, I'd clean a little as I go. Tackle one room per day, not attempt the entire house. The only problem is I've got to be in the mood and that doesn't strike often. Ohhhh, but there's not much better than a clean house and tonight, thanks to two 10 year old boys, my house is immaculate.

Thank you guys :-)

An Entirely too Long Blog

2009-07-14T16:19:00.005-05:00

It's Working - The lazy days of summer is definitely working for me. I love having no place to go and all day to get there. At the start of the summer, I browsed online trying to find activities (golf, bowling, tennis, art, whatever) for the kids. I looked around the house and saw projects I needed to complete. When met with the challenge of free time, my first instinct is to fill it. But after second thoughts, I've got the rest of the year to be busy, so for now a whole lotta nothing is working out just fine.

Not Working - There's only 4 weeks left until the kids have to go back to school and I return to work. I just realized it this morning, my how time flies.

It's Working - I weighed in this morning at 112, it's definitely working for me. Others have noticed. I'm loving it! Although the other day my son, his best friend and I were swimming when they started talking about weight, muscles (which both want, neither have) and such. His friend said that he thinks he's fat. I told him he wasn't, he's just right. To drive the point home, Little Man said, "Yea, you're NOT fat, this is fat" and pinched my gut. How wrong is that!

Not Working - Bumps on my face, bumps on my chest, it's not working for me. Some days I would call it acne. My face isn't so bad today, but it looks like I have the measles on my chest. I tried cortizone thinking maybe it's been an allergic reaction all summer long, but it didn't help either.

It's Working - Although others may disagree, my summer hairdo whether just been washed or just out of the pool is totally working for me. A little hair gel, twist back into clip and I'm good to go. No hairdryer, no curling iron and no flat iron. My make-up consists of a little concealer around my eyes (nothing will cover the bumps, I don't even try), eyeliner and mascara. I'm even going some without any makeup. Not my best look but I can get out of the shower and be ready in 10 minutes flat.

Not Working - Spending $80.00 and almost 3 hours for a cut and color at one of the cheaper franchised salons. I've decided after years of this, I'm gonna get color in a box from Walmart to cover my gray. Hubby even volunteered to help. I'm not sure of his intentions. Is it the money saved or the gray hair covered, who knows? Who cares! The gray hasn't bother me much but evidently it bothers my son because he keeps bringing it up, "Mom, your gray is really showing!" Last night, my mom said, "What color are you going next" a nice, subtle hint, don't you think.

Working - Hanging out with the kids and family. Sunday, Baby Girl and I played in the pool just the two of us. When we had enough sun, we climbed into my bed, ate Cheetos and watched "Tarzan." A few nights ago, Little Man drove me all around the neighborhood in his RZR (ATV). That night he climbed in bed with me and blogged while I read a book. Yesterday, we all went to the movies and saw "Ice Age." Last night, hubby made dinner and we ate on the patio. Afterwards we all jumped into the pool. The kids went inside just about the time the sun set. Hubby and I stayed outside and watched storm clouds gather. We must have watched for over an hour before the lightening ran us inside. It stormed all night long.

Not Working - The constant whining, griping, complaining and fighting. The kids are either the best of friends or the worst of enemies, no in between. Little Man aggravates and annoys his sister. Baby Girl whines, whines and whines. It crawls all over me, can't we all just get along? The other day, they started it up first thing. Hubby warned them if they didn't stop, they would get the worst spanking of their life. As you can guess, they didn't stop so hubby grabbed the paddle. Yep, it sounded like the worst spanking ever. Baby Girl came out of the room screaming. Little Man held it together somewhat because his friend was over. I must say, they were 100 times better for the rest of that day.

Working - I've got an inversion chair, think that's what it's called. You strap your feet in and hang upside down. I do it at least twice a day. It's uncomfortable at first but after everything stretches out, it's great. The instruction book says there's all sorts of health benefits from relieving back pain to increasing brain activity. Basically, more oxygen to the brain makes you smarter, Lord knows, I can use all the help I can get in that area.

Not Working - Over the past couple of years, I've had to travel for work. Sitting in the car for long periods of time is a pain in the butt, literally. I've been to the doctor who said it's my sciatic nerve. It feels like something is digging in at the top of my right butt cheek. It sometimes bothers me from my leg clear to my foot. The doctor prescribes steroids and muscle relaxers which usually works. Anyway, almost 4 weeks ago I went with a friend to Memphis for a quick 2 day trip. It started hurting then. Less than a week later, we had to go to Colorado, a 12 hour road trip, it hurt worse. It's weird, it doesn't hurt from over-exertion, just sitting. Tired of waiting it out, I called the doctor when we made it back into town. He called in the steroids and muscle relaxers. I thought it was helping at first but now with 1 pill left, it's still there. It's not an excruciating pain just a constant dull one. If I could just relax that muscle, it would be okay. Anyway, I have an appointment this afternoon.

Working - Hubby and I had 3 date nights last week. It wasn't planned, it just ended up that way. The first night we met another couple at the movies and saw "Public Enemies." It was really good for an action, shoot 'em up movie. I love Johnny Depp, he just gets better and better. The second date night, we went to the casino and saw the Motown group, the Four Tops. You know the song, "Sugar Pie, Honey bunch. You know that I love you. I can't help myself, I love you and Nobody Else." The concert was fun and free, can't beat that. Some of hubby's motorcycle friends met us there. One guy I'd met before was telling hubby about his new motorcycle. Hubby rides a Jackpot Victory Motorcycle. It looks like a chopper, all looks but zero comfort. Anyway, this guy just bought a Victory Vision which is like a GoldWing. He was talking about how great the ride was and that we should try it out. The seat is huge, it's like sitting in a lazyboy. The guy put Sirrius Satellite Radio on it. But what caught my attention, he said that he put a new accessory on the passenger's seat, a vibrator. Obviously, I thought he was joking, weird joke. He gave hubby the keys and said to take it for a spin. I jumped on back as he was giving hubby last minute instructions. The seat is huge and sits like a Lazyboy recliner. I was immediately sold but then he started it up and OMG!!! The seat vibrates! The more acceleration, the more it vibrates. Hubby's birthday is next week, guess what present I'm getting him :-) Our last date night, we went for double scoop ice cream cones, Mmmm.

Not Working - The more date nights you have, the more you want.

Working - Time to read. I've read some really good ones. I told you about "The Secret Life of Bees." It was great! One I picked up at the library is "What I Know Now" by Ellyn Spragins. The author has famous, successful women write a letter to their younger self. The author takes 1 to 2 pages to introduce the famous person and the time in their life the letter is meant for. Her introductions are okay, but most of the letters are priceless. Some are actors, singers, politicians, CEO's, writers, artists, Olympic medalists and more. A few of the women are Madelynn Albright, Nora Roberts, Trisha Yearwood, and Maya Angelo. She wrote another which I didn't think was as good called "If I'd Known Then." It's women in their 20's and 30's writing mostly to their teenage younger self. I've started reading Barbara Walters book "Audition." Her life is amazing, what a woman! Right now, I'm reading another one I found at the library, "Angry Conversations with God" by Susan E. Isaacs. I haven't decided yet if I'm sold or not. While some pages drag, it's got enough good moments to keep me reading. She writes the book as her "spiritual memoir." I can so relate to some of her experiences. It starts out with her life in the crapper. Her boyfriend breaks up with her, all her friends are getting married, her career takes a nose dive, which leaves her pissed off and depressed. A church friend calls to witness and bring her out of her funk. The friend recommends books to help; "Conversations with God" and "The Sacred Romance." Her response to the first is "Who on earth has conversations with God like that?" She says her conversations with God would be angry and go more like:

Susan: What the ______________, God? Are you trying to kill me?
God: Shut the ___________ up or I will!

The second book sparked her interest and thus writing her own book. If her relationship with God is like a marriage, then they need couples counseling because they aren't getting along. She finds a therapist for her and God whom she describes as being "a short guy in his late fifties with gray hair, buckteeth, and a Hawaiian shirt. . . He looked like Jimmy Buffett imitating a chipmunk." One funny line in the book she describes her christian walk as having been there, done that; I did it all. I've been washed in the blood, slain in the Spirit, I walked through the Bible, I've been baptized - twice. I've done outward cleansing and inner healing. I even went through a therapy program for ex-gays, and I was never gay. Through that insanity, even if pastors hurt me or friends let me down or entire denominations went Shiite on my ass, I still believed God was good - I just needed to find out where God went. Maybe it was a corner of a cathedral or monastery in the desert or a bench on the beach." Her book is an account of her life and the "counseling sessions" between her and God with whom she loves, can't escape and is highly pissed off at.

On a side note, isn't is funny how quick we are to get on our high horse, at least I am. Last week with family, the conversation turned to Michael Jackson. My son sarcastically brings up how much his death has been on TV. First off, besides seeing it on TV at the pizza place, he would have no idea what plays on TV. Since we don't have cable or satellite, we only watch TV when playing a movie on DVD. The family have seriously joked about how ill informed both hubby and I are because we don't watch the news or read the paper.

When my son opened the Michael Jackson door, another chimed in that he didn't get how dramatic they all had to be at the funeral with their big hats and glasses. That was it, my blood was boiling. I broke in with eyes blazing dealing first with my son. "Michael Jackson is one of the biggest stars that has ever been so if his memorial lasts all day and they talk about him for weeks, they should!" My son smarted back, "It's not like he's Elvis or something!" I snapped back, "Elvis died early, his career was cut short. Michael started when he was about your age and lasted over 30 years, you do the math."

Then to finish with the one that really got me going, I said "The big hat and glasses are a culture thing." As my pastor used to joke, when we had a little money, we'd wear it. When we had a little more, we'd drive it and so forth. To hit a little closer home I said, "Some might think you dramatic, with your big truck, big tires and 6ft lift." And with that, the conversation ended as I dismounted my high horse.

Thinking to myself, "how racists can you get? Thank God, I'm here to set them straight." But then something made me think about a friend whom I'm quick to judge. I quickly discounted that as comparing apples to oranges, not the same thing. 1 person is not an entire race, therefore I'm not racist. Then I thought about a friend of a friend who is Asian. I love the one but don't always get the other. I see her differences not as cultural but just plain weird. How about them apples!

As if this blog isn't long enough, here's more food for thought. While hanging out with a friend by the pool, she talked about her church. She says it's a great one and invited me to come try it out. Later the conversation turned to July 4th festivities. She says that her and her husband like to drink. She doesn't invite church people to their 4th of July bash. In fact, she doesn't really hang out with the people at her church for fear of being judged. Isn't that crazy! Shouldn't church be the last place you'd be judged?

Jesus loves me, this I know

2009-07-05T04:41:00.009-05:00

Baby Girl told me that she was going to try real hard to be good so she can get to heaven. She wants to go there with Great Paw Paw, who is close to flying away, and the rest of us when it's our turn to make the trip up yonder. Until a few weeks ago, my reply would have been something like “That’s right, if you’re really good, you will go to heaven too.” After all, the road to heaven is narrow and less traveled while the other way is wide with bumper to bumper traffic.

But instead, my answer was "Like Daddy and I, Jesus loves you, no matter what!" Stealing lines from a video recently emailed to me, I said, "Jesus won’t love you more if you’re real good and won’t love you less if you’re real bad. He loves you no matter what and so do I."

I hope I can live up to that promise.

Before her, I was scared that I couldn’t equally love 2 children. I still don’t know how that will all work out. Obviously, you have your personality and they will have their own. Our likes and dislikes, interests, values and opinions, form who we are. We choose our friends by the things we share in common? The more you have in common, the closer the friend. Actions are a deal breaker though. Loves a two way street, if you don’t make me “feel good", all bets are off at least for a while.

Oh, but family’s a different story, or is it? You can’t choose your family, you’re stuck with what you get. However, you can spend more time, give more help and in the end offer more love to some more than others. These precious few that you find you have more “in common” with will become your favorite aunts, uncles, grandmothers, granddads and cousins. So, how will it be any different with how you love and treat your children?

At church, I learned His love, grace, blessings, and salvation are not based on works, well that and John 3:16. I remember making fun of the Jehovah Witnesses because they'd work so hard for what they can't buy. We use to sing songs, “You can’t get to heaven in roller skates, you’ll roll right by those pearly gates.”

Nope, I know His love is not based on works. But Jesus loves me this I know. . . He will bless you 7 fold, if you tithe and give generous offerings. He’ll give you a ticket to heaven, if you’re baptized in Jesus name among other things. He’ll move mountains if you just have faith. So, on the flip side, if you don’t give He won’t bless, if you’re not dunked, He’ll turn away and if you’re found with doubt, He won’t lift a finger? That kinda sounds like work, a lot of work.

Please God, teach me love my children as (I'm beginning to think and hope) You love me, no matter what.

My Trip to the Farm

2009-06-30T15:31:00.008-05:00

I'm such a jerk! Last Wednesday night while hanging out around the pool with Mom, Dad and Janice, hubby calls to tell me that we have to leave in the morning for Colorado. His grandpa is in the hospital and the doctors are only giving him 24 to 48 hours left to live. We had already planned to go for a visit later in the week but under the circumstances needed to get there ASAP. To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to the trip and although I had nothing planned, I was not at all excited about leaving early.

The thought of his parents, Great Grandma, the kids, hubby and I packed like sardines in my van for 12 hours straight just didn't appeal to me. In fact, I was convinced it would be nothing short of pure torture. And how we were going to get every one's luggage plus Great Grandma's wheelchair in the back would be a feat in itself. Knowing that most of the family would be flying or driving in, I was also worried about the sleeping arrangements. I asked hubby's parents a couple of times if they knew who all were coming and if their house could accommodate everyone. They didn't know and weren't all that concerned. All I could think about was that they'd pretty much be at the hospital around the clock and I'd be stuck with the kids and great grandma at the house. On top of it all, I'm still having stomach issues from Mexico. Needless to say, I was NOT a happy camper.

I asked hubby and grandma a few times "Wouldn't it be better if I stayed home with the kids and great grandma," praying they'd have mercy and let me off the hook. To me it only made sense, the kids would have their toys and I could babysit great grandma in the comforts of my house while they said their goodbyes and made funeral arrangements there. How self-centered can you be?

Last summer, they all went for a visit and had a blast. I didn't go because mom was in the hospital trying to get through her last few radiation treatments. I rationalized it out that with Great Paw Paw on his death bed, this trip would not be the same as the last. No one saw it my way, so I gave up and started packing.

We all piled in the van along with all our stuff Thursday morning and drove straight to Colorado. It really wasn't too bad. The kids watched TV while I started a really good book, Barbara Walters life story Auditions. Listening to the radio sometime that morning, we heard that Farrah had passed away. I couldn't help but worry about Mom and how she would take the news. I checked on the Colon Club to see what they were saying. Like so many, she fought so hard to live. Later that day a couple of hours from Maw Maw's house, we heard that Michael Jackson had passed away. I couldn't believe it!

When we made it to Maw Maw's house, 7 other family members were already there. We loaded up pretty quickly and headed for the hospital. He was in ICU hooked up to a bazillion tubes and wires. He came to when we walked in the room, recognized everyone and carried on a conversation. Even with life support, his breathing was labored. It was hard to watch hubby and his dad standing by his bed. Maw Maw had the doctors keep him hooked up until all the kids could be there. Although it all could be seen in their faces, they only made small talk pretty much about nothing.

That night back at Maw Maw's, we slept on the hideaway bed in the living room giving his parents and Great Grandma the only bedroom left. The kids slept in sleeping bags on the floor. The next morning I felt terrible. Although I slept good, I was still tired and my stomach was really upset which had me in and out of the bathroom. Not wanting to go back to the hospital, hubby and his parents decided we'd go sight seeing. So after driving 12 hours here, we all loaded back into the van to drive up the mountain. We left about mid-morning and with the exception of a couple of bathroom breaks and lunch, we did not get out of the van until we made it back to Maw Maw's around dinner time.

They all love to take drives, I don't! I'd rather fly than drive any day of the week. Anyway, there I sat in the back of the van with the kids winding up the mountain trying to pretend to "sight see" but truthfully getting sicker and sicker with each curve of the road. When we finally made it to the top of the mountain, I literally had to run for the bathroom. Oh and while the temperature was in the 80's at the house, it was raining and barely 40 at the top. We about froze in our shorts and t-shirts. Luckily, I grabbed jackets for me and the kids before we left that morning. Coming down the mountain, I didn't even try and pretend to sight see but put my head in Little Man's lap and fell asleep.

For the first few days, I didn't feel good, stayed grumpy and pretty negative (if only in my mind) about everything from the relatives and their small talk to the huge pile of manure dumped right behind the house. They pretty much have a farm here with cows, pigs, chickens, ducks and a garden. The manure is fertilizer for the garden, why it's dumped right out back rather than down by the garden, I have no idea! The house does not have air conditioning which is no big deal at night but pretty miserable during the heat of the afternoon sun. The windows have to stay open all the time. With the big pile of manure directly behind the house, well you can imagine the smell inside and out. YUCK!

I guess I've not given it much thought but when you are with all your family the conversation usually turns to your past. With my family, that would be music, church, and old friends and family. It's gotta be pretty boring for my husband being that he wasn't raised in church, his taste in music is a far cry from the country, old rock, and church hymns we usually wind up singing and he doesn't know most of the people who end up in our conversations. Now the shoe's on the other foot as I sit watching and listening to them.

After a few days, I started feeling better. I noticed how much fun everyone was having. Paw Paw entertained Baby Girl outside with all the farm animals. Uncle George was a hit with both the kids. Now get this, he's a graduate from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College, where ever that is. His clown face is trademarked so that no one else can wear the makeup like he does. He's also retired after serving 20 years in the Air Force. He entertained Baby Girl off and on this week by singing and playing the guitar to John Denver songs. Little Man was entranced by Uncle George's magic tricks. He even taught Little Man to do a few.

The adults socialized on the patio in front of the manure during the day and played cards at the dinner table each night. The kids, hubby and Paw Paw went to the rodeo. Uncle George's kids flew in from San Francisco on Sunday. His son is a really cool kid. He's 19, loves the outdoors which automatically impressed Baby Girl and loves video games which won Little Man's over. He and Baby Girl caught a little bunny yesterday out front and today Little Man stayed by his side playing DS Gameboys all day. I'm not sure how much fun he is having but he's being a great sport and the kids are having a blast!

And the biggest shocker of all, I'm having fun and would gladly come back. We went shopping in Estes Park (a little resort town an hour from here), enjoyed the sights and didn't get sick while riding back up the mountain (well at least half way), went to the rodeo fair, rode in the side car of Uncle James' motorcycle, and even enjoyed the company of my relatives out in front of the poop pile. Uncle George performed a gob of amazing magic tricks, he's really good. I thought being family and all, he would share some of his secrets with me, NOPE. Sure, he'll teach my son a few but not me.

Yesterday everyone went to the hospital while Baby Girl, Great Grandma and I stayed at the house. Baby Girl watched TV, I grabbed my laptop and Great Grandma dosed in the chair next to me. When she woke up, she insisted on taking a bath. She can't do anything but thinks she can do it all by herself. I told her, "No, you can't take a bath," but she just kept on and on. She kept getting out of the chair and I'd make her sit back down. Finally, I made the chair recline to keep her from getting up. This didn't deter her one bit. Not able to figure out how to push the chair in, she started sliding out of the chair to the floor. Lord, she about tipped the whole thing over on herself. Giving in, I took her to the bathroom, stripped her down, and got her into the shower. Great Paw Paw's chair was in the tub which made it easy. I took the hand held shower head and gave it to her. When I turned my back, she aimed the water right at me. Not only did I get soaked but also the bathroom. My question is this, "Is the joke on me or is she really totally out of her mind?" About that time, everyone returned and Grandma came in the bathroom. She said that she gave her a shower this morning. I explained how determined Great Grandma was to get a shower and get this. With a straight face Great Grandma said, "I didn't want to take a shower." That stinking liar! Like bathing her was at the top of my list that afternoon. Geez!

Great Paw Paw is still hanging in there. Today, they are moving him to hospice and then will take him off everything. The doctor who gave him 24 to 48 hours is now giving him a week at best. Little Man asked to go see him. Reluctantly, I let him go with Daddy and Paw Paw. Great Paw Paw looks pretty bad but I guess it went well because Little Man only had good things to say about the visit.

If nothing changes, we'll head for home tomorrow. Tonight I'm with the guys, the kids and Great Grandma while the rest have gone to the rodeo. Hubby just got grossed out sitting next to Great Grandma. Evidently, she went to the bathroom earlier (not on my watch, I might add) but didn't get her pants up right. With her depends up her butt like a thong and her pants down, he totally got mooned. See what I mean, maybe she's bored and needs a good laugh. Hubby was NOT laughing. But he did laugh when the cow started mooing and I thought it was Great Grandma snoring beside me. While there's no doubt I'm no farm girl, I have enjoyed the visit here.

Great Grandma

2009-06-26T20:25:00.015-05:00

I'm in Colorado listening to Baby Girl run through the house yelling the alarm, "Great Great Grandma, Great Great Grandma is getting up!" I'm in the next room and feel responsible for checking on her but just plain don't want to. More times than not, I try to help Grandma with Great Grandma.

Like tonight after dinner, everyone was sitting around the table talking. Great Grandma can't get up on her own but does anyway and thus falls alot. She started trying to get up from the table wanting to go to the living room. Maybe she wanted to watch TV, have a change of scenery, or like me, had enough of the table talk.

Just before she made her move out of the chair, everyone started talking politics. Lord help us. One asked if we'd heard the North Koreans are going to test their nuclear weapons on us 4th of July. Tribulation is next week and I haven't even got a fallout shelter or rapture beans, beer and Band-Aids ready. Another said that scientists say the year 2012 will be the end of the world or close to it. The moon, sun and earth are gonna line up in a way it's never done before causing all sorts of disasters such as tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, fires, floods and more all at the same time!

All agreed that of course, Obama will not be able to handle it. In fact, rumor has it that Obama wasn't even born in the U.S. but instead in Kenya so by law, he can't be president. Also, he paid people to vote for him, therefore McCain really won. In fact, everyone they know either voted for McCain or didn't vote at all proof the election was rigged. Obama didn't even have money to afford a campaign until that Oprah threw all her money into it, damn her! And you know, both her and Obama are not even Christian but "Mooselums." And worst of all, can you believe that the President of the United States is named Obama, that's just not American!

Yep, that was about the time Great Grandma made her move and I literally jumped at the opportunity to take her anywhere she wanted to go. Her walking is getting really bad. She won't stand straight but instead bends over and shuffles side to side. It almost looks like she's trying to do a jig the way she takes little bounces not actually moving forward just side to side. She reminds me of E.T, she walks just like him. As we shuffled towards the living room, Hubby is standing in the kitchen just watching me struggle with her. I told him to come help, it's his grandma after all. You know he doesn't even seem to feel an ounce of responsibility, so why in the world do I?

Great Grandma has been left in the living room while everyone else hangs out on the back patio. Thinking she's missing out on fun, Great Grandma tries to get up and is busted by Grandma. Grandma's stress level is climbing so I give in and go see if I can help. I wish I could say my motives are completely genuine stemming from a feeling of responsibility and need to help Grandma but in all actuality, tonight I helped out of guilt for not being social. Maybe they won't think I'm a total snob and computer addict if I help with Great Grandma so they can continue their discussion outside.

Sitting with Great Grandma, she asks where her husband, Stephen, is? Her husband has been dead for over 40 years but trying to move past the subject I just say he's home. It's not quite the truth but it's not totally a lie, he's hopefully in his heavenly home, right? Besides if I can get her off subject, she won't remember in a few short minutes. Hubby comes in to help. He tells her "Grandma, he's dead and has been dead for over 40 years!" She's upset and thinks everyone is lying to her. Now, Grandma comes in upset as well and begins yelling.

The fact is Great Grandma is not in her familiar surrounding and just wants to go home and back to her normal routine. So sad, her mind is totally gone. The other day when talking to grandma, she was saying that getting all her doctors and medicaid lined out has been a struggle. Great Grandma has lived with hubby's parents for 4 years. She's been sick on and off, was taken to the doctor for medicine and got better. She takes all sorts of pills each morning to stay "healthy."

With all the medical advancements in medicine and technology, doctors keep bodies alive long after the mind is gone. Grandma is concerned about keeping Great Grandma healthy but tonight in frustration said, oh the party she's gonna throw when Great Grandma passes. I know it sounds terrible but literally Great Grandma can't do anything therefore Grandma does it all. She can't walk, bathe herself, wipe her butt, feed herself, get dressed, she can't do anything! Grandma and Paw Paw get so frustrated with her. I get aggravated too the few times I watch her.

Last night around 3am, Great Grandma tried to get in bed with me and hubby. She somehow managed to get out of bed, go to the bathroom and shuffle without falling to the living room where we slept on the hideaway. I took her back to the bed she's sharing with Grandma and Baby Girl. Paw Paw is on an air mattress on the floor. I then went to the bathroom and stepped in a puddle of pee around the toilet. As she's done before, she didn't pull her depends and pants down far enough so when she peed, it went everywhere. I went back to their room, informed Grandma of the incident and to check Great Grandma's pj's which are soaked and then began a search through the house for bathroom cleaner. I got it cleaned and made it back to bed where my husband snores oblivious to all the excitement.

I didn't know her before she lost her mind so I don't have any history or connection with her. I use to think it would make a difference but now I'm not so sure. It doesn't seem to make a difference with the rest.

Protective or Paranoid

2009-06-24T09:10:00.012-05:00

There's a fine line between protective and paranoid when it comes to your kids. Baby Girl wanted to play with a little girl from school this summer. This girl's mom does not come to school functions so I haven't had the opportunity to get to know her like some other moms. However, her daughter seems nice enough so before the school year ended, I got their phone number.

I called last week and invited the little girl over to swim. I hoped her mom would hang out too so I could get to know her, but no such luck. She dropped her daughter off and left. When I took the little girl home, her and her husband invited Baby Girl to spend the night. I made up some lame excuse and said maybe next time. Baby Girl was furious! The mom said to give her a call and next time the girls could play at her house.

Yesterday, after listening to my daughter beg for hours, I called the mom and set up a play date. I should have stayed and took the opportunity to get to know her but I was suppose to meet Grandma. After only a few minutes and making sure that she had my cell number, I left. Like the great mom that I am, at Grandma's I left my phone in the car. When I made it back to the car, I noticed that I had missed a call from her almost an hour earlier, Yikes. My heart picked up speed as I called her back. It was not an emergency but . . .

She informed me that the girls wanted to go swimming and she was calling to get my approval. Since she couldn't reach me, she went ahead and let the girls go. Okay, here's the kicker. Her 18 year old daughter and a friend took my six year old to a public pool in the city. In shock, I was like "Oh, okay?" and got off the phone with her. Kicking myself for not having my phone on me and freaking out that my daughter is with an 18 year old somewhere in town, I began driving home.

While in route, I called my husband who got onto me for not having my phone but said don't over-react, she's fine. As I got closer to home, I began to panic. I called a couple of friends who said listen to your gut instinct and go get her. So a half a mile from home, I turned the car around and flew into the city as fast as possible.

Husband said that if you let the kids go to some one's house than you must trust their judgment otherwise you don't let them go. There are friends whom I trust and wouldn't think anything about Baby Girl going to town with or without my knowing but for starters, they are NOT 18 years old. I left Baby Girl in the Mom's supervision, not the 18 year old's. We don't even have teenagers, or single people for that matter, watch our kids. If family or close family friends can't babysit, we don't go. And as far as yesterday goes, if the girls were at my house wanting to go here or there and I couldn't reach a parent, the answer would have been NO!

All the way to the pool, I was thinking of the top three things that could go wrong.

1. Car Wreck - I know how I drove at 18.

2. Intentions - What are the teenagers talking about, are they meeting boys? (Once upon a time I had a teenage step sister who I don't keep in touch with now. I would tag along as she went out with friends and boyfriends. Needless to say, I got an earful and eyeful before I was ready)

3. Supervision - Are they watching the girls? Baby Girl is an awesome swimmer so that's not so much my concern as someone taking her. Kids are abducted if not every day at least each week where we live. Our city has the Amber Alert signs on the interstates coming in and out of the city. I don't think of myself as a fearful parent and the kids even play unsupervised out front but regardless it stays in the back of my mind.

I made it to the pool and spotted Baby Girl with friends playing in the shallow end. I walked over and squatted down to talk to her. The scary, wild teenager came forward and politely introduced herself. She was in the pool directly behind the girls. Everything was fine. She appeared very responsible, there weren't any boys or wild friends hanging around and Baby Girl and her friends were having a blast.

I took Baby Girl home with me anyway. She wasn't as upset as I thought she'd be. I called the mom again with a lame excuse of why I had to pick Baby Girl up. I will invite the little girl over to play at my house but for now, will not let her go back over there. At least, not until I get to know her mom. Lesson learned if only for my peace of mind and sanity, my kids will not go to some one's house if I haven't got much passed introduction with the parent.

I texted my best friend last night and said hubby thinks I over-react, ya think? She texted me back and said, "You're a little overprotective and that's ok, I am too! There should be more moms like us." I agree, sister. As a concellation, I let Baby Girl spend the night with Grandma last night. She was happy.

Off the subject, Little Man about talked my ear off last night. The subject turned to a story that he'd seen on the news at Grandma's house. With a serious face, he said a drunk driver hit some people riding their bikes on the elbow of the road. I laughed so hard I couldn't talk for several minutes. After such a stressful afternoon, that was perfect. Not knowing what was so funny, I explained to him it's the shoulder not elbow of the road.

Gift from Mexico

2009-06-20T00:50:00.007-05:00

I have NOT spoken much to the other two couples who went to Mexico with us. I have NOT done much of anything this week. Honestly, I feel like crap. Serves me right for such immoral, irresponsible, immature behavior. I complained some to my husband of stomach issues but would NOT whine to my friends who had to put up with my drunk, stupid ass in Mexico.

We met my husband's parents and one of the above couples for dinner tonight. She brought up that they both had not felt well this week. She went on to describe the same symptoms I had. I called the other couple after dinner to find that both she and her husband have also had the same symptoms all week long.

On the way home, I did NOT go to the minor emergency. The nurse did NOT ask if I might be pregnant, God Forbid. I told her, "NO chance, my husband is fixed." She did NOT proceed to tell me that a former patient had it done, his grew back and his wife ended up pregnant. Wondering why the hell she's telling me all this, I reply, "Well, as on most vacations, I had my period and besides if I'm pregnant, so are 5 others who went with me, 3 of which are men!"

The doctor did NOT come in the examining room, listen to my symptoms of stomach and bathroom issues and ask, "Did you use any protection?" With an "OH MY GOD" look on my face, I whispered, "Uh, my husband is fixed. I think we are (Gulp) protected." He gave me a weird look and said, "Did you take any medication before traveling to prevent sickness?" Of course that's what he meant, how embarrassing! But What would you have thought if asked that same question?

My friends and I do NOT suffer from Montezuma's Revenge! I do NOT have to fast a couple of days only drinking clear liquids and take antibiotic to get better. Well I guess, there's the proof . . .

I went to Mexico after all.

I did NOT . . .

2009-06-18T19:49:00.029-05:00

A friend in the blogging world will sometimes write posts simply titled, "I did NOT . . ." I love reading these posts and think it's the best way to blog about certain events that did NOT take place on my trip to Mexico.

I'm not sure I really even went to Mexico but if I did I most certainly did NOT spend 8 days and nights in a beautiful villa in Puerta Vallarta living the lifestyles of the rich and famous where the likes of Mel Gibson, Vin Diesl and Wynnona Ryder stayed. I'm sure it's just all an incredible dream. I did NOT sleep in the same bed as the gorgeous Vin Diesl and speaking of dreams (no worries honey), I definitely did NOT even once have a dream about that Fast and Furious Heart-throb.

I did NOT have breakfast with fresh fruit, eggs, toast, bacon and fresh squeezed orange juice served to me each morning and a beautiful dinner cooked for me each night. I did NOT have a personal waiter whose sole purpose was to continually bring me Mango Margaritas, chips, salsa and guacamole while I sunbathed next to a gorgeous infinity pool overlooking the ocean and scenic rocks of Bandaras Bay. Like that's NOT hard enough to imagine, but even more ridiculous, NOT having any dirty dishes, loads of laundry or house to clean for an entire week, are you kidding me? If I truly went there, I'd not only remember but never come back, I'm NOT stupid, you know!

I did NOT get drunk after several margaritas and a couple of shots of tequila on the beach in Mismaloya and pay good, hard-earned pesos for temporary works of body art commonly referred to as tattoos. So,how ink stains got on my bikini, why a butterfly flutters above the crack of my butt, why a little frog is stretched out sunning near the top of my shoulder or, what the heck, an ugly bug-eyed toad is doing squatting on the fat part of my gut, I just don't know . . . but I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.

I did NOT get sun poisoning within the first 2 days there and have bumps resembling acne covering my chest for the remainder of the trip. I am now NOT peeling and looking like a cross between a lizard and a leper. And those crazy acne looking bumps have NOT migrated north to my face making me a prime candidate for Pro-Active. Trust me, it's so very attractive!

I did NOT have multiple massages on the beach for $25.00 per hour, get real. If that were the case, I'd still be on that Mexican Beach. There'd also be some kind of lasting side effects from numerous "spa treatments." For instance, I'd be relaxed this peaceful evening sipping a glass of tea oblivious to my dog barking and my kids screaming, whining and fighting around me instead of with tension in my neck and shoulders, pounding in my head, and the paddle in my hand demanding silence or else, So Help Me . . . Some One's Gonna Get Hurt!!!!!

I did NOT enjoy Puerta Vallartan Art and Sculptures and even pose with said displays. Let's face it, the only art I've enjoyed over the past few years have been crayon masterpieces drawn by chubby, little orange Cheetos' covered fingers and art designs created from macaroni noodles, various colored pipe cleaners and cotton balls. I could NOT have leisurely strolled from shop to shop for days on end. The highlight of my shopping experience most generally takes place at Walmart, Target or Sam's. Besides, for any leisurely shopping to have occured, I would have been without kids, yeah right!

I did NOT para-sail high above a remote beach, zip line through a dense jungle, hold a slimy jellyfish, pet a crocodile, sorta smoke a cigar (of course like Clinton, I did NOT inhale), snorkel around a reef with schools of fish surrounding me or relax in a boat while watching a herd of dolphins jump all around. That could NOT have been me because the extent of my adventures nowadays center around running errands with the kids, cooking for family functions and wiping Great Grandma's Butt. Besides as a Mom, I must always maintain the epitome of all things cautious, responsible and sensible, as seen from the minivan I drive to the clothes I wear.

Okay, so all the did NOTS have so far been fairly mild. Beware, the following is Rated R for Mature Audiences containing questionable content including brief nudity, an extreme lack of morals, and over-indulgence of alcohol. Turn Back Now or forever hold your peace.

I did NOT do 3 shots of Tequila after drinking a couple of loaded Margaritas the last night in Puerta Vallarta. I did NOT repeatedly dance with our waiter at the restaurant who, I might say, looked just like a young Mel Gibson only Mexican.

I should soooo stop at this point but here's a few more things I totally did NOT do.

I, with my best friend, did NOT moon my husband, friends and driver in the taxi behind us on the way up to our villa. That taxi driver did NOT flash his bright lights and lay on his horn in appreciation of the show. I did NOT invite the taxi driver inside to swim, (good thing he knew little English) and was NOT so drunk that I couldn't walk but had to be carried like a sack of potatoes from the taxi into the villa. I was NOT embarrassed of my actions and did NOT swear to NEVER do tequila shots ever, EVER Again!

I am now NOT depressed, I am NOT going through a mid life crisis and have NOT spent the last few days looking on-line for houses for sale in Puerta Vallarta. This afternoon, I did NOT give my husband the go ahead to put our house up for sale, declaring I would seriously move if he wanted to. I am NOT really considering home-schooling my kids, that would be cruel and unusual punishment for all parties included! I am NOT truly planning on deserting my life here stateside with all it's stress and worry from the daily grind and rat race for the promise of a better life in Mexico, now that would be crazy!

By the way, if you haven't already, go see the movie, "UP" it's awesome!

How Would You Introduce Jesus?

2009-06-16T19:18:00.010-05:00

Dad forwarded this email to me. I've now watched it several times. It's awesome! It's Steve Harvey, the comedian, at the end of his comedy routine. The subject is: "How Would You Introduce Christ to a Room Full of People?"
For a moment, you'll forget he's a comedian and not a preacher, and
this is an audience and not a congregation. It's really powerful, check it out! It's at the very bottom of my blog. (You'll have to stop my music to hear him)

Another Day in Paradise

2009-06-06T09:49:00.011-05:00

This is the life. I swear, I could get use to this. We've had breakfast made for us each morning. Maria, our cook, is awesome. She's made huevos rancheros, french toast and a huge bowl of bacon and fresh fruit. All of it is sooo good, but I pretty much concentrate on the Kiwi, Strawberries, Bananas and Pineapple. Oh, and the fresh squeezed orange juice will totally spoil you too.

We've spent the days on the beach drinking margaritas and eating chips, guacamole and salsa. Friday afternoon, Sam saw the ocean for the first time and together we stuck our feet in officially kicking off the week of fun. Saturday and Sunday, we stayed on the beach in Mesmolya which is just down from our villa. Ramone was our beach bartender last time we were in Puerta Vallarta. He's not there anymore so we found a new bartender or I should say, she found us. Brenda took us to Margaritaville with Mango and Strawberry Margaritas and even a couple shots of Tequila. Sunday, yo estoy muey borracho. How drunk was I, you ask? I'm not sure. I didn't throw up or pass out, but I did pick up a jellyfish (luckily it didn't sting me) and took a picture with an iguana on my head. (I'll post that pic later) Sam and I had massages on the beach (totally awesome and priced right at $25.00 per hour), got a couple of tattoos (it's a real beauty . . . how it got here I haven't a clue) and all in all had the time of our life.

Today, Brenda and her husband took us south of Mesmoyla by boat. They have a fishing boat with the motor at the back which you use to steer. We started the day snorkeling at the big rocks directly across from our villa. Hubby pulled some hermit crabs off a reef for me to see. One was in a purple looking shell, it was so pretty. Afterwards, we headed south for Yulapa. About halfway there, we ran into a school of dolphin. There's no telling how many there were but I'm not kidding, they were jumping out of the water all around us. They even swam next to the boat for a while. I could have reached out and touched them, they were so close.

Both Sam and I agree, the beaches south of Mesmoyla are awesome. There's no road, you must travel by boat to get there. Those beaches have better sand (Mesmoyla is rockier) and the water is crystal clear with a shade of aqua near the shore and a deep blue further out. Hubby and I para-sailed at one of the beaches. It was exhilarating soaring like a bird over the beach and ocean. Everyone on shore looked like ants. It was a little scary coming in for the landing because for a moment you are directly over the huts on the beach rather than the ocean.

We've hit town to shop and hang out several evenings as well. Some nights we took a taxi but the last couple of times, we rode the bus. I'd say both are equally interesting. All of the taxi drivers here could qualify in Nascar races, no lie. They zoom up and down the streets like their being chased by the Road Runner. The bus drivers are just as fearless. Even though their mode of transportation can't go as fast as the taxi's, they push it to the limit and amazingly cut through the crowded streets of Puerta Vallarta with only inches to spare from cars, street signs and pedestrians. I love to watch, listen and sometimes even talk to the locals. My Spanish is pretty weak but it's fun trying anyway. Tonight, we ate at my parents favorite restaurant, Daiquiri Dick's. The menu has changed from the last time we were there, but it is still good.

After breakfast tomorrow, we'll go back to the beach for the majority of the day. We are going on the zip line tour in the jungle on Wednesday and plan to do the Rhythms of the Night Boat Cruise later this week.

Puerta Vallarta

2009-06-06T00:38:00.006-05:00

Hola, from beautiful Puerta Vallarta! It's almost 1am, everyone is asleep and I'm stretched out on the sectional in the living room. The front side of this room is completely open with the infinity pool and ocean in perfect view, couldn't get away with this at home, we'd be attacked by June Bugs and Mosquitos. The waves are crashing into the rocks below like soft music playing as I type on my laptop. I can see the shadows from the alter of rocks emerging from the ocean with soft lights of the city way off in the distance. There's a dive boat that's been puttering around for the last hour. I watched the diver's flashlights cutting through the water from our room's balcony for the last hour. Year's ago, I scuba dived in Florida during the day but never at night.

We arrived here just after lunch today. I had major anxiety the first time I experienced the airport here. I wasn't expecting that reaction, but the realization of being in a foreign country away from the security of home hit me hard. Just before we landed then as today, the flight attendants brought around papers for us to complete before going through customs. Three years ago, we did not pull directly to a concourse but unloaded by taking the stairs down onto the runway. All the passengers were crammed onto an old bus like sardines. There weren't any seats just poles here and there for us to cling to. All the windows were down, there wasn't any air conditioning. When the bus pulled up in front of the airport, we all were marched off and herded into the building. Customs was weird. Everyone standing in line nervously waiting for those in uniforms to inspect our passports and documents to decide if we can continue on. our journey.

This time was different. I must admit, I was a little disappointed. I wanted our friends with us to have that same experience. I'm not sure why, maybe so I could sit back and watch their reactions as first timers. As any other airport you've been in, today the plane pulled up to a newly built concourse. Different from last time, there was a nurse standing with a thermometer checking each passengers temperature before allowing them access to customs. I guess remnants of the Swine Flu. None of us had fever and were permitted on through customs, we found the baggage claim and then the real fun began. As we searched for the van sent from our villa, we were bombarded by what seemed like hundreds of people offering to "help" with our luggage and offer taxi rides but mostly trying to sell time shares. These people have the high pressure, hard sell down to a tee. But I've been here, done that so we said "No" firmly and kept moving till we found our guy.

As we got into his van, he offered us beer and water from the cooler. The guys took him up on the Mexican beer and the girls the water. Ron was a little nervous about drinking the beer while sitting in the front seat rolling down the road with open container law in the back of his mind. He felt the urge to hide it between his legs when not drinking. We drove away from the airport, passed some big resorts, into the newer and then older part of downtown cruising on cobblestone streets and finally up toward our villa in Mismaloya. The villa we stayed in three years ago (Casa de los lomas) was awesome but this one is just incredible. I can't even begin to describe it, pictures are best. Our villa is called Casa Azul Profundo. Check out their site; http://www.casaazulprofundo.com/principal.htm

We met the host, the maid and then as I was entering the kitchen hubby grabbed my arm and said, "Look, it's Maria!" I couldn't believe it, our cook from the villa three years ago will be our cook this week. She remembered us from the time before and gave us great big hugs. How cool is that!

There's so much more I want to say but it's 2am and breakfast is at 9am. Tomorrow is Ron's birthday. I think it's safe to say, it'll be one of the best birthdays EVER! More later. . .

Ode to Melancholy

2009-06-04T00:00:00.012-05:00

When pulling up my blog, Carlton Pearson started singing. I wish I could go back to those Higher Dimensions days if not but for 1 service. What an amazing church, probably won't ever be another like it. It's kinda sad, I think I attended the best church of my life as a teenager. I totally dug the praise and worship but unfortunately tuned out for most of his sermons and when I was listening, I was too young and dumb to get even half of his jokes. The memories I do have are great. Now those days, just like that song, is gone and Rod Stewart is singing "You're in my heart." Gotta love the irony.

Tonight, Little Man watched the new James Bond movie with daddy while I painted Baby Girl's nails a glittery purple color that she picked out at Walmart. I stink at painting nails I guess due to lack of experience. I've bit my nails for the majority of my life. As I painted trying desperately to smooth out the clumps at the tips of her nails, she offered encouragement by saying "You're doing really good, alot better than last time." Ouch. After I finished her sloppy manicure and pedicure, I started making cookies, I'm great with the kind that you just pull apart, stick on a tray and slide in the oven. When Little Man saw the package on the counter he said, "You're making cookies at 11:06 at night, you're the best mom EVER!" I needed that! I packed there clothes to go to grandparents tomorrow. Daddy and I will finish packing our stuff and leave on Friday for Mexico. Loretta Lynn is now singing. I remember every time she'd come on the radio when I was young, Dad would excitedly chime in "Get Back, Loretta!" I'm not sure why?

I took dinner tonight to a friend from church. She's had all sorts of painful health issues. Right now, fibermalagia causes most of her pain. She brought dinner to Mom a couple of times last summer. At that time, Mom was in alot of pain but refusing to take her pain meds like she should. Wren was able to talk and connect with Mom concerning it all better than anyone. She's such a wonderful person. God, I pray the treatment she's receiving works so she can get back to living life.

Now, Heidi Newfield is singing Johnny and June. Man, Hubby and I really need this time away together. You know, there's times when we are more perfect together than Johnny and June and then there' s the other times when we don't see anything eye to eye and struggle around every turn. I'm sure its nothing a few hours on the beach with friends and couple of margaritas can't fix.

Well now it's 12:46, Ray Charles is singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," the low battery light on my laptop is blinking and I'm dosing.

Not Just Sports

2009-06-02T00:39:00.004-05:00

Growing up, I played ball. What I lacked in natural ability, I like to think I made up with in heart. Still all those basketball, softball, volleyball and even football games compares nothing to watching Baby Girl play, that tops it all.

In talking with friends tonight as our kids roasted marshmallows for smores (Baby Girl kept calling them snores) around a campfire, he said that he never could imagine one of his kids not being athletic. He got a athletic scholarship in college and now is a coach. His wife also got a athletic scholarship and is still active today. How would either one of them enjoy or even relate to a non athletic child?

Welp, they got the chance to answer that question after the birth of their first child. The second child is a natural athlete but not the first. Shocking him, he quickly learned that he would feel no difference between the two. He loves watching one excel in sports but feels the same pride and adrenaline rush when watching his first performing in musicals and plays.

I know exactly how he feels. Baby Girl is a natural born athlete. She's so much fun to watch when playing basketball and softball. I'm hoping to get her into tennis this summer and maybe gymnastics at some point. Little Man is on the other end of the spectrum. He's not athletic, competitive or physical. But when he won the Spelling Bee this year, well it was every bit as exciting as the best game Baby Girl ever played. When he got 1st in the Science Fair, I was beyond proud as when Baby Girl hit her home run at the end of the season.

Although there aren't competitions for building (or none that I know of), when Little Man builds with his Lego's, hot wheels tracks and Knex stuff, it's amazing. He spends hours creating in his room scrutinizing over each piece. He can follow manuals to a tee to create all sorts of creatures and machines. Then, he can turn around and create something equally as cool straight from his imagination. I'm astonished with both. I couldn't do anything like that on my own or by following directions. He also loves to write and can draw like you wouldn't believe.

While he's not naturally athletic, he loves the comradery of being on a team. Right now, the only team activities offered centers around sports. But in the future, I can so see him doing academic bowls, debate teams, in book clubs and participating in a science clubs. Maybe he'll be one of those science kids on the David Letterman Show. Dad mentioned that he might try golf. It's a team sport but is not physical but extremely mental. I'm thinking about putting him a summer program like Hook a Kid on Golf which teaches him the basics of the game and he'll walk away with his own clubs, golf bag and such.

I know those activities are not nearly as popular as sports, but for me, there's no difference. I watch the softball championship and dream of Baby Girl there one day. When I see Little Man lost in a world of Lego's, I dream of him as an engineer or architect. It's funny, after he won the Spelling Bee, he mentioned that he thinks it increased his popularity, maybe kids, like me, are beginning to appreciate things other than just sports, at least for a few days.

I Love

2009-05-29T00:21:00.026-05:00

i love this book. I just finished reading The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. Oh my gosh, it was awesome. I loved the movie but love the book even more. Books like that really make me want to write.

I love my playlist. When working at my desk, I listen to the songs on my blog. My husband does not love my music so much but suffers through the songs anyway. I didn't realize the kids listened but the other day I was watching Baby Girl play on the swing set. She was singing Carlton Pearson's song, Catch on Fire. Her version was . . . "I wish somebody's pants (instead of soul)would Catch on Fire, Catch on Fire, Catch on Fire . . ." She had me cracking up.

I love BlogPatrol that keeps track of the number of visitors to my site. It also gives cool info like most visited post, the time of day visited, search engines used to find blog and more. So far this week, I've had 19 people visit from the U.S., 1 person from Iceland and 1 from India. Can you believe it? I've been googled this week with the following keywords; boobshubby, domeboro sitz bath, alvelox, tball games, poem - t ball coach, shawndra turner colon cancer, and ideas for tball awards. I couldn't believe it so I googled boobshubby and sure enough on the 2nd page, there I was.

I love coaching, who knew? We are having a team pool party tomorrow night to celebrate a great season. All the parents chipped in and bought each girl a trophy, they're gonna be so surprised. At our last practice, we had a team vs parents and siblings scrimage. It was so much fun. Hubby usually has short hair but has been letting it grow out for a while. When one of the girls got to practice, she looked up at hubby and told him he looked like Elvis. It was so funny, I about wet my pants. The last few games were awesome! The girls actually beat that 2nd year team (the only one we lost to) from earlier in the season. One of the parents from their team teased before the game, "You want us to spot ya 10. They weren't in a mood to joke at the end of the game. (ha ha ha) And on the last day of games we played the team I pulled Baby Girl from. We totally skunked them and with bases loaded, Baby Girl hit her first homerun. I know I should grow up and not gloat, but what would be the fun in that?

I love my funny kids. Tonight while making dinner, I overheard Little Man and his best friend talking in the bedroom. Best Friend informed Little Man, "I'm getting more hair on my arms." So funny, I love it. Little Man thinks he needs to start lifting weights because he's so skinny. Baby Girl has asked me, "When am I going to lose my teeth? Everyone in my class have already lost teeth, it's not fair." I told her that most people I know want to keep their teeth not lose them. Go figure. A couple of weeks ago while shopping at Walmart, Baby Girl and Little Man decided they needed deodorient. Baby Girl picked out a strawberry scent and Little Man got his Dad's brand. Hubby rolled his eyes when they came home with it and said unless they apply it to their head, it won't do any good. My kids obviously don't have armpit odor but when playing outside their heads sweat and stink. I've actually thought about rubbing some on their heads to see if it would work.

I love Little Man's journal. This year his teacher had the class journal each day. Some days she gave a prompt, other days she let them write about anything. While I assume most kids, gave the minimum response each day, Little Man's entries were interesting, witty, well thought out, and wonderfully written. (I just don't know where he gets it :-) Beware, I put more than I should in this blog. I just couldn't decide which entries to include, I love them all;

A healthy breakfast gets your day off to a good start. Describe your perfect breakfast. What I eat for breakfast is choclate cireal. Sometimes I eat donuts. Oh and sometimes I eat pizza! (What a terrible mother, Oh the guilt)

If you could be any person in your family for a day who would it be? I would be my dad. becuse I love his truck, and he is a good person that's why. Why I would not be my mom is becuase I don't want to be a girl. (not sure how I feel with that response)

My sister is mean. This morning she slamed my head aginst the car door in the school parking lot!!! But she's the best I could have. But still I love her. But she can be nice in a while. but still she is mean. (I remember hitting my brother over the head with my metal strawberry shortcake lunchbox while waiting for the school bus, poor poor brother. I wonder if he thinks I'm the best he could have?)

I have the best teacher in the hole wide world. She's the best teacher anyone could have. she is so cool! I really like her. She gives us the funest work. She is a really wonderful asome exalent teacher! (I agree 100%)

Yesterday I was not felling good. I had a headeake. I felt like I could throwup. I felt so bad. i went to my nanas and grandpas. I felt worse every minite. I did not throwup, I'm lucky. (he gets headaches often, sometimes I wonder if they are migranes. I pretty much can't leave the house without children's motrin)

Election day was yesterday. Write 5 qualities a leader should have. He should be pastin't. He should not lie. He should be nice. He needs to be smart. He should be a Replublacon. (Oh brother, hubby has brainwashed him, I have my work cut out for me)

If I were president, I would lower gas prises. I'd love to have two dogs. I would play basketball too. I'd like to be president.

What I'm doing this weekend. I'm hoping our dog, Daisy Mae can come home. She might be ready this weekend. We have already bought her toys and stuf. It'll be awesome. She is the cutest thing ever! Are dog is a buldog. I can't belleve it. Oh, and its hard when you just look at there dog house and there not there, or your used to them being there when you all alone. Once I was looking at his dog house and I started cring. (My baby, I know he misses Skylar but he didn't tell me the dog house upset him) I'll always remember him. Dogs are awesome! (Next page) I can't wait!!! I think a buldog would be a cool dog to have. She is a very cute dog so my dad wants to call her Daizy. I like that name.

I can't wait till the spelling be. I should win becuase I studied so hard. I took hours out of my day. (so did your Mom) I didn't play video games once. (neither did I) All I did is study. (me too)

I WON THE SPELLING BE!!! The last two people where me and Cody. I think Cody should be the runner up. He was the runner up. It was fun. (Some crazee lady in the audience whooped and hollered like we won the Super Bowl embarrasing the crap out of her husband, and then texted everyone she knew)

Mexico is an awsome place! I really want to go. My parents say its there get away from kids. (Yep and we're leaving in a little over a week - cue choir: Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah) I've went to 12 different places and there all bin in the United States. It would be fun to go there. All together it cost about $3000. For one person its 500. Its to much. But I still want to go. My parents say you can't go till your grown up and you can pay for it. do you want to.

St. Patrick's Day is next week. Tell me 10 things you would like to find at the end of the rainbow. Some gold, popcorn, Geany, a ps3. Also a thing that can make me invisible, bean burito, a art museum. Also, no school, free gas and $1000,000! Thats it! Ow and go to Mexico free! (Where does he get this stuff, crazy I tell ya!)

My sister did good! I'm talking about the Basketball game. She made a basket. she did awsome! Im proud of her. (such a good brother)

Once I got my toncles cut out. First, I got some weird medacation that made me sleepy and funny. It didn't make me fall asleep. So I went into the place wear I get my toncles cut out. They had to give me laghy gas, it was the weirdest thing in my life. I laghed and laghed and saw a bright light and passed oout. When I awoke, my mom and dad were standing in front of me. When it was the first day of having my toncles cut out. I took medication that made me throw up, it didn't work. but the next day I could eat chetoes. (He didn't want ice cream, only cheetos. I would have given him the moon on a silver platter if it made him feel better)

My mom is coaching teeball! Shes realy good at it. (yes I am) I cant belive she wanted to. shes makeing the team improve. Shes a awsome coach.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T02:36:00.005-05:00

A couple of year's ago. I read two awesome blogs on Mother's Day. Check them out . . .

http://crazedmommyofthree.blogspot.com/2006/05/mothers-day-fact-or-fiction.html

http://crazedmommyofthree.blogspot.com/2006/05/happy-frickin-mothers-day.html

Supermom doesn't blog much anymore now that she's a busy college student mama. While I've always been a Supermom WannaBe, she's the real deal. She introduced me to blogging over two years ago probably saving me a ton in therapy.

Today, a friend in blogdom sent me this:

http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=kCo6R1j3KtE9YpY4AmlhxDEwNzIzMQ--&referred_by=11839075-7OID4jx&p=moveon

Barbara, thank you so much for thinking of me. I loved it!

Happy Mother's Day!

Tball Games

2009-05-09T15:13:00.019-05:00

Well, my team lost a game today. We are 1 of 7 teams in our league. We've played and beat all the other teams except one. Unlike us, they are a 2nd year team and it shows. We lost the first game of the season to them and then again today. Losing stinks :-(

In our league, whoever gets the coin toss to bat first has the advantage because they not only get to bat first but also last due to the 60 minute time limit rule. We were hoping to win the toss, but no such luck (not sure it would have made a difference today) Our girls had a great 1st inning. Usually tball games are high scoring because teams don't get outs. Innings end with a team reaching their 6 run limit not by getting 3 outs. Anyway, the 1st inning our girls grabbed 3 outs, stopping them with only 4 runs. We batted and scored 6 runs and therefore were up by 2. You could tell by their coaches reactions, they weren't use to losing.

For whatever reason, we fell apart after that inning and lost the game. Our girls played the rest of the game in tears showing that we haven't had much experience with losing either. It was not fun. Encouragement and pep talks didn't help. Hubby thinks we should have won the game, that the girls just gave up. I think we are an awesome 1st year team, but they had experience on their side.

We won the second game, no problem. I knew we would, we beat them the time before 22 to 5. After the first inning, Hubby knew I was gonna move the girls around to give all a chance to shine. I mean, it is the whole reason I pulled Baby Girl off that first team. How can I, with a clear conscious, do that to someone else's kid? He doesn't agree and said it would be better to keep our strong girls in the same positions so we can whoop it on the Bad News Bears as paybacks for the other team beating us. Don't get me wrong, I love my husbands fierce intensity. I would hate to be married to someone who didn't give a rip. Right or wrong, he ain't no girly man. I understand his competitive nature, I'm extremely competitive too. But I guess, the mom in me now keeps the competitiveness in check, at least sometimes.

When looking for tball ideas online, I came across a coach who awards a "game ball" after each game. It's not the actual game ball but I don't think our girls know that. Anyway, I buy a ball and after each game regardless if we win or lose, the coaches and I decide who gets it based on the performance of the girls not awarded yet. We write the team name (RZR's), the girl's name and the game number on the ball. The girls go nuts at the end of the game waiting to see who won the game ball.

Our team clown, who is usually found in the outfield drawing circles in the grass, played 3rd base some that last game. You should have seen her face the first time she grabbed a ball and got an out at 3rd base, talk about priceless. She made several more outs and won the game ball with her family there cheering her on.

Although we lost the first game, the game ball went to a girl who started this year terrified of the ball. When you threw it to her, she'd use her glove as a hard hat and duck for cover. She still does at times. After the 1st inning, the other team quit hitting towards our 3rd baseman and shortstop because they were getting outs. Instead, they hit on the other side of the field singling out my terrified one. She somehow swallowed her fear and stopped every ball that was hit her direction and there were alot. Although she wasn't able to turn them into outs, she didn't let even one ball get past her, what an accomplishment! I guess, she never expected to win a game ball because pure shock is the only way to describe her reaction.

While some parents including myself didn't leave the ball field quite as chipper as the other Saturdays when we won, the girls left happy and smiling.

Children's Church

2009-05-08T09:09:00.012-05:00

Last Sunday, I woke up in a mood not a great start for Sunday morning.

Running late as usual, I jumped in the shower, grabbed my robe and checked on the kids in all about 5 minutes. You would not believe the mess in Baby Girl's room. I swear, it looked like they had every toy from Her bedroom, Little Man as well as the Entire Neighborhood in heaps on her floor. Noting I need to go through their toys, I yelled "You have 10 minutes to get it cleaned up" as I picked out clothes for church. Now, I knew there was no way possible to have it all cleaned up that fast but I was hoping for at least halfway. It's crazy, my kids can literally destroy a room in a second without so much as an argument, but take eternity to clean it up fighting every step of the way. "He's not cleaning up . . . She's too slow . . . He's not doing it right . . . and on and on it goes!

I was dressed, makeup on and ready to walk out the door a short 10 minutes later. The kids are fighting still in pjs surrounded by toys. Giving up on a clean room, I had them dress, brush their teeth and hair as we bolt for the door. I had to stop by Walmart to pick up glue sticks for Children's Church and donuts for my kids showing some mercy . . . starvation might be just a little extreme.

I can waltz in and out of Walmart in minutes but not when I'm running late, teaching Children's Church and in a bad mood. I entered through Lawn and Garden thinking it would be faster but at checkout, the cashier was MIA. After a few minutes, I along with a few other customers gave up and headed for the front of the store. It was like a Nascar Race. We were walking in full out sprints, cutting each other off at the pass, trying to be the first to the front checkout. With my purchase, I headed back to the garden department, contemplating giving the now present cashier the bird as I headed out of the store. Unlike Sam's, Walmart rarely stops to inspect your bag and receipt but I guess the doorman thought I was trying to make a break for it with my donuts and glue sticks because I was stopped.

Even with all of that, I made it to church only 7 minutes late. While waiting for the kids to be dismissed from church, I gave my kids their donuts (breakfast of champions) as I looked over my lesson. I had a topic and some activities picked out, I just needed one or two scriptures to go with it. Yea, actual bible scriptures might be important. Not remembering where the fruits of the spirit are in the bible, I turned to the back. Even with my glasses, I could NOT read the print. I'm not even 40 and already need freak'n bifocals. Little Man found the scripture just as the kids were dismissed from church.

Early in the school year, I signed up to help with the kids because let's face it, it would look impressive on my Supermom resume. I was assigned to the toddlers every 5th Sunday. While I should have been more than happy with my assignment, I was a little disappointed and wished I could teach the older kids, little did I know. Married couples were assigned to them and since Hubby doesn't attend church with me, I was not picked. Exclusion is not always a bad thing, be careful what you wish for . . .

A few months ago, I was approached by a frustrated teacher concerning children's church. Her husband is in the military and inevitably is called away for weekend duty on their Sunday with the kids. She was at her wit's end doing it by herself and asked if I wanted to take her place. While I should have been warned by the desperation in her face, I gladly accepted the job.

My first day, I decided to teach them a song in sign language. When I was young, some friends and I would sign during Praise and Worship at our church. I loved it and even to this day when a familiar song is played, I want to sign. It's goofy but the connection I feel when signing is like what I imagine a singer feels with singing a song or a dancer with a dance. Anyway, I thought the kids would enjoy it too. I picked a song played often at our church, freshened up on my signing skills online, practiced teaching it with my kids (who were actually excited about it), recruited my mom to help and was ready for Children's Church. While most participated, the kids were more interested in playing outside then signing. Being optimistic, I thought next time will be better.

My church is extremely easy going and laid back. I always considered it as positive never negative, until maybe now. One Sunday during song service, a friend and I were standing at the back surrounded by kids dancing and playing around us. She mentioned that her kids could never go back to a traditional, structured church. Again, I thought this is okay at least the kids are having fun and not made to sit in a pew quiet as a mouse through long, boring church services.

Anyway, last Sunday I was prepared with a short lesson and a couple of fun activities. It has rained so much over the past couple of weeks, I should have done a lesson on Noah and maybe built an ark. Realizing the kids couldn't go outside to run off excess energy, bad mood or not, I'd have to be on my toes. They came in wild and crazy as I quickly corralled them into their seats and prepared for the first activity.

Taking my lesson from Little Man being called a Buck Tooth Peanut Head earlier this week, I asked if anyone had ever been called a name or called another person a name? This sparked some good but extremely loud discussion because everyone was talking at the same time. Only after several attempts did I regain their attention for a brief moment, as I reminded them to keep it down so we don't disturb their parents in the sanctuary. Children's Church is basically in the foyer of the little sanctuary, only a set of glass, double doors separate the two. I must have said "Not so loud" a million times with little to no affect on the kids.

In the lesson, I tried to talk over them as I continued with how our words can either build someone up or destroy them. The saying, "Sticks and Stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt me" is not true. We are known by our words like a tree for its fruit. They continued to grow antsy and louder by the second.

As we started the first activity, I explained how we need to use words to build bridges rather than tear people down. I divided them into 3 equal groups, had each group form a line and gave the leader a roll of toilet paper. Working together, they had to unravel the toilet paper by passing it from person to person, alternating between legs and above their head until they had any empty roll. They had fun but as you could imagine, it was loud.

Next, I separated them among 3 tables, passed out strips of paper, and instructed them to write down a compliment for each person at their table (around 6 people). I gave them examples like "Smart, Funny, Pretty Smile, Cool Shoes, Great Football Player, etc... Afterwards, they were suppose to give them to one another and use the glue sticks to form a chain with the nice words they had received. This activity was too long for their short attention spans.

This time I thought I had a good lesson and plenty of activities to keep their active bodies busy but still like before. we teetered on the verge of chaos the whole time. Thank God, church finally ended and the adults made their way our direction. As I picked up toilet paper, color pencils and glue sticks, I watched the kids go crazy around their parents. With the exception of one adult (not the kid's parent) asking the loudest child to quit screaming, all were oblivious to the craziness. It's like the kids are without any limits whatsoever, a total free for all. They can get loud, wrestle, and run with total disregard for where they are, who they're around, or anything. I watched as the boy who was asked to quit yelling pick up a statue from a bookcase . If he dropped it, it would break. He didn't care as he tossed it around in his hands. It's funny, I didn't notice the behavior so much before my attempt at Children's Church.

During all the commotion, a man stopped me while noticing a paper chain left on a table and said I was doing a great job. Thinking he was joking, I quickly apologized for all the racket during service. He said he didn't mind and that he was just glad the kids were in church having fun.

Don't get me wrong, I want to teach Children's church and I do think kids should have fun. However, I don't think church should be just like Chuckie Cheese.

Boobs

2009-05-06T21:49:00.021-05:00

I had my first mammogram today. It was a little weird having someone position your boob into the machine that squishes it for a picture. Still, I'd take that over a colonoscopy any day, yuk. My nurse talked and talked and talked. As she explained what she was doing, she referred to my boobs as average size. How about that, Average! I knew they've grown after 2 kids and 15 pounds (give or take), still I thought they were well below average.

In junior high, boys said I was President of the Itty Bitty Tiddy Committee. Their ring leader used to torture me about size on the bus ride home from school each day. He'd say stupid things like you've got mosquito bites on your chest, let me scratch them for you. Most of my friends had grown boobs but I was still waiting. Because of my flat chest, I hated the way I looked. I prayed, quoted scripture (desire of my heart one) and even tried to use the Word of Faith message for bigger Boobs to appear on my chest.

I miraculously started 8th grade with boobs, thanks to Mom introducing me to padded bra's. It worked great until I was invited to a swim party. Mom came to the rescue once again with a padded swimsuit. It looked funny with zero cleavage but you know it doesn't take much to fool stupid junior high boys.

Through my teens and 20's, boob job ranked right up there with the need to eat, breath and sleep. In between the birth of Little Man and Baby Girl, a friend who was about my size had a boob job after giving birth to her second and final child. Shortly afterwards, she proudly flashed my friend and I. She looked great and I was more determined than ever to have one as soon as possible. The cost of the surgery kept coming down so I figured by the time I was done having babies, I would be able to afford one. too. I honestly thought that bigger boobs would make my life better, is that not crazy!

It's funny how age, children and I guess just life change you. The song "You're so Vain" comes to mind when thinking about my obsession with bigger boobs. Hubby still brings it up on occasion, usually when I'm complaining about my looks. I think he'd like to see me with Pamela Anderson Boobs. Sure, I'd get a kick out of occasionally wearing them around but not stuck to my chest for the rest of my life.

Fishing in the Dark

2009-05-04T23:26:00.007-05:00

In the car coming home from dinner, I was asking Baby Girl about school, her friends, and stuff. It wasn't just casual conversation, I was fishing for information (I'll get to that in another post). I was completely shocked with what I caught. When asking about some of her classmates, she said she had a secret to tell me. She couldn't say it in front of Daddy and Brother. I didn't think much about it because she tells secrets all the time with most being, "I love you . . . the sky is blue . . . and boys stink."

At home, we went in her room and she said with an embarrassed smirk that . . . at nap time at school, "So and so" showed me and "friend" his private. (OH! MY!! GAWD!!! ) Trying to stay calm, I asked, "Where was your teacher?" She replied, "At her desk." The teacher obviously didn't see and the girls didn't tell.

I'm not sure if it should make a difference to the story but "So and so" is not completely right. I'm not sure his exact disability but he is terribly slow.

I explained to Baby Girl that That is NEVER a secret. That if anyone ever tries to show their private or asks to see yours, it's not funny but serious and to get an adult immediately. I told her that she and friend should have gone straight to the teacher and then at home she should have told me first thing.

I'm probably overreacting. Hubby even laughed when I first told him. The whole kids will be kids, that's gonna happen, type thing. It's not like Baby Girl has never seen it before, she does have a brother. It was most likely totally innocent. Nevertheless, it worries me.

I've emailed the "friend's" mom to call me (I don't have her phone number) and will go to the school tomorrow to talk with the teacher. I wouldn't have thought it before but maybe they should separate the boys and girls at nap time and put "So and so" right next to the teacher's desk.

We'll see what happens . . .

Stink'n Deadlines

2009-05-01T01:04:00.005-05:00

Why . . .oh . . . why do I procrastinate? It's 1am and I just finished my 4th and final state application. I was suppose to take it to the UPS store to overnight by 5:00, obviously I didn't make it. So now my poor husband must drive the 4 hours into Kansas to hand deliver the stink'n thing. I should be shot. I told him I'd take it myself but he said he could get there and back faster, that's true.

How long have I had to complete the application you ask? Oh, the application window was March 1st to May 1st. I have no excuse, I'm just a habitual put-er-off-er. It makes me and everyone around me crazy. I lost my mind and repeatedly snapped at my husband, the kids, and the dog.

Well, applications are done . . . on to final reports. Stink'n paperwork. My next deadline is Friday, May 15th. Guess you know what I'll be doing Thursday, May 14th.

Homeward Bound

2009-04-28T09:43:00.011-05:00

As I left the hospital, I gave Dad a big, not too tight, squeeze and followed the nurse down the hall. At 7am, the doctor came in, pulled the drain out of Dad's chest and gave him his walking papers. He will be released sometime this afternoon. Throughout it all, I haven't been that emotional. At times, I felt concern and shock when I first saw him in ICU but not the distress as when Mom was sick.

I'm not sure why? Wasn't Dad's quadruple bypass every bit as serious as Mom's battle with cancer? A friend said the difference is the weight of primary caretaker didn't fall on my shoulder's with Dad like it did with Mom.

Thank God for Pam. You can really see how much she loves Dad in the little ways she cares for him. She jumps up to straighten his pillow, rubs lotion on his legs and feet and tenderly caresses his forehead and cheek. Throughout the weekend she repeatedly said, "He has to be okay because he's my soul mate." I'm so glad Dad has her. As I followed the nurse to the exit of the hospital, the tears came like a flood. It's so hard saying goodbye.

We live so far away that we're lucky to see each other even once a year. Thanks to mobiles, we talk every day which helps. With him happy in the Smokies and me content as an Okie, I guess cells will have to do for now.

I caught a taxi from the hospital to the airport. It couldn't have been much over 10 miles away but it ended up costing $40.00. The 1-way ticket home only cost $110.00. Isn't that crazy? Dad says I really should get out more, but I don't know if I can afford it.

I made it to the airport in plenty of time so I hit a few airport stores after I checked in with a real live ticket agent. I found a great tote bag that I think I'll use as a purse for $12.00. It's that popular giraffe print with pink straps and trim. I love it. My kids are crazy for Webkinz so I picked up a snake for Little Man and a Lemur (I thought was a monkey) for Baby Girl. They'll love it.

At security, they weren't real happy that my license was expired. I pulled out every card in my wallet in attempts to prove who I was. Reluctantly they sent me on. Like a pro, I placed my stuff including my shoes and jackets into a bin and confidently strolled through without a hitch.

All along the concourse, they had rocking chairs of all shapes and sizes facing the windows definitely adding to the Smokey Mountain feel. During my time here, most of the people I met spoke with that strong southern drawl. It's like they either added vowels to all their words or at least hung on to the ones there as long as possible. The funniest words were those with the long i sound; Right, Nice, and Like. For me, the accent seemed so out of place in the ICU unit. All the doctors and nurses sounded like Dolly Parton, it was hard to take them seriously.

Off the subject, did you see the wreck at Talledega this weekend? On the way to Dallas Friday morning, the guy sitting behind me on the plane was going to that race. Man, did he get his money's worth!

On the plane to Memphis, we bounced around a little more than I like due to turbulence. It got me to thinking about the many flights I took as a child on Skyways (Scareways). Skyways was a little 2 engine commuter plane I'd fly to see Dad during school vacations. When I'd board their plane, I'd wave and say "Hi" to the pilots sitting in the cockpit. Before going to my seat, they'd usually give me a wings pin. There wasn't a door separating the pilots from the main cabin. If I remember right, there weren't stewardesses but instead during the flight, you could see and talk to the pilots at the front of the plane. A couple of times, the pilots invited me to sit in the cockpit and pretend to fly the plane. My how things have changed.

One particular time I flew on Scareways, I looked out my window somewhere over Arkansas and I could see the propeller sitting still. The engine had gone out. Meanwhile in Memphis, the plane was of course extremely late. Dad says that several times he asked the agents at the counter what's going on, why is the plane so late but they never gave him a straight answer only it's been delayed. Dad watched as planes were directed to other runways and emergency vehicles made their way to the runway directly in front of him.

On one engine, it took forever for us to get to Memphis. Looking back, I bet it was a much longer wait for Dad watching all the emergency crews on the runway. If it were my kids, I'd have lost my mind. He says off in the distance, he finally saw our little plane flying on one engine slowly heading for the runway. Obviously, it would have been bad if the other engine went out but evidently landing can be tough on one engine. It was dark when we made our approach to Memphis. I always loved landing at night to see all the runway lights from above but that was nothing compared to it coupled with the lights from the emergency vehicles as well. It was awesome. They told us to assume a crash position bending our head to our legs. Although I could touch my nose to my legs better than anyone on the plane, I was more interested in looking out the window to watch all the action and lights on the ground. Failing to see the danger, I refused to duck for cover.

On Skyways, they don't pull up to the breezeway connecting to the airport but you take stairs down from the plane and walk outside to the doors of the airport. I was always excited to look up into the big airport windows and see Dad waving. He laughs remembering that night. All the adults exited the plane holding their chest noticeably shaken from the experience while I bounced off with a big grin happily skipping and swinging my purse in circles above my head. Oh, to be a kid.

Today's flight to Memphis was no where that exciting but I did catch a glimpse of the Memphis Pyramid, the skyline of downtown and a huge fleet of Fed Ex cargo planes. Once on the ground, I was too slow out of my seat as passengers took up all the aisle. Only on a plane will people not think twice about sticking their butt right in your face as they search under seats and overhead for their belongings. I hope no one has gas.

In the airport, the first song I heard was Otis Reddings "Try A Little Tenderness." Yep, this is definitely Memphis. I had some time to kill between flights so I decided to find a restaurant and maybe check out some of their stores. The first restaurant I came to was of course a barbecue restaurant so I stopped for a sandwich. I ordered a pulled pork sandwich, my favorite. The cashier asked if I wanted slaw on my sandwich. Hubby is disgusted when I eat that combination. I'm sure it's a Southern thang, if you haven't tried it, you should. It's great! As I ate my sandwich and watched people pass by, two words plopped into my mind . . . SWINE FLU! I hope you can't get it from Barbecue sandwiches.

After lunch, I shopped. The Elvis store had a great Elvis purse but it was too expensive about the cost of my taxi ride to the airport this morning. Next, I went to the Sun store named for the famous Sun Studio in downtown Memphis where all the greats recorded. Why Ohio claims to be the birthplace of Rock n Roll I have no idea, there's no denying, it all started here in Memphis. If you are ever in Memphis, be sure to take the Sun Studio tour, it's incredible! Sun store in the airport had a great Johnny Cash t-shirt, all black of course. Cool shirt but more than I wanted to spend.

At the gate waiting for the plane, the airport announcer warned that the Homeland Security Threat was elevated to Orange, I wonder what that means? The next time I fly will be the first of June. Hubby and I along with two other couples, are going to Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. My best friend is one of the couples, we've been friends since 3rd grade. We planned the trip months ago. We were somewhat concerned with all the media attention on the gun fights from the drug wars. Now that's calmed down, the Pig Flu has broke out and once again all travel to Mexico is discouraged. While still waiting for my plane, she text me saying maybe we should cancel the trip. I text back halfway joking saying how cute we'd look in our bikini's and face mask and what could possible happen next, an earthquake? She's never seen the ocean before, not to jinx us but maybe she's not meant to. Before I turned off my cell, she text me back saying, "OMG, a 6.0 earthquake hit Acapulco!" I'm not sure if she's serious or not. I'm confident if we make it to Mexico in June, I'll have one hell of a story to tell on my blog.

I made it home sweet home. Flying in, there's no Smokey Mountains or great Pyramid, but boy does it look good. The wind was blowing too strong for the breezeway so they had us take the stairs off the plane like Scareways. Hubby and kiddo's greeted me with hugs and kisses just beyond security. I'm home. . .

TBall Update

2009-04-27T00:24:00.002-05:00

We won both games Saturday. The first game was against the team I pulled Baby Girl off. I heard through the grapevine that their coach really wanted to stick it to us. I couldn't help but feel the same. Nothing wrong with a little competition, Right?

We won 18 to 16 or something like that. I have terrible cell phone reception in the hospital but after the game Mom left a message on my voicemail. When I got the message, I sprang up jumping up and down and yelling, "We Won, We Won!" Thank God, I was in the hospital cafeteria and not ICU.

I spoke to Hubby, Mom, Dad, Paw Paw, Grandma, a couple of other parents on the team and Baby Girl to try and get all accounts of the game.

Wish I could have been there.

Making It Look Easy

2009-04-26T17:07:00.005-05:00

Only my dad can make quadruple bypass surgery look easy.

He went in the hospital on Friday, it's now Sunday night and they say he might get to go home tomorrow. When I arrived at the hospital Friday around 11am, I went immediately to the Cardiac ICU. I met Pam, my dad's wife, in the waiting room. She was pretty upset as you might expect but glad to see me. She said that he spent over 2 hours in surgery, his heart is pumping and so far, so good.

Visiting hours for the ICU unit are every 2 hours for 30 minutes; 12, 2, 4, 6, and so on all night long. My first visit in to see him was pretty shocking. He had a gazillion tubes hooked to him, had a ventilator in his mouth and looked really swollen and pale. He wasn't breathing on his own. Besides his chest going up and down with forced breaths, he didn't move. I wanted to touch him but was too scared. I met his first nurse, Holly. She was really friendly and tried to assure us that he was okay.

As I left ICU, it hit me. I didn't burst into tears, falter under the stress or go into hysterics but the weight of the situation settled on me hard. I couldn't bear sitting in the tense waiting room with the other families, so we went to the cafeteria for a drink. We somehow got lost in conversation catching up on the last few months until it was time for our 4:00 visit with Dad.

He looked the same but was moving some. He'd wiggle his toes and fingers, a definite sign of life. I was reluctant but Pam reached out to touch his hand as she talked to him. I wasn't sure if it was just wishful thinking but he seemed to be following her commands. He'd wiggle his toes and squeeze her hand when she asked. He kept sticking his tongue out over and over. I thought maybe he was trying to get the ventilator out of his mouth but he later said that he was trying to communicate. Pam told him that I was there. She said I had red hair and he scrunched up his nose as if to say "What?" He looked just as bad as the first visit, he couldn't open his eyes, but was definitely in there. So reassuring!

This hospital is really confusing. Pam and I kept getting lost in the hallways. We finally found the parking garage but then couldn't find the car. When you enter the parking garage, they give you a ticket. If you get it stamped inside the hospital, they won't charge you. We kept either losing the tickets or forgetting to get it stamped.

We found a really nice hotel not 10 minutes down the road, checked in and rushed right back to the hospital. During the next visit, he opened his eyes but they kept slamming shut like he hadn't slept in weeks. He would nod his head yes, no or shrug his shoulders to communicate. We asked if he was in pain, he nodded NO. He squeezed my hand as I talked to him and even looked at us, crossed his eyes making a funny face before his lids slammed shut for a good laugh. He did that several times trying to lift our spirits as if saying lighten up, everything's okay. Towards the end of our visit, he tried to tell me something. I somehow guessed that his neck hurt from being in the same position for so long. His nurse moved cords so he could move his head to alleviate the pain in his neck. It felt really good to help. At this point, he wasn't totally dependent on the ventilator. He had to initiate breaths and then the ventilator kicked in to assist. When he'd dose off, he sometimes would forget to breathe like Sleep Apnea. When he stopped breathing, bells would go off waking Dad and alerting the nurse. It was scary to watch.

Back in the waiting room, Pam's phone was ringing off the hook with people wanting to know how Dad was doing. She didn't feel like talking to everyone repeating the details of Dad's condition. I offered to update everyone by leaving updates on the voicemail of her cell phone. It worked like a charm. As people called and got her voicemail, my voice would greet them and give full details on how he was doing. Some people would leave messages, others didn't but all were kept well informed.

At the 8:00 visit, we came in to find Dad sitting up with the help of his bed trying to talk to his nurse. He was fully alert with his eyes wide open. He mouthed the word "Swallow" and was demanding the ventilator come out. He wasn't getting through to his nurse so he motioned for a pen and paper. He wrote what everyone already knew, he wanted the ventilator out. He was still forgetting to breathe some when asleep. But in true Dad form, he won the battle and against their better judgment, they pulled the ventilator. They warned him that if he forgets to breathe too much, they'd have to put it back in and start all over. His voice was raspy from the ventilator and anesthesia, but he could finally talk to us. Dad asked us to stay past ICU curfew to help keep him awake so he wouldn't forget to breathe. The RN, Robert, was really cool and let us stay.

As we hung out, Dad told us that before he came to, he could hear everything going on. I couldn't believe it because earlier in the day he looked 100% checked out. He said that when we were talking, we sounded like a couple of "Mag Pies." He's still talking funny from the drugs and I thought he said a couple of Bag Pipes. I didn't know what Mag Pies were. I found out they are birds who continually chatter. I guess our rambling did sound like that. All I know was that we were told to talk to him even though he was comatose. That's really hard, what do you say? Do you tell him what's going on in case he's confused? Do you tell him how much you love him, just in case? Either way, he doesn't respond and it feels like you're talking to air. Dad continued to nod off as we were talking. He'd forget to breathe some and the bells would start ringing. As we left, I was worried they'd have to put the dreaded ventilator back in.

When we came back, it was 10pm. He was still without the ventilator. He told us not to stay at the hospital all night but get some sleep at the hotel, he was fine. We stayed with him until a little after 11pm and then went to the hotel. I couldn't believe the improvements he made each time we were allowed to visit throughout the day. It was like night and day.

When we arrived the next morning, he was sitting in the recliner in ICU eating breakfast. They had removed more tubes and were ready to move him out of ICU as soon as a bed was available in the Cardiac Observation Unit. We continued to have great nurses and nurse assistants who not only joked around with us but also let Pam and I stay as long as we wanted.

He was moved out of ICU late Saturday afternoon, continued to eat a little and stayed in good spirits. We all hung out that night watching TV, listening to music on my computer and just enjoying each other's company. As Pam and I got ready for bed at the hotel, we both agreed that it's too bad that nowadays it takes something as serious as open heart surgery to make us put life on hold, travel the miles between us and spend time as if it's the last day we can.

It's Sunday night and for the most part, he's had a good day. He's still not eating much because his stomach is swollen and bloated. Today, his stomach has really bothered him and it's getting worse the later it gets. The nurses have given him medicine so hopefully it'll help.

Since January, he's had attacks where the room starts spinning, he becomes extremely nauseous and just feels extremely bad. It usually happens in the mornings which many times puts him out of commission for the rest of the day. He's had moments of dizziness since the surgery but tonight had a full blown attack. (It reminds me of a panic attack) He's frustrated thinking he just endured major surgery but still won't feel better. I'm hoping the dizziness and nausea is from the surgery and pain meds on an empty stomach.

Regardless, he has rebound unbelievably fast and I'm heading home tomorrow knowing that he's well on his way to recovery.

Airport

2009-04-24T05:16:00.014-05:00

Okay so I haven't flown in a long time, my how things have changed. I made it to the airport at the butt crack of dawn, said goodbye to hubby, grabbed my full bottle of water and rolled my 1 suitcase to check-in. First time ever, there wasn't a crowd of people waiting for the ticket counter. I went straight for the ticket agent when I was directed to a line of computers directly in front of the counter. No biggie, I can handle this. I have plenty experience thanks to Walmart and their self checkout. I followed all the prompts confirming my name, flight info and such. It then asks about luggage, I press 1 bag. It says it'll cost $15.00, how do I want to pay? Thinking I messed up, I looked for a real live person behind the counter to ask. Nope, no mistake. They charge per bag, is that not crazy? The cost of the ticket itself was outrageous!

Before it'll print my boarding pass, I have to show the live ticket agent my driver's license. From 16 to probably 25, I've lost a dozen or so driver's license. It's been the running joke in my family. Over the years, Mom and Dad have found my missing driver's licenses in all sorts of places. But now that I'm a responsible adult and put away those childish ways, I confidently whip out my license for the ticket agent. Lo and behold, she informs me my license expired at the end of March. They allowed me to fly but I would have been screwed a few months back when I'd been grounded for an expired ID, off to security.

What luck, no line at Security either. Maybe 5am at the airport is not so bad after all. As I enter the line, a security guy eyes my drink and then informs me that I can't take my water through security. I haven't even opened it yet, that stinks. I took one drink, tossed the bottle in the trash, placed my purse and folder in the bin to be scanned and headed for their metal detector. I guess I noticed some others taking their shoes off to be scanned but it didn't register until face to face with that security guy treating me like a 5 year old, "Uhm. . .Ma'am, you must put your shoes and jacket in the bin too." It's like he was that comedian saying "Here's Your Sign, You Moron" as I scooted past him in socks, grabbed my stuff, slipped my shoes on and headed for the gate.

I must say, everyone at the airport is unbelievably friendly and helpful. I bet they're trained on what to say and how to say it in attempts to minimize stress because let's face it, it's not natural to be that friendly in the morning. I think they're fighting a losing battle anyway, the definition of airport is a place of stress, no matter how friendly they get.

On the way to the gate, I first smell and then see heaven on earth, it's a Starbucks. Forget friendliness, give me coffee and I will de-stress. I walk to the gate to ask someone if I can take coffee on the plane. Wouldn't you know it, no one's there, only a screen monitor with boarding instructions. I read through the prompts. After 5 minutes, the prompts start over not mentioning drinks on the plane. Permissible or not, I need coffee so I go to Starbuck's.

With a cafe mocha in hand, I make it back to the terminal. At the last minute, a live person came to board us. When people began to approach her, she ordered them back to wait in their seats. It was kinda like she was the teacher and we were her class. She started boarding by calling First Class and all the rich folks lined up. Next, she called for Executive Platinum, not sure what that is but a bunch of suits lined up. Next, she called for Priority Access. I thought that was for passengers who need assistance like those with small children, handicapped, etc... But the ones that lined up didn't look the part, not sure who they were. Finally, she called for those with Boarding Pass 1, that was me.

I boarded the plane and began looking for my seat. It was at the back of the plane next to the engine. It blocked most of the view out the window, however there weren't any seats directly in front of us just the flight attendant's station (notice I didn't say stewardess, how about that for political correctness?) so we had more leg room then anyone else, that was nice. The plane was dark as everyone settled into their seats. The flight attendants helped some with their carryons, and began making preparation for take-off. One came over to my row and told me and the woman next to me that we would have to store our carryons as well as our purses in the overhead bin. What? Both of us complaining some, we put our stuff overhead. The plane started with a low, vibrating roar. We definitely had the loudest seats on the ride to Dallas.

The flight to Dallas was uneventful and not that loud once we reached our flying altitude. I didn't talk much to the woman next to me partly because the roar of the engine but mostly because it was still the butt crack of dawn. I noticed she kept her wallet with her, mine was overhead. . . that wasn't too smart. As we made our approach, I initiated small talk and asked in my most pleasant LOUD voice, "Where are you headed?" She lives in Tulsa but was heading for Florida. When she found out I was going to Tennessee, she perked up and said she used to live in Jackson, Tennessee, my hometown. What a small world.

I had less than an hour to change planes as I guess most others because no one waited for the pilot to turn off the seat belt sign but instead fought for space in the aisle. I don't know what it is about me and a bunch of people in a confined space that makes me have gas. Does this happen to anyone else? On the concourse, it reminded me of the Amazing Race. All of us passengers sprinting for the tram trying to catch connecting flights, it was really exciting. The woman I sat next to on the plane followed my lead. I guess she didn't see the "Complete Moron Sign" but instead a "World Class Traveler Sign", works for me. I found the tram, took a seat at the front and began reading all the wall advertisements in the tram. There was one for The Cereally Bar, a restaurant in the airport that served cereal. That's crazy, I wouldn't think there'd be a huge market for Cheerios, Corn Flakes and Captain Crunch.

At last, I made my flight. It was a smaller plane with a single row of seats lining one aisle and a set of 2 seats on the other. Jealous of those assigned a seat by themselves, I squeeze next to a big muscular guy that took up mine and his seat both. He's cute enough, probably early 20's, has dreadlocks and a bright orange golf shirt on. I automatically assume he's a Big Vol's Football player, how about that for profiling. We sat quietly through take off. I was going back and forth on whether to break the silence, not sure if I was in a talkative mood or not.

When I was young and flew all the time on Skyways (Scareways) a little commuter plane, I would entertain fellow passengers by holding my own little concert, poor guys. As I remember, they were always good sports and applauded after each musical selection.

Not much after takeoff, I started a conversation with my supersized travel buddy. He was from Houston heading for Knoxville for work. He works for a non-profit company that sells an after-school reading tutoring program to churches and non-profit agencies. That is similar to my business and therefore I had a million and one questions like how it's funded, what's the curriculum, how's the management structure, how about marketing and so on. He called their program Freedom Schools. He was a really cool, interesting guy. The 2 hour flight flew by and before I knew it, we were landing. I wished him well as we got off the plane.

I knew I was in Tennessee when I hit the bathroom and heard Kenny Rogers, The Gambler blasting through the speakers. "Know when to hold them, know when to fold them, Know when to walk away, Know when to Run."

Dad is coming out of surgery so my thoughts turned to him and getting to the hospital.

TBall

2009-04-20T21:32:00.008-05:00

So you remember, I signed Baby Girl up for Tball. The team looked very promising. Most of the girls are from the kids school, either the same age as Baby Girl or just one year older. I liked the team name (Xtreme) and the team colors (purple and green) which, let's face it, are most important when choosing a team. I heard about the team from the mother of a girl on Baby Girl's basketball team. She's really cool. I had a blast hanging out with her during their basketball practices and looked forward to seeing her at Tball.

The first practice was okay. They had all the girls rotating between stations practicing skills including hitting, playing catch, and running bases. I didn't instantly connect with the other moms on the team like I had hoped. It seemed like there were definite clicks from the get go. During practice #2, the coach placed my daughter in the outfield and with the exception of 1 time at bat, left her there for 2 hours without even 1 ball hit her direction. As she drew circles in the grass behind 2nd base, my blood pressure was climbing the charts.

The words "Keep it together" kept floating in and out of my mind but with little impact. I was mad, getting madder and wanted everyone to know it. With every passing minute I became louder and louder. . .huffing and puffing, deliberately shifting my weight making as much noise as possible on the bleachers. When I couldn't take it one more second, I jumped off the bleachers and stomped to my car knowing I looked like a total idiot, but unwilling to stop.

This team had 4 coaches, 1 coach had twins, all with daughters on the team. So there was the writing on the wall, the infield positions would be all coaches kids. Baby Girl would be stuck in the outfield.

After talking to my husband, several friends, and Baby Girl's basketball coach, I decided to form my own team. I contacted the guy over the league to find out what I needed to do to start a team. Next, I went to the school and began recruiting players starting first with all my daughter's friends. I quickly had 8 players and found the remaining 2 from the league's waiting list. Hubby convinced the Polaris dealership in town to sponsor us which paid for our uniforms. Our team name is the RZR's for Polaris' newest ATV. Our uniforms are awesome, the color is a cross between neon green and yellow with black lettering. We have black hats with a neon bright R and black baseball pants. The girls as well as the coaches, I might add, look awesome. We had team pictures taken last week. When they come in I'll post one.

As I mentioned, all my daughter's friends are on the team, they are a great bunch of girls. I have 1 pre-k, 5 Kindergarten, and 4 1st graders all with big personalities and cuter than cute. All the parents are equally as great. I'd choose them to hang out with outside of Tball. I coach along with hubby, Baby Girl's basketball coach's daughter, and one of my daughter's best friend's Dad. When I decided to start my own team, hubby was concerned but knew any effort to talk me out of it, would be in vain. Poor guy, when I 'm on "my mission" as he calls it, there's no hope for reason, he just has to hold on and ride it out as best as he can.

For the most part, we have steered away from all team sports. Little Man has never shown much interest and Baby Girl was too young which worked for us. We'd watch our friends run from sport to sport and vow we'd never marry a sport like them. Never say never because here we are buying Tball equipment, holding 2 practices a week and Saturday games. Surprisingly, we are all having a blast.

Because of our late start, the other teams have had twice the amount of practices. But we won 3 of the 4 games which I know shouldn't be a priority but I'm competitive so it's hard not to want to win. During all practices and most games, I switch positions so all the girls have a chance at infield where most of the action takes place. The girls are learning some of the dugout chants. My favorite being, "How funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose. So, come on all you RZR fans, and shake your caboose." We had a pizza party at my house last Friday. The girls played on our swing set fort, rode bikes, ate pizza, found and painted a turtle all while I hung out and cut up with their parents. Now, that's what I call Tball.

When the girls see me at the school, they say "Hey Coach." (sounds so weird and totally cracks me up) At yesterday's practice, our team clown told me I looked pregnant, Ouch. Attention spans are short so games during practice are best. Most practices, we run bases playing sharks and minnows, their favorite. The player's brothers and the coaches are the sharks and the girls run from base to base with big eyes screaming at the top of their lungs. It's warming up so I'm thinking about bringing out water balloons at the end of next practice. We play that team I dropped Baby Girl from on Saturday. Unfortunately, I won't be there b/c of Dad's surgery but it should be interesting.

Get Real

2009-04-17T22:56:00.006-05:00

I've been crazy emotional lately. I guess we can all get that way at times, just comes with the territory, I suppose. I've been throwing this out to my husband and friends, maybe I'm going through the change. I'm sure it's wishful thinking but I am having night sweats. I force my husband to keep the heat off in the house even on the coldest of nights. The other morning I woke up burning up and the temperature was 64. Baby Girl asked for blankets for her bed, she's freezing (poor thing). Most nights, I can't sleep. I fall asleep pretty easy but can't stay asleep. I'm moody, more so than normal I think and (TMI, I know) my monthly friend's stays are becoming shorter and shorter. A friend says it sounds more like pregnancy than the change of life to her, but that's not a possibility, thank God.

My dad went into the hospital today for a catherization (think that's what it's called). They went through an artery in his leg to see his heart. Last year, they found out that one artery was 100% blocked and they couldn't reopen it. They put a stint in another artery that was somewhat blocked for reinforcement. He's had a pretty rough year both physically and mentally. First of all up until the heart trouble, he thought he was invincible. Most things especially sickness was nothing more than mind over matter for him and this belief kept him from even the occasional common cold. He swears he's not been sick since the 1950's. If ever he feels a cough or sniffle coming on, he'll use his mind over matter powers and not be sick. His tried and true powers have failed him over the past year leaving him not only sick on most days but also lost.

Since January, he's been having episodes of dizziness and nausea. It landed him in the emergency room a couple of times, the last time just a few weeks ago. They dismissed it as the stomach flu and sent him home . His wife had words with the emergency room doctor because she knew it was no stomach bug. Her gut instinct said it was his heart all along although no one would listen. They went to an ear, throat and nose specialist because his family doctor said it could be Inner Ear.

And so as Dad's wife suspected, it's his heart. The one artery is still 100% blocked, the one with the stint is 70% blocked and the other is 80% blocked. He's gotta have triple or quadruple bypass surgery. He's scheduling it on Monday, not sure how quickly it will happen. He has to be off Plavix for 5 days. I'm going to fly out to be there for the surgery.

He, of course, is fine and sees no need for me to come all that way because (in his words) "open heart surgery is no more than having your appendix out nowadays." Not sure it's in quite the same category but I have had 3 uncles go through it in the last few years, one who recovered on a cruise ship just a few short weeks after his surgery. I think Dad will be just fine.

I talked with Mom for several hours tonight. She had a PET Scan last Thursday and was given a clean bill of health from her oncologist last Tuesday. The doc said the scan covered the top of her head to her knees, no cancer. She told him, "Good thing, because she wasn't up for another dose of chemo," which sparked a more truthful discussion than she's ever had with him before. Why is it so hard to get straight answers from doctors?

Mom commented that she doesn't know how patients can continue life while taking dose after dose of chemo. She confessed that she didn't handle her treatment well and guesses her age was a factor or maybe weakness within herself. He told her that he's not seen any patients sail through the chemo radiation regiment she had. In fact, most fare as she did. It was a liberating conversation with her doctor which offered her a Get Out Of Jail Free Card. I hope she lets herself off the hook.

I think the doctors, nurses and staff are so focused on keeping it positive that they fail to keep it real. I remember attending the chemo class where a nurse excitedly said the treatment is much easier than in the early days and that some patients even feel better on chemo. The first meeting with her oncologist to plan out her treatment encouraged her to continue work, life, and even a planned vacation which fell smack dab between dose 1 and 2 of chemo. I know they can't be full of doom and gloom but they shouldn't blow smoke either.

More Later. . .

Weather

2009-04-10T10:11:00.012-05:00

I think my dad missed his calling, he should have been a meteorologist and work for the Weather Channel. He spends hours watching it not for the somewhat interesting stories of people surviving wild weather but instead all the weather people and their radars, maps, and lingo.

So, here's to the weather. The first weekend in April, we had a blizzard. The biggest snow of the season (6+ inches) On the phone, Paw G suggested that Little Man go out and make a snowman (thanks Dad). So Little Man and I stuffed ourselves into our snow apparel to brave the elements. We built not one but four snowmen (1 for each member of the family). Hubby and the neighbors found it very comical watching us try to stack the gigantic snowballs. Baby girl was at Grandma's house and played in the snow there. Here's some pictures of Little Man and his fun in the snow.

The snow melted in record time with temperatures rebounding the next day to the mid 60's.

Over the past few days, we've had tornado threats and wind gusts up to 60mph. Hubby is over at Grandma's house right now helping Paw Paw fix shingles the wind ripped off last night. As if teaching t-ball to 5, 6, and 7 year olds isn't tough enough, try doing it in hurricane winds. We spend more time chasing their hats then the softballs.

For the past 2 evenings, we've had alot of smoke outside our house from nearby fires. Yesterday in the city, over 30 houses burned to the ground. With the crazy wind, the firemen don't stand a chance. And don't even get me started on allergies. Little Man is demanding I take him to the doctor for stronger allergy medicine. I've tried to convince him that we are all just stuck with the sneezes, plugged sinuses, and itchy red, swollen eyes until the weather gets better. He's not buying it.

Speaking of weather, I know that sometimes as now the weather warrants an in depth conversation particularly when it's somehow threatening. But, more and more, it's all dad wants to talk about. Generally our conversations start with the area highs and lows, followed by the average monthly rainfall, and ending with the extended forecast.

I remember Mom and Dad complaining about visiting with Grandpa. He worked at the local grocery store and always wanted to talk about the cost of tomatoes. I can understand how they felt. It sometimes feels like dad doesn't really want to know what's going on in my life or me to know what's going on in his, so he fills the idle chit chat with somthing as mundane as the weather.

Truthfully, the weather is not mundane to him, he has always cared about me as much as anyone, and so I shouldn't read more into it than that. (Most days I don't)

So, now I've got to get a move on for the school Easter parties. The Easter Egg Hunt should be interesting under partly cloudy skies, moderate temperatures and gentle wind gusts up to 40 mph. They are gonna be literally chasing their plastic eggs all over the playground.

On a positive note, Easter Sunday is suppose to be cold and rainy which is perfect for Baby Girl's Easter dress. I bought 3 Christmas dresses at Macy's on clearance for $3.99 each. All of their Easter dresses are so cute but soooo expensive. She especially had her heart set on a polka dot dress that reminded of the one Julia Roberts wore in Pretty Woman. It was close to $40 bucks. Anyway, I decided that Baby Girl will be oh so cute and comfortable with the cooler temperatures in one of the Christmas dresses this Easter Sunday.

Gotta love our weather!

New Blog

2009-04-07T09:11:00.002-05:00

I added a new blog to my blog list. Someone my friend works with decided to "take a break from the 'real world' and travel halfway around the world. " This brave girl left her job, friends, and family to take this once in a lifetime adventure. Check out her bl0g of travels with awesome pictures included of New Zealand and Australia.

Inner Peace

2009-03-23T21:46:00.005-05:00

I have zero inner peace today. It was the first day back from Spring Break. Kids in school should mean peaceful calm, right . . . wrong.

I just started a second round of tutoring in St. Louis so I had 20 student folders to prepare. This includes grading each test, entering into the computer, creating a learning plan, and then getting the materials ready for each student.

Yes, the tests were UPS'd to me last Thursday, so in theory I had more than enough time to have them ready to overnight on Monday for tutoring on Tuesday. In my defense, Baby Girl had a stomach bug on Friday so I wasn't able to get anything done. I ended up grading them Saturday on the way to ride ATV's. I entered them into the computer Sunday evening after church and the T-Ball coaches meeting. That left everything else to be completed on Monday all before T-Ball practice at 3:00. Can you say, stressed out!

It took me until 2:45 to get all the student folders completed. Hubby ran it to UPS for me as I bolted for the school for practice. Practice was tough. First of all, the weather wasn't cooperating. The wind must have gust up to 40 mph. The girl's attention span was non-existent. My star player, Baby Girl. had a total bad attitude and showed it throughout the entire practice. One of my assistant coaches, Dad, was a no show and my other assistant coach, my hubby, was all-around frustrated with our team's progress. Did I mention, our team is made up of 10, five, six and seven year olds who have never played softball before.

I'm blogging when I should be figuring out how I'm gonna survive the rest of the week including sending emails to lead tutors in St. Louis for tomorrow, entering all the data into the district on-line system, tutoring in town this week, volunteering for state test prep at local school for next two weeks, complete a couple of state applications (1 due on Friday), teach Baby Girl to tie her shoes which according to the note sent home today will be tested on this week and show up on her report card Friday and attend Baby Girl's basketball tournament this week at school and T-Ball practice on Thursday.

On a positive note, we are under a Tornado Watch until midnight tonight and there's golf ball size hail just to the west of us.

A friend sent me the email below on inner peace ;

Dr Phil proclaims, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Sounds good to me, maybe I can find my inner peace in the fridge and pantry too.

Junk Email

2009-03-22T21:34:00.003-05:00

I rarely forward junk email . . . I usually don't even read 'em. But lately, a few have caught my attention. Here's one, read and enjoy :-)

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one.'

Billy Joel / Elton John Concert

2009-03-17T13:08:00.003-05:00

Mom works downtown where everyone's gearing up for the big concert including the churches.
She sent me this email a few minutes ago.

The Westover Baptist church will be demonstrating carrying signs which read "God Hates Fags". What is wrong with these people? Their key scripture is John 3:16
Mom

What idiots! Let's all make our own signs "God Hates Baptists" and join the protest.

Little Man

2009-03-12T23:02:00.006-05:00

Tonight, the church where Baby Girl plays basketball hosted an end of the season banquet. We hung out eating hotdogs and hamburgers before we went to the sanctuary for the ceremony. As we grabbed a pew on the back row, hubby whispers "Here we go" as it begins. The kids former principal gives the message. I must say, if we had to sit through another "Come to Jesus" sermon, I'm glad it was him. He's so real, down to earth and very much respected in my book. In his message, he showed a video he created with his youth group. It started with 3 girls in a car, it wrecks, and they die. In the next scene they are standing before Peter and the pearly gates. In the end, two of the girl's names are found in the Book of Life and the third is not. She's then immediately grabbed by the Grim Reaper and taken to Hell. I just hate the whole fear factor approach to salvation. Little Man leaned over during the Come to Jesus Alter Call where I must say not in 3 long hymnal verses was even one person saved, and said, "Mom, I don't get it?" I put the talk off all the way home until bedtime stalling to find the right words. I'm not sure what all I said, but in the end we prayed and this is what he got out of tonight.

Out of the mouth of babes;

http://sirtalksawholelot.blogspot.com/

Shawndra Turner

2009-03-11T10:47:00.002-05:00

When we found out that mom would battle colon cancer, I spent hours researching on-line. I found several blogs that provided so much information on what we would face. Shawndra and Michele were so inspiring, I have both their blogs listed on this page. Michele's blog is titled "After the Fight" which as you can gather means she beat it. Shawndra, I believe, is victorious as well just not in the physical sense as Michele. The last few posts on her blog have been heartbreaking. Please join me in prayer for Shawndra, Doug-her husband, little Ella-her daughter, and the rest of her family as they say their goodbyes.

Redneck

2009-03-10T18:26:00.003-05:00

The loud mouth in the corner's getting to me, talking 'bout my earrings and my hair. . . guess he ain't read the signs that say I've been to prison, someone oughta warn him before I knock him off his chair. . . cuz my long hair just can't cover up my redneck, I've won every fight I ever fought...

I've never been to prison or purposely knocked anyone off their chair, although I am known as a "loud mouth" at times. Sunday, I went to church and really connected with the message on "Repent, for the time of the Lord is at Hand."

When I think of Repent, I'm reminded of the church my family attended when I was young. It was a definite religious, holy-rolling church. Although my parents were faithful members, they did not buy into all the religious rules that went with the denomination. They made sure that my brother and I knew just where they stood but when members came to our house, they did close the doors of the entertainment system to hide the tv.

As far as I can remember, most of the crazy rules were directed at women. No jewelry but I think a watch was permissible, no make-up although the Assistant Pastor's Wife looked like a ghost covered in baby powder each Sunday, no pants for women but coolots (spelling?) were allowed, no haircuts for women although I swear some had wispy bangs, these were some rules to name a few.

Mom and Dad obeyed the rules at least around church folk. Reading this, you might think "hypocrite," but I think of it like the seat belt law. You might not wear the thing if given the choice but since it's law, you obey at least if there's a cop around.

Just got sidetracked, back to Repent. I can remember Friday Night Prayer Meetings when the church would get together and "repent" for "backsliding" through the week. With all the repenting and backsliding, It didn't seem like much was gained except maybe the blessed assurance of knowing Friday's prayer meeting was just a few days away to rescue you from your backsliding ways throughout the week.

With so much emphasis on getting right at the end of each week, I worried then and sometimes even now on whether I sufficiently repented for sin no matter how great or small so that if Jesus comes tomorrow I will be lifted into the great by and by with the rest of the saints. What if I didn't remember a sin done early in the week therefore it would never make it into the sea of forgetfullness. What if I sinned and didn't even realize it was a sin, what would happen then. Oh, and repent didn't mean just ask for forgiveness, from the way I remember alot of begging, pleading, and loud wailing had to commence before the elders would give the okay by rejoicing Hallelujahs and Song.

The message this past Sunday was on Repent meaning more about changing your focus rather than the above drama. Not to say that you shouldn't ask for forgiveness but there must be something more than the above cycle. I know I 've heard messages on repentance meaning change but they always seem to fade into the shadow of the alter call at the end of the service. Does this make any sense?

So, leaving church I realized just how much all the religious mumbo jumbo in my life really clouded Him and that although I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now . . . I want to see Him clearly . . . "as my personal savior Jesus Christ" . . . just couldn't help myself, the Halftime Preacher Saturday at Baby Girl's last Basketball game must have said my personal savior a gazillion times in the 10 minute plea for all us sinners to repent and be saved.

Now, what does the title of my blog Redneck and the opening paragraph which I must give credit is David Allen Coe's song Long Haired Redneck possibly the best country song ever written, have to do with my post on repent. Well, I left church ,like Obama entered office ,riding high on the message of change, went to Baby Girl's T-Ball practice, and after 1 hour of watching my daughter stuck in center field while all the coach's kids in the infield play ball, I was closer than ever before of knocking someones teeth down their throat. How do you like that for change.

I was literally shaken with anger and when I couldn't stand it one more minute, I lunged off the bleachers and forced myself to my car to wait out the rest of the practice otherwise I could not be responsible for the words out of mouth or the physical well-being of the 4 coaches on the field. I'm sounding pretty redneck, I know. After stewing over this for several hours, my friends advised me to give it a couple of practices and see what happens. Did I mention this was only the second practice, first practice on the softball field.

You know, when I get like this I don't stop calling friends for advice until I find the one who tells me what I want to hear. So Redneck, I know. But I finally found one friend with the right advice Sunday evening and by Monday morning, I have my own T-Ball Team, problem solved.

I guess Friday night you'll find me at the prayer meeting repenting and Saturday morning coaching T-Ball.

Got Music

2009-03-03T09:40:00.002-06:00

Not sure if it adds or takes away but I read a blog that has music and kinda enjoy it.

You have contol over the boombox at the top of my blog. If you want to switch songs or stop the music all together, its' your choice.

My Cindy Lou Who

2009-03-02T20:58:00.014-06:00

It's Dr. Seuss Week at the kid's school and today they were suppose to dress up as their favorite Dr. Seuss Character. Little Man says he's way too big for dress up, but it was right down Baby Girl's alley. I decided she'd be Cindy Lou Who mainly because the costume would be the easiest to pull off considering I didn't find out about it until Sunday night at 8:00.

Okay, for those of you not well versed in Dr. Seuss, Cindy Lou Who was in the book and movie, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Truthfully, I don't remember reading the book. I think we saw the movie but I'm not sure.

Anyway, here's what I found on-line, the inspiration for our last minute attempt at a costume.

She's cute, huh. Well, Check out my little Cindy Lou Who! Baby Girl gives a whole new definition to the word cute, if I do say so myself.

She'd made Dr. Seuss himself proud!

What do you think?

The Amazing Race

2009-02-22T23:03:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting in bed blogging while my husband and I watch"The Amazing Race." We're both reality show junkies and "The Amazing Race" is one of our favorites. Yea, it would be nothing short of amazing to race around the world but my husband and I are so competitive and intense, we'd be that couple despised by America and on Dr. Phil when the race was over.

This weekend, I felt like I was running "The Amazing Race" minus my partner, airports and amazing places. The first leg of the race started Friday morning with getting the kids off for school around 8:20, I worked some on-line finding science fair project stuff for Little Man and my students I'm tutoring in town. A tutor called because he did not receive his paycheck last week. Hubby cancelled the one mailed earlier in the week and printed a new one. I promised I'd bring his check to him later in the afternoon, one more thing added to Today's To-Do list.

Challenge 1: By 10:30, I was dressed and running for school to give my daughter her lunchbox she forgot this morning. Would you believe her lunch is at 10:40, way too early. After visiting with her in the cafeteria for a few minutes, I was off and running for the store up the road for 2 liter bottles of Pepsi and Coke.

Little Man and one of my tutoring students have decided to do a Coke vs Pepsi Taste Test as their Science Fair Project. The problem we are testing is "Everyone has a favorite between Coke and Pepsi. Do they choose one over the other based on taste alone or are there other factors?" On Thursday, one of my tutoring students and I gave the taste test at his school. I'm combining those tests with today's from Little Man's school, convenient. . . I know.

Challenge 2: I made it back to the school by 11:15, met Little Man in his classroom, and we did a taste test on his class. He had his classmates fill out a questionaire putting their name, their favorite (Coke or Pepsi) and their reason why. He then gave them two Dixie Cups labeled #1 and #2 with each drink. They tasted both drinks and recorded their favorite on the questionaire. We tested people in the office, teachers in the cafeteria and stragglers in the hallway until we ran out of pop. Needing more tests, Little Man and I ran to Walmart around noon for more Pop and Dixie Cups. We were back around 12:30 and testing Class #2 by 1:00. Around 1:30, I was back home gobbling down leftover Tuna Helper and figuring the test results.

The kids at Little Man's school were surprisingly able to identify their favorite pop better then the adults we tested later over the weekend. I thought adults would beat the kids b/c we've been Pop Addicts longer.

Anyway, hubby entered his motorcycle in a car show and wouldn't be home for the kids after school. I had to be at the school where I tutor at 3:15. I promised the tutoring kids that I would help them finish up their science projects. Up until this week, I've never done a Science Fair Project but now I'm making up for it by doing 4 in one week.

Challenge 3: I picked the kids up early from school around 2:30. I ran across town to drop off the teacher's check from this morning, and then flew to meet the tutoring kids. By 3:25, I was knee deep in projects. Even when good, there's nothing more stressful than trying to juggle your own kids at work. Two hours, three projects and a dozen pictures drawn by my kids later, I was back in the car driving to meet hubby for dinner (I had grilled chicken and grilled veggies, good dinner choice) and then home for the official Pit Stop of the night.

Okay, the second leg starts Saturday morning. We made it to the donut store just before they closed as hubby heads for his car show. (Sorry weight loss buddy, I'd need sugar to make it through this day)

Challenge 1: The kids and I met Grandma, Paw Paw, and Great Grandma at the basketball game at 11:00. As Baby Girl warmed up for her game, Little Man and I setup a table at the entrance to the gym to do more taste testing. After the game, I finished the taste test as Little Man went with Paw Paw to Hubby's Car Show and Little Girl went with a friend to a T-Ball Meeting.

Roadblock: (A series of tasks to be completed alone before coninuing the race) By 12:45, I had wrapped up the test at the gym, raced home to get the checkbook for the T-Ball entrance fee and Baby Girl's Birth Certificate that I had forgot this morning and then rescued the puppy from the crate. By 1:00, the dog and I are racing to the T-Ball Meeting. T-Ball is going to be fun. Their team name is Xtreme, their colors are purple and green, and Baby Girl is #1, too cool.

Challenge 3: We left the meeting around 2:30, took the dog to Mom's, and made it home to get ready for the 1st of 3 birthday parties over the weekend. The slumber party starts at 4:00 just enough time for her to shower, eat lunch and pack. After the party, I dropped by Mom's to pick up the dog and hang out for just a bit, and then went home to work on the Science Fair Project.

Little Man made it home from the Car Show and Monster Truck Races around 7:30. We continued to work on the project for an hour, watched TV and then crash in bed for the night's mandatory pit stop.

Third Leg: Sunday morning,

Challenge 1: I gave the dog a bath,

Challenge 2: showered, and

Challenge 3: was out the door to get more Pop, pickup Baby Girl from the sleepover party and drop puppy off with Mom. (Everything is a challenge this morning becuase I have a headache and Hubby is at Car Show)

Challenge 4: We make it to church 1 hour late and tested everyone as they came out of service. Then back in the car running for the car show to drop Little Man off for more Motorcycle and Monster Truck Fun as Baby Girl and I grab presents at Target and run for a hotel across town for Party #2. We ate pizza and then did cake, icecream, and presents.

Roadblock: The kids head for hotel pool as I run to the mall down the road to get a Christmas Dress I've been waiting to go 75% off at Macy's. I grabbed the dress, pruse through the clearance rack, check out and make it back to the party within 45 minutes.

Challenge 5: At 3:30, I finally get Baby Girl out of the pool and in the car heading for Pary #3 (another pool party, I might add) located out of town. It starts at 4:00, we made it there by 4:20. Once again, did the whole cake, icecream, and present thing, then the kids are in the pool.

Challenge 6: At 6:15, we're back in the car racing back to town to pickup Little Man from the car show. Hubby says he'll be out there late because of the Awards Ceremony and then loading everything up afterwards. So, I made it there around 6:45,

Challenge 7: hit the McDonald's drive thru (sorry again weight loss partner) , eat dinner in the car, pickup the puppy at Mom's, and home by 7:30.

Challenge 8: Unloaded the car which looked like we'd been living in it for a month, put everything away, got showers, worked on the project a few minutes (we tested over 100 people this weekend), played with the puppy, brushed teeth and

Challenge 9, 10, 11, 12. . . : Kids in the bed by 9:00. This was definitely the most difficult task of the weekend.

It's after 2:00 AM, I'm still blogging totally wired from left over Pepsi and Coke, wondering how I'll make it through this coming week. Again, too much to do . . . not enough time to do it. No, Birthday parties so far, Thank Heavens!

Hubby's car show is over, thank God! Hubby's motorcycle won Best in Class. I'm trying to be happy for him but really feel that I deserve the flippin' award. I'm the one who raced all over God's creation this weekend.

I'd however settle for a piece of the Great Wall of Chocolate from P.F. Changs or the 7-Layer Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, I'm starving !

Less is More

2009-02-15T18:42:00.002-06:00

I've really thought about a friend's post titled Ignore Your Children. Her post spoke volumes to me especially after the mess I created on Friday night. The trend in parenting these days is everything you do as a parent should totally center around your children. I know that I, but strangely enough not my husband, have felt the need to throw myself into my kids my every waking moment.. Whenever I'm going to the store for groceries, to the mall to check out sales, or anywhere in between, I must take the kids with me or at least ask if they want to go. The answer is usually, "Yes" and so off I go, kids in tow. When I don't offer to take them, I feel guilty. Right now sitting on the couch typing this and watching Amazing Race on TV, both kids have already asked several times if they can sit by me. This is one of the few times I've said no. Usually, I have them on either side fighting over who has more of me. The guilt of not making everything or at least most about them can be intense. Yep, this blog has really got me thinking. Check it out.

http://writtenwordlover.blogspot.com/2009/02/ignore-your-children.html

Friday 13th

2009-02-14T15:24:00.006-06:00

What a day! Could there have been a worse day, I doubt it.

I went to the school early to help with the Valentine's Day parties. I met another parent in the cafeteria and we proceeded to decorate the cafeteria where Little Man's party would be held. We made a backdrop in pink and red hearts where each 3rd grader will have their picture made with a parent, grandparent, etc... We designed a bulletin board with each 3rd graders' baby picture brought earlier in the week. Oohing and Awing at all those pictures had me remembering when Little Man was in diapers so cute but thank God we're past that. While decorating, Baby Girl's class came in for lunch, she was excited to see me. Little Man's class came a little later as we were finishing up. He didn't eat much of his pizza so I offered to take him to Sonic. I was hungry too. So, the day didn't start off half bad, but just wait.

Mom took off work to come help with the school parties. I went with Little Man and she with Baby Girl. His party was a tea party theme. There were heart shaped center arrangements on each table, place setting and name cards to show everyone where to sit. They had a buffet of veggies, fruits, little heart shaped sandwiches, cookies, cupcakes, punch, and more. For a school cafeteria, it was beautiful. They played soft music for added effect, it was really nice. Each 3rd grader wrote an essay for their guest and stood front and center with a microphone to read it. Little Man also made me a Valentine's Card which read, "I love you Mom. Your as sweet as Cotton Candy. There's no Mom like you . . ." Sounds like a horrible day, huh. Keep reading, it's coming!

After the parties were over, I checked with Mom to see how Baby Girl's party went. She said it was good but Baby Girl was upset that she didn't get a Balloon and stuffed animal like some of the other kids. I had gone into the office earlier in the day and seen all the flowers and balloon bouquets delivered for the kids at the school. I've never liked that part of Valentine's Day even when I was teaching, more show than displays of love. I had no idea that some of the stuff were going to the girls in her class. I mean, they're in Kindergarten for crying out loud!

When walking the kids home, I was rushing towards the house strategically carrying a carton of melting ice cream that I'd taken to her party earlier. I should have trashed it there but didn't. Anyway, Baby Girl began complaining, "Why aren't you walking beside me?" Both the kids do this all the time. They argue over who sits by me at dinner, who holds my hand when walking in the mall, who sits in the front seat of my car, who gets to talk more in conversations, who gets to help with dinner, who gets more hugs and time when they go to bed and on and on and on. Anyway, I got pretty upset.

Talking to hubby at home, I complained that Mom took off work to go to Baby Girl's party and Baby Girl showed her appreciation by complaining that Nana didn't bring a balloon and stuffed animal. Continuing along that train of thought, I began analyzing her personality and which side of the family it must come from. (Thin Ice) Is she so selfish and self-centered that she did not appreciate mom being there? She gets that princess, even diva attitude that the world revolves around her. Going from bad to worse, hubby says that he didn't know why I was getting all worked up, there's not a female out there who doesn't get upset when another gets flowers and she doesn't. I'm so NOT nor have EVER been That Female! Grrrrrr. Truth be known, I never really liked Valentine's Day and now I'm ready to petition it be Ban!

Little Man had basketball games all week long. There were games Tuesday night, Wednesday morning, and Thursday night. You can really tell which kids have played ball before and who has not. Little Man is in the Not category so this afternoon I thought I'd work to improve his basketball skills in the driveway. Where this should have been a time spent enjoying each other while throwing the ball around, I became a drill Sergeant, hell bent on improving his skills so he'd do better in the next game. Ouch, what kind of mom or even person does that make me? If he doesn't care about his ability level but just enjoys being on the team, shouldn't that be good enough for me? Right or probably more wrong, I've always been competitive so I don't really understand him not being the same.

Later that night, Baby Girl went to basketball practice and I took Little Man to his first school dance. This is where it gets really ugly. Proceed with caution, if you ever saw me as a good Mom that image is about to be blasted in the next few paragraphs.

To begin with, Little Man really didn't act interested in going to the dance in the first place. I thought he was just apprehensive because he thought it would be a romantic, slow dancing with girls scene. I knew the dance would be more of games and fun with minimal actual dancing. I was right. There were 3rd thru 6th graders there running around playing and having fun. Alot of kids from Little Man's class were there. I made my way over to the bleachers where some of the parents sat and here comes Little Man. I began suggesting to him, go find your friends, go play, go have fun. He stayed right by my side. One of the kids on his basketball team said "Hi" in passing, Little Man didn't say anything. I got onto him for being rude. He does this alot. We'll see kids in town, they'll say "Hi" and Little Man won't say a word. A couple of girls from his class came over to us sitting in the bleachers and tried to get Little Man up, but he refused. I began insisting in so many words that he take part in the dance festivities which mainly comprised of kids running around acting goofy. He dug in 100 percent and sat by my side.

I was a little embarrassed because he's the only kid clinging to Mama at the dance. Embarrassment faded to flat out mad so I demanded that he have fun or else! Plan A wasn't working so I changed tactics. I told him that I had to go get sister and would be back in a few minutes. With me not there, I thought he'd definitely jump in with Every other kid there. Baby Girl finally got home from basketball practice and really wanted to go with me to the dance. We made it back to the gym within 30 minutes. Little Man is in panic mode now asking "Where have you been, I've looked everywhere for you?" He's made himself sick by now saying he has bathroom issues and wants to go home. Thinking he's faking, we stay at the dance. Baby Girl finds a couple of her friends from class and begins bee bopping around the gym as Little Man and I sit in the bleachers. There were 115 kids at the dance and Little Man could not find one kid to join in with.

I sent him home a few minutes before Baby Girl and I finally left the school. When I walked in the front door, Little Man is hugging the toilet throwing up and wailing. I lost it. Yelling "You've made yourself sick, what is going on, do you not have friends at the school, do you need counseling" and so forth as he stared up at me in total shock. I thought we were so past Kindergarten when his teacher said he had social issues and such. It's been 3 years and a new school since then, he couldn't have the same problems. He is far from a shy, quiet kid. In fact, he's just the opposite! He talks all the time, never shuts up, fights for the center of attention at home, so I just concluded based on tonight's performance that any social problems had to be his fault b/c he wasn't trying at school. I mean, I've done my part trying to help him break through social barriers with my time at the school, things like a swimming pool and 4-wheelers bound to make him the envy of the neighborhood. It's ugly I know but it's the truth.

Here's more ugly truths. Of course I want my kids to fit in and be liked, who doesn't? Only after talking to a friend did I realize the evident. My reaction to this whole dance thing is my own insecurity about not fitting in and being liked. I'm always sec0nd guessing myself with friends wondering if after a conversation or hanging out, they are going to come to their senses and end the friendship. And even more, if I perceive that someone is not interested in being my friend or doesn't invite me in their circle, I fall back to that adolescent desperately wanting to be liked and fit in instead of a more healthy approach of who cares. I'm forced to be a People Pleaser at all costs, and it sucks! If my kids are secure in themselves and do not feel this need, THANK GOD!

As we both cried, I tried to explain this to him and apologize for the night.

I've often thought, "If I only knew then what I know now . . ." Turns out I still don't know a thing!

Let them play Basketball

2009-02-08T22:55:00.009-06:00

How can we sing the LORD'S song In a foreign land? Psalm 137:4.

Baby Girl is playing basketball in a church league called Upward Bound. I really enjoy taking her to the practices, I love the parents I've met, and everyone (me, hubby, grandma, paw paw, nana, and grandpa) love her games. She's playing with Pre-K and Kindergartners. They forget to dribble alot and run the wrong way at times. Baby Girl and a few others on her team are actually pretty good for their size. They score 5+ baskets each game, hustle up and down the court, play great defense . . . I just love all of it!

Well almost all of it, I don't love that at halftime a member of the church gets up to "talk about the Lord" and offer everyone salvation tracks. GRRRrrrrr. I'm a believer and the brief sermons crawl all over me, I can't imagine how the nonbelievers feel.

This past game, this guy gets up and talks about "his best friend Jesus". Over 20 long minutes, he miraculously got in all the key Baptist points including; Jesus knocked on the door of his heart (as he knocks on the microphone for full effect), He gave his life to Christ, gave up smoking and drinking b/c you can't do that and be saved at the same time, more God is knocking, the protection from the hand of God will be taken away if you don't answer the door (a little fear factor), God is still knocking as he knocks harder on the microphone to try to recover the attention of his audience. Blah, blah, blah and then last but not least offers the sacred salvation track.

A few Sundays ago at my church, we talked about "How can we sing the Lord's Song in a foreign land?"

This church has no clue. They are no more reaching those people at the game than they are flying to the moon. They might as well be in a foreign land or another planet like Mars. It's not coming across real as they talk about their relationship with Jesus. Dad says that they are not doing it to reach the flock at the game but only for themselves. Them working out their religion, drives me crazy!

They would do so much better by having members of the church come to the games or even better yet practices to hang out and talk with us sinners about our kids, the basketball game, things going on in the community, anything but those damn tracks. After they make a connection, then they can pursue "the Lord's Song." You know, wine and dine first.

Maybe mingling with members is not even needed. Upward Bound has brought all sorts of people from the community to the church to watch their kids play basketball. The gym is always packed with proud parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts cheering on their kids. The league is a total success. I know all of us parents appreciate the work the church has put into this first year of Upward Bound. If I was in the market for a new church, I would definitely consider them for that reason alone. But they have to go off and ruin it with their religious halftime babble, sinner's prayer, and tracks.

My husband did not grow up in church and before me hasn't had much experience with church. He has mentioned that before we were married, he was approached at different times by churches trying to save him. One particular time, he was working in the yard putting up a fence. While driving fence posts into the ground and stringing barbwire in the heat of the summer sun, he had a few from a local church drive up dressed in old-fashioned suits and dresses wanting to "visit and share the Good News with him." If they really wanted to share some good news they would have offered to help him with the fence. HELLO!

Man, they make us all look bad. Are they total idiots? Learn how to "Sing the Song of the Lord in a foreign land!"

Bedtime

2009-02-08T21:25:00.004-06:00

Tonight I went to tuck Little Man in for the night. Giving in, I got in bed with him for a few minutes. He asked, "Mom, will you pray with me." He bowed his head and began. "God, thank you for all the food, thank you for my new puppy, thank you for the Spelling Bee (he won the Spelling Bee last week), thank you for a wonderful mom to help me study and for a mean dad that makes me study . . . please help me stop biting my fingernails so I can get an Ipod and not just for that but because it's bad for me. Amen" Then he asked, "Mom, you know what's the last thing I want to do. . . what I asked. . . Grow Up. . . I think it's more funner being a kid." I agreed, kissed his cheek, and then snuggled him up for the night. Sweet boy!

Silly Kids

2009-01-04T22:57:00.003-06:00

Just before Christmas, we were in Colorado. The guys went out to eat while Baby Girl and I decided to eat at the condo and later hit the hot tub. While relaxing in the tub, Baby Girl started asking me, "Mom did you know that a long, long time ago God came to earth to save us. He died for us and then went back to heaven. Did you know that Mom? When he was here, his name was Henry but now his name is God."

On the trip, Little Man said that he loved me so much, he loved me a google. Not to be outdone, Baby Girl chimed in "Mom I love you so much, I love you a giggle!"

Little Man's been blogging more than me. Although I tell him all the time what a good writer he is, he doesn't believe me. If you haven't lately, check out his blog;

http://www.sirtalksawholelot.blogspot.com/

This Weekend

2008-12-07T23:58:00.003-06:00

Mom and dad are on a 7 day cruise. Friday night, we went by their house to say goodbye. Mom has been shopping over the last couple of weeks. Most of the clothes in her closet totally swallow her. She excitedly showed off all her new finds. She even dug some clothes out of her packed suitcase. She looks great in her size 4 clothes and lucky for me, I can wear most of them. (A little tighter fit than her) She commented that she has gained a pound or two . . . please.

They were both excited about the trip, been a long time coming. I hope they have the best time ever. After this summer, they need it.

Little Man's Birthday was this weekend. He turned 10 (still doesn't sound right). He wanted a big birthday party like Little Girl had a month ago. I wasn't sure if it was going to happen, everyone is so busy this time of year.

Thursday before his Saturday party, I knew 7 kids were coming. We had sent invitations out to everyone in his class (around 20) Only 1 from his class had RSVP. I knew Little Man would be disappointed if more didn't show from his class so I decided to send another invitation (reminder) out on Friday. Hubby said that I was being overbearing . . . not me. The one mom who RSVP said that her daughter had just given her the invitation that had been sent out the week before. So I figured the rest of the class probably had not given their parents the invitation, they are 3rd graders after all. Friday, we had a couple more RSVP and by Saturday morning, the birthday was a go with 13 confirmed.

I rushed around Saturday morning getting everything ready. I planned for 15 just in case and then 19 kids showed. It was a success although I did have to improvise with extra goodie bags.

The details of the party will have to wait for a later post, I'm crashing fast. But before I sign off.

Little Girl was in the shower, daddy was on cleaning detail. Little Girl has a mild soap for sensitive areas and a stronger soap for the rest of her body. A few minutes into her shower she yells, "DAD, I need some more Booty Soap!"

At Little Man's party, she got a whoopee cushion in her goodie bag (luck of the draw). So for the past couple of days, she's been carrying it around asking everyone with a sweet smile on her face, "You wanna hear me poot." I bet she'll ask to take it to Show and Tell next week, great.

Belle's Poem

2008-12-02T22:23:00.002-06:00

Do you just have the feeling that something is wrong?That pain in your gut is a little too strong?Do you find that there’s blood leaking out your back door?Is it just IBS or could it be something more?Is it hemorrhoids or crohns or even UC?Or could it be, would it be the really “BIG C”Well pick up the phone, don’t waste any time;If you don’t have a doctor then you can call mine.And schedule the procedure that everyone fears;With the lights and the camera’s but no need for tears.For you’re out like a light in the dead of the night;And with the drugs that they give you there’s no need for fright.It’s the prep that’s a hassle - the procedure is notAnd after the scope is when you’ll learn a lot.But good news or bad there’s one place you can goTo the Colon Club Forum where all the folks knowCause they’ve been there before and they know what it’s likeTo wake up in the middle of a long lonely night.They’re there to give help, they’re there for supportThey’re there when you need them when others may not.They’ll help with advice or a shoulder to cry onThe Colon Club Forum – you can always rely on.

BelleDX 10/07 Stage III Colorectal CancerSurgery 11/17/0727 of 38 nodes affected10 rounds of FOLFOX; 2 rounds of Xeloda30 radiation treatments with 5FU pump 24/744 Years Old - NED!!!!!

Roses are redViolets are blueI love your poemAbout colons and poo....Love it.jamiana

Testament of Love

2008-10-23T21:23:00.003-05:00

Mom had a doctor's appt. on Tuesday. The wait was pretty tough, sitting in the waiting room scanning the faces of those fighting their way through chemo. Trying to keep small talk going with mom to pass the time while recognizing our worst fear in the faces of others in the room.

Finally, the nurse called us back to the examining room. She checked Mom's weight (no more weight loss, yea), checked her vitals, and asked about her medications. When she finished and left the room, the wait and small talk continued.

The doctor finally came in, welcomed each of us with handshakes and smiles, and then cut straight to the chase. The last scan showed absolutely no tumor, no suspicious lymph nodes, and absolutely no cancer. He ended the appt by saying Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! No more appointments until next year.

God is so good. His love surrounds us even when we think not. He saw us through some pretty dark times this past summer. A friend gave me a song that has been with me for some time now;

You're not alone, for I am here. Let me wipe away your every tear. My love, I never left your side, I saw you through your darkest night. I'm the One that's loved you all your life.

By His Stripes, we are healed. Thank you Jesus for your amazing love.

When I was 18

2008-09-23T10:05:00.004-05:00

Below is an email I received a few days ago. It brought back so many great memories.

When I was 18 yrs old, my goal was to eliminate all prejudice and racism starting in Jackson, Tn and then in the world. I attended a COGIC church (Church of God in Christ), one of the largest black Christian denominations in the world. With me attending, the church was integrated and that was a start towards my colorblind world. (I really thought I was something, huh)

Anyway, I got involved in the youth program and attempted to really impact their lives. Truth is, they impacted my life more than I ever impacted their lives.

We put on a play at the church. The play was "Down by the Creek Bank" written by Dottie Rambo. It was a play my brother and I did at the old Pentecostal church we attended as kids. It's about as country as you can get. Before my kids, I considered those kids and that play my biggest accomplishment.

We had a gazillion play practices leading up to the big night. After practice, I would load as many kids as I could (12 plus) inside my car. When seats were full with bodies, I 'd open my hatchback and pile more in. I'd take them home. Many lived in a project, one considered the worst in Jackson. There was only one street in and out, it would make a big loop, one way. I might be scared now thinking of the area, insurance, kids not in seat belts and more, but it didn't phase me then.

While I loved them all, one particular little girl stole my heart. She was incredibly cute but even more than that had the biggest personality I'd ever seen. I brought her home with me to Tulsa for a couple of weeks. She said that when she grew up she was going to go to Oral Roberts University. We took her to Lake Keystone, just had so much fun with her. I remember sitting on my bed with her and my mom looking at her hair after a day spent on the lake. She was passing out from a day of fun in the sun as Mom and I tried to brush her hair. She looked like Buckwheat by the time we gave up and called a friend to help.

I often thought about her through the years. I can't tell you how excited I am that she and her family are doing so well. Check out the email below.

Hi Pastor and First Lady,

I hope this email finds you and the family in good health and basking in the joy of the lord. I hope you remember me. I had a chance to write you a while back saying hello. I was looking on the COGIC website and I thought of you and First Lady Porter. I remember all the times my family would come over and fellowship with you all. I just wanted to give you an update on myself and family since we haven't had a chance to come visit; however I do hope to come visit soon.

I graduated May 10, 2008 with a Bachelors of Science Degree in Information Systems with a concentration in Systems Development and Analysis. I currently work for AT&T as a Project Manager in IL (Northwest Suburb of Chicago).

You know I was a little girl when we moved away from Jackson and I'm now 21. It's been a great year for me but also one of my most difficult ones because I'm really growing up. I graduated, started a career, moved into an apartment, and purchased a car. I've been making adult decisions and learning to trust God. I was very scared and nervous about working in a Corporate environment and being in the 'Real World' but God has comforted me so much and is helping me though the process. I really miss being at home but it shows that I'm really maturing and developing into a beautiful Woman of God.

I plan on attending graduate school next fall to earn a MBA and eventually I want to start a nonprofit organization on the Southside of Chicago. My ultimate goal and passion in life is to help people and work for the ministry. So, now I've been saving and networking with different people so I can really do the outreach that I love to do.

My mother is doing great. She's working hard as always and still involved in the church. She's our Sunday School Superintendent. My sisters are growing up as well. This year my mother will have a 22 year old, 19 yr old, and 17 yr old. We all attend the same church, so I get to see them on weekends.

My sister is a sophomore in college majoring in Pre-Vet and the baby is a junior in High School. She really enjoys singing. Well, I wanted to stay in touch with you and First Lady and hopefully we will get to visit soon. I love you all and I will continue to pray for you all as well. A big hug from me to you all!

LIttle Man

2008-09-23T09:57:00.002-05:00

Little Man always says things clear out of left field. I'm sure he gets it from me, but it's weird being on the receiving end of it.

Sometimes it's good. After listening to me sing a song he has said, "Mom, you should go on American Idol!"

Sometimes, it's bad. This weekend he asked, "Mom, a long time ago when you were young, did you have a skinny waist?"

Grrrrr

On the Colon Club

2008-09-04T00:24:00.002-05:00

After Mom's appt last week, I posted on the Colon Club. I just love Bradyr and Belle, they always respond to my posts. I'm so glad they were there, then and now.

Hello
by momsCancer on Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:55 am
it's really been a while since I've checked in here. Mom's healing up from treatment and I've jumped back into my family, job, and life. She had a PET Scan and we met with the doctor on Tues. He showed us the before and after pics. You could really see the tumor from the pics in April and then absolutely nothing lit up from the last scans. YIPPEE! She's going to have a scope done in a couple of weeks just for a closer look. But PET Scan of colon look good!!! So, as terrible as the treatment was (terrible's not even a strong enough word), looks like it totally did it's thing!We could tell the doctor had a scans look good . . .BUT coming. Sure enough, the doctor said that a couple of lymph nodes in Mom's chest were lit up. He said that it could be anything inflammation from a cold (she's not noticed being sick but who knows). He doesn't think it's the cancer. He said that's a long jump from the colonrectal to the chest. It wouldn't make sense for it to be the cancer, since when does cancer make sense? So another 6 week wait for another PET Scan then 2 more weeks to see the doctor, basically won't know anything for 2 months. I almost wish he would not have said anything about the lit up lymph nodes in her chest. She left the doctor's office in tears. She wanted it to be done, no more tests, no more cancer, no more doc appts, etc... I followed her to her house and stayed with her as she cried until I could talk her into going for icecream, (my cure-all drug). She's still nauseous 24/7. The only thing that works is a suppository that knocks her out. When she wakes up, she's not nauseous for a little while. She's so tired of being sick. Fatigue is still a problem. She eats very little and then pays for it a day or two later. So, it's like she eats (like a bird ) 1 day and then pays for it in diarrhea and nausia and doesn't eat for 2 days following. She's lost alot of weight. The diarrhea is a problem. Just Monday at work, she didn't make it to the bathroom and it went through her clothes. Wow! I had dreams Monday night of coming here and posting she's dancing with NED and maybe she is, guess we won't know 100 percent for a few more weeks.
MOM has Stage 2 Anal Cancer on chemo (5-FU and Mitomycin-C) for 6 weeks. Looking to vent and give/receive support. My blog address is;www.onecrazeemommy.blogspot.comI should change the name to one crazee daughter, I think.
momsCancer

Posts: 45
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Website

Re: Hello
by NWgirl on Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:18 pm
Thank you for the update. I have been wondering about her and how you are both doing. I wish she was doing better - but I'm glad there has been at least some improvement. Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
BelleDX 10/07 Stage III Colorectal CancerSurgery 11/17/0727 of 38 nodes affected10 rounds of FOLFOX; 2 rounds of Xeloda30 radiation treatments with 5FU pump 24/744 Years Old - NED!!!!!
NWgirl

Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:24 am
Location: Battle Ground, Washington

Re: Hello
by bradyr on Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:31 pm
don't lose hope. It's very likely that the doctor is right... that this isn't cancer at all. I've had little thinks like this light up before, they disapeared next scan. but, part of the bad of this illness is the uncertainty. It's very hard to live with, but that's what you have. The good news is that the response has been excellent. Worse case, there is no reason that these additional problems couldn't be taken care of, but you don't have worry about any additional treatments for at least two months.but as well as she responded, it sounds like the doctor feels good taht this nothing. He had to tell you because he has to disclose everything) but he was confient to tell you he didn't think it was cancer. A lot of times if the doctor has doubt he won't say that - just that we have to wait and see.so, I have a good feeling about this - I say screw the possible problem - go ahead and declare yourself done with this and - let tommorow (or in this case two months from now take care of itself in due time). but until then, put this out of your head and just celebrate beating this cancer.
bradyrDX Stage IV 2/07 mets liver/bone/brain/spleencolon resection 3wks radiation for bone metsfolfox4 + Avastin 6m/Xeloda for 4mGamma Knife brain lesion 1/08Now on FolFiri 12 of 15CEA 11 down from 49 2wks agoSIRT Spheres r-lobe 7/24 l-lobe 8/19
bradyr

Posts: 852
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2007 8:19 pm
Location: Redmond, Wa

Mom Hit the Mall

2008-09-03T23:39:00.002-05:00

Mom's getting better and better. This past weekend, she went shopping and bought new clothes. Sunday, I swung by the house to check out her new duds. I'm going to borrow her new suit, if I can squeeze into it.

She still has rotten days, bathroom issues occasionally, and pretty persistent nausea but in Dad's words, "She's turn the corner." Thank you, God.

I cleaned out my purse today. Way past due. I found a blog I'd written at a doctor's appt a while ago. It goes like this;

In talking to a friend, I realized. . . it's not the Cancer. It's the loss of control. I really couldn't see it before. What is my deal? I really need to get a grip!

I thought I was stronger than this, much more capable. This might be extremely naive, but I honestly lived almost 37 years thinking that life makes since. You know, good things happen to good people. . . the early bird gets the worm. . . if you think you can, you can. . .and so on. . .

The realization that, that's not always true has me in pieces.

I know, pretty pathetic, huh. Not sure why I decided to post it now, but there it is.

I'm in St. Louis, hubby is driving back from Kansas City, and the kids are with Grandma and Paw Paw. I miss them.

She's So Cute

2008-08-30T11:08:00.007-05:00

Coming home from St. Louis last Friday night, I stopped by a friends house to pick up her daughter for a sleepover. She was sitting on the front porch with her mama packed and ready to go. She gets in the car as I talk to her mom for just a few minutes. She starts humming, a subtle "okay, anyday now tune. . ." Taking the hint, I give my friend a hug, get in the car, and head home.

It's about a 15 minute drive to the house so I struck up a conversation with Blondie. So, "Are you ready to go" as I back out of the driveway. Her reply with attitude was "YES, I AM!" Smiling I asked, "How was your day at school" she began talking and didn't stop until we pulled in the driveway.

I should take this girl with me to St. Louis. She's so entertaining! Jumping subject to subject all the way home, she had me cracking up.

She said school was great, her teacher is Mrs. McCreedy. Switching gears she let me know she packed her own bag for the sleepover. She said she had her favorite toy. . . 2 of them, a glidescope. I asked, "A Glidescope, what's that?" She said, you know you look through it and see beautiful shapes and colors as you turn it. She went on and said she had her pj's, a webkinz, a new toothbrush, and her notebooks. Then she started describing all the pictures in her notebook. In describing 1 pic, she said, "This is a picture of me with a brain and here's a picture of me with long hair." I ask, "No brain?" Her reply, "Nope, . . . just long hair."

She said she had a purse that she got on her date with daddy. They went to an expensive restaurant for ravioli's but not the kind she likes. She kept talking and before I knew it, we pulled in the driveway.

Later that night, Daddy and I had to get on Baby Girl. Not sure if she was just tired or what, but she was really fussy and whiny acting. As I walked back into Baby Girl's room, I told Blondie, "Sorry to leave you in here by yourself. We had to talk to Baby Girl, does your Mommy and Daddy ever have to do that?" She said, "Not at night." I smiled and said, "You must be perfect." She said, "Yes, well almost." Chuckling as Baby Girl walks into the room, I ask if they were ready for bed. They both said, "NO!" Blondie said she wants to stay up and party all night and then sleep all day in the pool.

They went to sleep at midnight and were up by 7. This girl, she's cute as a button with her bright blond hair, big attitude, and non-stopping confidence.

Saturday, her big brother and little sister joined us for a few hours. That made a total of 6 kids (mine, hers, and Little Man's Best Friend) and I'm happy to report. . . I did not lose my mind. They were actually really good.

Big Brother was really sweet in the pool watching out for his two little sisters. Little Sister is all things baby even though she's 3. She's tiny, talks baby talk, and has the sweetest smile ever. She kept telling me she wanted her "Shoes." I brought them to her but Big Sis finally interpreted, "She wants juice." When Little Sister had to go to the bathroom, I lifted her onto the toilet seat and just about threw her through the roof. When I lift Baby Girl, I really have to put some umph into it. This little girl weighs nothing.

It was a great Friday Sleepover and Saturday Play Date!

Clean Colon

2008-08-26T16:49:00.002-05:00

Have to make this really quick.

Doctor said that tumor is gone and no cancer detected in the colon. Praise God!

Suspicious areas light up on a PET Scan. There's nothing lit up down under. There were a few lymph nodes lit up in her chest. He says the PET Scan pics itself were not great. The lit up areas probably is nothing, maybe inflammation from a cold (she hasn't been sick though).

The gastro doc yesterday scheduled another scope just to make sure colon is good. The onc. doc today scheduled another PET Scan in 6 weeks to check out areas that lit up and just another overall look.

She's upset. She wanted a 100% clean bill of health.

I believe she is cancer-free. Please pray that she believes too.

No Tumors Today!

2008-08-25T15:45:00.004-05:00

Mom went to the gastro doctor today. He was the doc that did the colonoscopy and found the tumor back in April. He checked her out and said that he did NOT feel a tumor! (WHAHOO!!!)

She weighed in at 109 pds today. We've spent the past couple of months trying to answer the following questions. Why is she so nauseous, sick and tired? Is it physical, mental, emotional. . . . is she depressed, does she have a fear of food, a fear of medicine. . . why can't she eat, why is her stomach so messed up, when will the diarrhea stop, will life ever be like before? . . . just to name a few.

She talked to the doctor about all the above issues. He wasn't surprised at all, he said that it's all just part of it. He went on to say that she'll figure out how to eat, when to eat, what to eat and I guess slowly but surely it'll get better.

Thank God for Good News Today! We're all ready for more tomorrow!

A few weeks ago I was talking to a good friend from Memphis, Shoot, it was more like complaining to her. Life post chemo and radiation was not as I planned. In fact, it's been totally opposite, a real downer. During treatment, she needed me for everything. I knew exactly what to do. We had a routine, even when things were really bad, I could figure it out. To save my life, I can't figure this out and I don't know what to do? My friend told me to be patient and stand in the gap for mom. On the spiritual and patient side of things, I'm not so good. Not sure exactly why that's the case. It's hard not to fall apart at church, in the car, whenever, wherever. It's all so overwhelming and just flat out hurts. I was telling another friend who told me to pray that what could I say to God that He doesn't already know? I want my mom to get better. . . I don't understand why it happened in the first place. . . You know how much I love her. . . Is it a matter of faith, a lesson to be learned, a test of the emergency broadcast system. . . Yes, I'm a little angry and He knows, He knows all of it so what's the point of letting it out. It just brings tears, snot, and still no answers. She said, "Yes, He does know but the reason for praying aloud is not for Him but for me." Makes sense and so I'm working on that.

So where I couldn't and still can't be there spiritually for her, thank you all for taking up the slack. Below is an email Mom sent to a friend. I loved his response which was in big, bold, blue and red text. I tried to copy it to my blog but the color, font and such didn't transfer.

Went to one dr & he said he no longer felt the tumor. Just need to get a good PET scan result tomorrow from the oncologist. Have lost 20 lbs - down to 110. Wouldn't recommend this diet plan to any one. Still having trouble eating. The whole digestion thing is strange to my body. Will be glad when that passes too. Hope all is well with you both. Carol

HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LIVING GOD WHO FORGIVES OUR INIQUITIES AND HEALS ALL OUR DISEASES. HE MAKES AN UTTER END OF IT AND IT SHALL NOT RETURN.I speak forth rapid healing and restoration from all the evil side effects. I say NO MORE tumors in your body!KEEP THE FAITH! David

PET Scan

2008-08-19T08:53:00.002-05:00

Mom has a PET Scan this morning at 9:15. We won't know anything until her doc. appt. on August 26th. The wait stinks. Please pray for a clean bill of health and peace as we wait.

Summer's Gone

2008-08-13T22:00:00.006-05:00

It's back to school and work tomorrow. Baby Girl is so excited. She put much thought into her new backpack, lunchbox, and even clothes for the first 2 days of school. I found the cutest dress with matching stockings at Target (I love that store!) and amazingly was able to sway her into choosing the dress over the Hanna Montana T-Shirts. Hubby and I steered away from all things Bratz, even when Little Girl was tempted by her friend down the street. We've bypassed all princess shirts or the big attitude ones like "It's All About Me" and such. Hubby was already to do the same with Hanna Montana but I just couldn't. I've never seen her Disney show or listened to her songs, but the clothes are cute. It's been fun shopping with Little Girl for all things Hanna Montana.

Little Man dreads going back to school. He wants to protest the school, state, Washington, anyone about the corrupt system making summers shorter and shorter each year. He spent all night discussing this travesty. He did get a little excited about his new tennis shoes(Hi-Top Converse like what I wore in the early 80's) , but besides that he's pretty much bummed. Like me, he struggles with change. He's a creature of habit and rarely likes any break from routine. Last night he woke up a couple times feeling nauseous.

Me, I'm pretty much like Little Man, not ready to let summer go. Several of my friends are passed ready for their kids to head back to school, not me I don't want them to go. As if the kids first day of school is not enough, tomorrow I have to drive 6 hours to attend 7 school functions. Even with help, it will be a miracle if I'm able to pull it off. So, I'm just overall stressed, depressed, and all-around bummed.

Mom has more bad days than good. She isn't eating and although the scale doesn't show she's loss more weight (I checked it out myself), she looks tiny. She's nauseous all the time. She uses a suppository (can't think of the name of it but it's not much more than a strong antihistamine). It totally takes away the nausea but it also totally knocks her out. So, basically she's drugged in the bed or up, sober, and sick. Her next PET Scan is August 19th. She'll meet with the doctor on August 26th. Doesn't that stink? We'll once again be left to sit, wonder, and wait for the news. GRRRRRRRR. The system we're stuck in totally sucks!

Mom and I went walking the other day. I meant for us to just walk a little ways down the street and back but we started walking and talking and before you knew, we had covered the whole neighborhood. When we made it back to the house, Dad gave me that look like you knew better. He's right, we walked too much but it was so much fun. I miss our walks and talks. While we were walking, we talked about pretty much everything. All that she'd been through. All that I'd been through. She said that she has no idea how she ever made it through, then the subject turned to the upcoming tests. She said, "Whatever the tests show, I'm not up for any more!" We both fell silent as those words soaked in . . . Worse case scenario, those are pretty tough words, but they are words I completely understand. I was there too! Whatever the case, God's got her and she will be made beautifully whole. Although I lost sight of it for a while, consumed with the Why, I do trust Him completely! No one loves her the way He does (I'll fight for second) and so she's going to be just fine.

The past few weeks we've gone out of town, had family come to visit, and basically tried to cram as much summer as possible into the month of July. I'm sorry for not posting much.

Pigtails

2008-07-19T12:18:00.003-05:00

While fixing Baby Girl's hair this morning, she's not happy. As I'm braiding her hair and listening to the kids playing in the living room, Baby Girl says, "Mom, you're taking too long and ruining my life." I said, "That's my job" and continued braiding.

Yep, Five years old and her life's ruined but her hair looks great!

rambling

2008-07-18T13:45:00.004-05:00

Pardon the rambling, but I'm in a mood. We're on the road with over 600 miles to our destination, kids fighting in the back seat. There's no telling where this post will end up or who it might offend. So, proceed with caution.

The night Mom was released from the hospital, I went home to an empty house (kids n hubby went to CO). I decided to invite the Fabulous Who Ha Sisters over for drinks, swimming and fun (pretty much in that order) Everyone showed and the celebration began. One of the sisters, I believe was well on her way to Margaritaville before our first toast. Another sister came late with her hubby, so she had some catching up to do. The other sister's husband ran to the store to get an assortment of chick drinks in honor of as he put it the "Who Ha Whatever" and volunteered to be the bartender. Long story short, we all swam, drank, laughed, drank, swam again then drank more. . . some a liitle more than others. The bartender passed out as I expelled both liquor and gas simultaneously off the patio. One of the sisters still tease me as being a multi-tasker. The next morning I cleaned up the mess, dropped donuts (my hangover cure-all) off at the neighbor sister's house and went to check on Mom.

The week of the 4th, I took the kids plus Little Man's Best Friend, and a friend's two stepdaughters out and about. The two teenage girls were visiting their dad who they hadn't seen in 8 years. My friend, their stepmom brought the girls and Little Man's Best Friend to the house to swim. She asked if I'd watch them while she went home to mow. As we sat around talking, the girls said they were bored just sitting at the house watching movies. Their dad was out of town for work and my friend, their stepmom also had to work. Hubby and I told the girls they were more than welcome to hang out with us. We had so much fun with the girls. We watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate at great restaurants including Los Cabos, Carrino's, and of course McDonald's. We rode the atv's below the dam, ate breakfast at IHOP, and hit the mall. All the while, I called their daddy to see if they would come join us, they mostly declined. As the week wore on, I grew closer and closer with the girls esp the oldest (anyone would have, they are such good kids). Unfortunately, my friend (stepmom) felt I overstep my bounds and ruined their time to connect as a family. As far as boundaries go, our families have always been so close, we never had lines or boundaries drawn. My husband has been friends (even self proclaimed brothers)with her husband for over 20 years. They've been there for each other through just about all that life can throw at you including the norm such as marriage, divorce, and fatherhood. We were there and closer than ever, when his second wife became sick and died. Our kids are together all the time, pretty much have raised them as siblings. He and his parents moved around the corner from us, the kids attend the same school. Last summer, I introduced him to my dear friend who became his wife and a part of our family. In establishing her new life with them, she is drawing lines and forming boundaries that have never been there.

After the girls left, she came to the house to talk. In essence, she blamed me for things not panning out the way she had hoped. She wanted to connect as a family and steer clear of any appearance of "Disneyland" as she said my dad did when I was a child spending summers in TN. I can't lie, I felt attacked and it hurt. I understand as a new wife and mother, the need to get it right at all costs. I was there once too. I remember being pregnant with Little Man at the grocery store shopping with Nana vowing my child would never act like the screaming fit throwing toddler in the cereal aisle. I also read the awful book Baby Wise and attempted to subject my newborn baby boy to their rigid discipline, schedule, and boundaries in hopes of achieving the story book happy ever after ending. Oh, I also layed down the rules for my husband to follow to make sure he's on board to never ever land. He played the game like a pro for the first few weeks. Haven't we all been there thinking our life, marriage, kids would be different than all others definitely better than our parents who lets face it didn't have a clue. While I know, everyone takes their shot at the american dream of having the perfect christian family with the husband, wife, 2.5 kids and white picket fence, most will realize life just doesn't work out as we plan. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier with our life even though the screaming kids in walmart are probably mine, my husband and I will have our arguments and the occasional loud obnoxious fight over everything and nothing, my friends and I might get tipsy and sometimes even stupid drunk on Saturday night and Sunday morning you might find me at church or buried under the covers in my bed. In my neck of the woods, you might catch us at our best or at times at our worst, either way we're there for one another not judging just walking it out together. We should probably go on the Dr. Phil show, huh.

Friends don't always see eye to eye, but our families have always been close. I hope that doesn't change.

Time to Feel Better

2008-07-08T19:25:00.004-05:00

Mom (in her words) is pretty much "sick and tired of being sick and tired." She thought that after radiation, she would bounce back quick. Towards the end of last week, she decided to quit taking her pain meds regularly. She thought it was the reason she felt worse. She complained that she felt better in the hospital then at home. We tried to explain that she was on Morphine Extended Release and Diladid shots every 3 to 4 hours while in the hospital. She wondered if she was getting worse since radiation stopped but I think the drugs in the hospital just did an awesome job masking the pain.

She's been using the dilator as instructed and it's not been as bad as she thought it would be. The outside burns have healed amazingly well. I wasn't sure that it would recover it was so burnt, swollen, and totally messed up. She did have another round of blisters come up following the last radiation treatment. It bothered her pretty bad especially when she had to go to the bathroom. But all in all, it's so much better than before.

The last week or so of radiation was called boost. That's when they narrow the focus of the rays to the tumor itself. So that part of Mom's body was really hit hard with the more concentrated, potent ray, hopefully wiping out the tumor for good. Mom has hurt really bad in that area. I assume that her insides look like the outside did at it's worst. A couple of days last week, she went to the bathroom and strings of skin came out. When the skin came off the outside, it came off in sheets. Weird, because when you get a sunburn and peel, it flakes. The burns from the radiation had Mom's skin falling off in sheets. Anyway, it freaked Mom out, when it happened from the inside out.

Mom's also been struggling with nausea. She has to force herself to eat, b/c food tastes bad. Right now she's lost just over 10 pds, she can't really afford to lose much more weight. I'm not sure if the nausea is caused by the pain, the pain meds, or maybe just a side effect of the chemo/radiation.

Last Thursday, I went to Mom's house around 1:00pm and she was in bed hurting really bad. I checked the medicine log and she hadn't taken pain meds since the night before at 10pm. I brought her the pain meds. Dad said that he tried to get her to take the meds before but that she refused. She's tired of being drugged and is also worried about becoming addicted.

My church has been bringing out food for Mom and Dad. The lady who came last Thursday, Wren (sp?) brought their favorite soups, salad, and sandwich from Panera and also connected with Mom concerning the pain meds. She said that she lives in pain from arthritis and Fibre Maiga (sp?) and knows first hand about pain meds. As she talked to Mom, Mom just sat on the couch and cried. I couldn't understand why Mom refused her pain meds but maybe she felt like a failure or that she wasn't being tough enough if she took the pain med. Wren told her that it's proven through research that people heal faster when they use pain meds to stay ahead of the pain versus those who try to tough it out. The pain meds obviously mask the pain letting your body relax and heal. Wren really connected with Mom and as a result Mom took her pain meds regularly through the weekend.

She came to our 4th of July bash. She was pretty tired but stayed through the fireworks. This week Dad is in New York until tomorrow. Mom seems like she's okay. She wants to go to work tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about her driving. I told her that I'd take her but she said, "No."

Over the last week, I've dived back into my life, family, and such (have some blogging to do on that) I hope Mom doesn't feel abandoned. She really is still struggling with everything but is no where as sick as before. I call quite a bit to check on her and go by the house once or twice a day.

Next Tuesday, she has a doctor's appointment with her oncologist. I'm sure we'll know more about upcoming tests then.

Oh Boy

2008-07-02T12:10:00.001-05:00

Mom is done with both chemo and radiation. I went with her today to get dilators, just when you thought you'd seen and heard it all. Mom sure doesn't want the scar tissue to cause major problems but at the same time can't even imagine using those things. I told her we could go to an adult store and find one softer and maybe light up, spin or vibrate. I swear, you've got to keep a sense of humor or I'm sure you'd lose your mind. Mom's last day of radiation was yesterday. She was asking me if I thought she'd be better by the end of the week. I hate to discourage her more or sound negative I just answered maybe but for some it takes a couple of weeks to notice a difference. We don't really know what's next as far as tests and such to see where she stands. I guess the focus should be on healing and recovery instead of the other.

One Left To Go

2008-06-30T12:21:00.000-05:00

Mom has just 1 more radiation treatment left. I can't believe it's almost over. Mom wants to celebrate with a pedicure tomorrow. Now, if that's not a sign things are looking up, I don't know what is!

Cancer, A Fight on all Sides

2008-06-30T00:58:00.011-05:00

Since being home, Mom is still in alot of pain primarily from the radiation treatments. Now, starting the 4th week after chemo, I think most of those side effects are gone. She has 2 radiation hits to go and is on schedule for Tuesday being the last and final nuke.

Up until the last few nights in the hospital, Mom could slip in and out of sleep no matter who or what was going on in the room. But as she started feeling better, sleeping became a problem. She thought that she'd sleep better without someone staying with her. So, Thursday night I left her completely alone for the first time. The next morning, she hadn't slept.

Then, she thought it was maybe the nurses coming in and out of the room at all hours of the night. She jokes that they would come in for a zillion reasons including to wake her up to see if she's sleeping. She was so convinced that just getting home and in her bed would help that she started taking matters into her own hands.

One of the doctors on Thursday said that he'd let her go home if not for the fever. The infectious disease specialist (a really cool doctor from South Africa) looked Mom over and concluded that the persisting fever was just her body trying to recover from the on-going radiation. But the other doctor was not convinced.

So, when the nurses came in at regular intervals to check vitals (blood pressure, pulse, and temperature), Mom would sneak a ice cold drink of water just before the nurse stuck the thermometer in her mouth. Her temperature dropped from 100+ to 95 and below. We all got a good laugh until Mom's friend "from a galaxy far, far away" jerked us back to reality and what's best for Mom.

Friday afternoon, Mom got her walking papers. But after a weekend at home away from the nurses, she's still not sleeping. Now, she thinks it's just the frequent trips to the bathroom. In the past 3 weeks, she's not slept more than 3 hours at a time. Many nights, she was up every 20 to 30 minutes running for the bathroom. How can she recover without uninterrupted, sound sleep?

Also, her anxiety has been through the roof since she's been home. She says she's really overwhelmed. Not only has she stepped down from the shots of pain meds in the hospital to her prescription at home, but she's trying to ween the dosage down, way down.

This morning, Dad called me around 10ish to tell me that she had a bad night and was really upset. I raced over, grabbed her meds, and brought her to my house. I helped her take a shower. I have a hand held shower nozzle similar to what they had in the hospital. Mom said that the shower at the hospital was the best 20 minutes of the day. I got her into my bed, applied all ointments, and then went to check out her medicine log. I had her take needed meds and talked with her about how important staying on top of her meds for pain/anxiety management was. She agreed.

Anxiety is at an all-time high at home. At times, Dad feels like he can't do anything to help her which hurts him really bad. I think he wants desperately to get back to life before cancer but to some degree knows that it's out of reach. Mom is discouraged. When she feels somewhat better, she thinks that it's going to keep getting better and better. So when she hits a dip and goes back to feeling crumby and in lots of pain, she emotionally/mentally takes a huge dive. I'm confident that she's getting better and better, but when I try to encourage her, it doesn't usually help. If you hurt, feel bad, and haven't slept, I guess someone telling you your better isn't believable.

I'm hoping that the physical pain and suffering will draw to a close over the next several weeks and that total healing will follow. It's looking as though the struggle will shift from mainly physical to mental/emotional.

Yesterday, right before company was to arrive, Mom's anxiety skyrocketed. I kept trying to get Mom back to the bed and calmed down with an anxiety pill. Dad said that she had no reason to get all upset. Her fragile mental/emotional state is sometimes hard to understand.

I found a thread on the Colon Club Forum and believe it'll help to grasp how she feels. Again, she still has very intense pain from the radiation and I don't want to discount that in any way, shape, or form. I'm just trying to shed light on reasons for her fears and anxiety and that this information will help us to help her. The following are comments to a post from someone who doesn't feel her family and friends understand her fear and anxiety.

by justsing on Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:19 pm
My problem with people "getting it" is that I want to have it both ways. I want to go on with my life as normally as possible and not have to deal with the constant "so how are you doing, REALLY?" conversations. And at the same time, I want people to understand that in spite of my can-do attitude, I'm going through life with an enormous emotional Albatross around my neck. But if I don't talk about it, I can't expect everyone to "get it." And if I do talk about it, I spend a lot of time in an emotional swamp. It's a quandary!!!!!The most important thing for me is that I have one or two friends with whom I can fall apart -- BRIEFLY -- and then be allowed to immediately return to normal without having to "process" anything. They never press me to "share" but are there when I need them. They are worth their weight in gold.

Re: Why does no one Understand ?
by mnw28 on Sat Jun 28, 2008 6:49 pm
I completely understand. I find myself questioning my sanity because one day I'm aggrivated because people keep asking me "how are you feeling" but don't seem to really want to know the answer or they don't ask at all..which irritates me just as much depending on the situation. No win situation. I keep telling myself that people who haven't gone through it don't know what to say and the fact that they care enough to be concerned should be enough. But some days I just want to scream! For some reason I am bothered the most when people say "Well you look GREAT." I don't know why that bothers me so much but it does. I think my closest friends understand that I will talk about it when I want and they will be there to listen. They call and check on me, but if I don't return their call they understand. No one however, except cancer survivors understand the fear that keeps us up at night. I think we all know how quickly those morbid thoughts can enter our minds. Today is one of those days for me. I'm just really very depressed, sad, and discouraged. It seems like during each round of chemo, by Saturday (I start on wednesdays) I'm just really down in the dumps. I usually spend an hour crying to my mom on the phone and then somehow I wake up on Sunday feeling a little better and emotionally stable. Weekends can be so long when you feel so bad. I swear it feels like the minutes are going in reverse. It sucks being young with cancer. I feel so left out and so alone sometimes.

Re: Why does no one Understand ?
by Molly on Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:54 am
Until someone has stood on the edge and almost fallen, they will never truly understand what it's like to have a life threatening illness. Survivorship is a wonderful thing...but can also very scary.

To check out the original post and other comments, here's the link:

Why does no one Understand ?
by Culinarycfo on Fri Jun 27, 2008 11:08 pm

The Gift

2008-06-29T23:49:00.007-05:00

Thursday night, I came home from the hospital per Mom’s request, totally spent, tired, and in every way gave out. I said goodbye to hubby and kids earlier that day, as they left for Colorado to see great grandparents. I’ve gone out of town with the kids before and left hubby home, but I don’t think that I’ve ever been the one left home.

When I made it home, I marched straight to the tub, nothing sounded better than a long, hot soak. With wrinkled fingers and toes, I put on my favorite pjs and gathered dirty clothes to take to the laundry room. When I opened the door to drop clothes in the laundry basket, I found it completely empty. There was not 1 sock, towel or anything. I stood there for a while just staring. I then looked over to the folding table for stacks of clothes to put away, there was nothing. I proceeded to the sink, there were no dirty dishes not even a fork or spoon, looked in the dishwasher, it was empty.

As I went from room to room, I slowly began to realize the incredible gift my husband gave me. I walked outside and stood in our perfectly kept yard. I saw beautiful plants and flowers blooming in the flower bed. In the backyard, the pool was impeccable with crystal clear water. As I came back inside, sat on our bed and covered up with the beautiful new comforter he bought last week, I saw pictures of Baby Girl and Little Man on my nightstand. What picture perfect happy children they are!

Just a few weeks ago (seem like months), my husband let me pass off my responsibilities as wife and mother to turn, take Mom’s hand, and walk with her through the treatment of this ugly disease called cancer. As I described before, he kept the house and yard in perfect condition but also voluntarily took on double duty with the kids. I know that at times I’m a control freak, but until now I had no clue just how overbearing I am. I honestly believed that no one could love and take care of our children like me. So I never gave anyone, not even him, a chance. With me gone, you wouldn’t believe the amazing bond that has formed between he and the kids.

When Baby Girl was at Grandma’s, Daddy and Little Man had marathon movie nights and fierce video game battles. They went on long rides together on the Razor (looks like a sporty golf cart, drives like a 4-wheeler). Little Man said that he saw a hawk, turtle, cow, and deer on their drives. Daddy took both kids plus 1 (Little Man’s Best Friend) to several movies and played in the pool both day and night. In his care, they didn’t even get one sunburn, starve, or lack for anything. While Baby Girl was at neighbor friend’s house (one of the fabulous Who Ha Sisters), Who Ha Sis asked Baby Girl if Mom had sewed the flag patch on her skirt? Baby Girl responded, “No, Daddy did. Daddy can fix anything!”

He took care of the house, was there for the kids, but also for me in a moment’s notice. When I called one rainy morning for him to help Dad and I take Mom to the doctor at one of her sickest points, he was there. When I called him from the ER because the doctors could not get one of the medicines to control the spasms, my husband dropped everything, ran to Mom’s house, and was at the hospital in minutes with the needed medicine. Late Sunday night before Mom started feeling better, I texted my husband, “ Mom needs flowers, big arrangement. Will u please order and have delivered tomorrow.” He responded within minutes, “I’ll take care of it. Love you.” He was at the hospital with the most beautiful, big flower arrangement in different shades of purple (her favorite color) first thing Monday morning.

The Who Ha Sisters relieved me so that I could go home, shower, grab a few minutes shut eye, and maybe see my kids and husband. It’s something to be so totally spent that you just don’t have anything left for your family. He not once complained only offered support saying, “You can do this.” And when the kids would get upset because I had to leave, he would give me a knowing look, distract them, so I could make my getaway. Not all my requests did he understand but was there just the same.

He’s such an incredible husband and this gift he’s given me is priceless. I can’t put into words the need I had to walk through this with Mom but it felt as crucial as my next breath. He saw and understood my need and made the way so I could make the journey with Mom.

Thank you love, for this precious gift, I will treasure it and you forever!

Mom 's Home

2008-06-28T15:02:00.002-05:00

We said our goodbyes, bid farewell, and left the hospital yesterday around noon. I'll share more details of the past couple of days later :)

Going Home Postponed

2008-06-26T13:19:00.002-05:00

Not all the doctors agreed on Mom going home quite yet. While the pain is there, there's a world of difference in today from last Friday when she was admitted. The one doctor is still concerned b/c the low grade fever. Although Mom is disappointed, I told her the pain meds here are much better than at home so staying is not all bad.

We just finished lunch, we both stuffed ourselves silly. Hospital food is strange. It is either really, really good or really, really bad. There's no in between. Right now, Mom is in bed putting on the make-up given to her by the American Cancer Society's Look Good, Feel Better Program.

What a difference 1 week makes! Watch out, Mom's back!

3 More To Go

2008-06-26T11:34:00.003-05:00

The little things make the biggest difference.

This morning after shift change around 7:00am, we told the new nurse (friendly nurse is off today) that mom would need a bath before going to radiation this morning. She said that she would send the technician in first thing.

The gynecologist the other day prescribed some ointment for the burns. We have to make sure the ointment is totally off before radiation or else it will act as a tanning oil and burn her more severe if that's possible. We use the ointment during the day but do not apply any 8 hrs prior to radiation and of course make sure she has the bath.

At 9am, we are still waiting for the technician to come. The mornings before radiation are terribly stressful for Mom. So, she was in bed, lights dim, and music (Alan Jackson's Christian CD - all old hymns) playing softly in the background when the transport guy shows to take Mom to radiation.

Mom gets all upset thinking she's going to have to rush through the bath (one thing she enjoys) to be taken to radiation. I took them into the hall and said that they will have to reschedule. She must have a bath beforehand and we will not be rushed. I left them to work it out as I came back in the room to assure Mom that everything's okay.

The tech finally came to give her a bath. There are some people that I immediately trust and pass the baton to letting them do their job but others I immediately don't trust and keep control. Mom enjoyed her bath, was lotioned up, brushed teeth, a new gown, and shot of atavin when the transport showed back up to take her to radiation. As she sat in the wheelchair waiting for the guy to get Mom's chart from the nurses station, Alan Jackson was singing "He touched me."

Mom has temporarily lost control over so many everyday things in her life that when things like this morning happens, it pushes her closer to complete chaos.

Three more radiation treatments to go, home stretch!

Hopefully Heading Home

2008-06-26T07:43:00.005-05:00

Mom's oncologist came by at regular time, 6 am. Mom asked if she can go home today, he said I don't see why not. He said that she's got his okay so if other docs agree, she'll go home. Yipee!

The Final Four

2008-06-25T11:29:00.004-05:00

Monday morning was really tough. Mom was so tired of hurting, totally exhausted and discouraged. She was angry and fed-up. Before Monday, she was pretty much checked out due to the pain medication. This weekend she kept asking why she was in OKC. She's been in another world for the last week maybe longer which was hard because I really missed her.

On Monday, she was coherent but in the darkest place that I'd seen yet with no spark of hope. The doctor came in at 6:00am, we'd been up for almost an hour. Anxiety and pain levels were high. The doctor told Mom that all the blood, urine, and stool tests were coming back good, no infection. However, blood taken from the PICC line on Sunday showed an infection so he ordered the PICC to be taken out. Since last Wednesday, her fever continued to fluctuate between 100 - 103.

After the doctor left, I tried to encourage Mom by telling her that the doctor is not finding any serious complications. There is unbelievable pain, suffering, and anxiety from the treatment and it hurts, really bad but it's not terminal. My intention was to give her hope but instead she took it as I was discounting her pain.

We just sat on the bed both in tears (first time I allowed myself to cry in front of her). She did not want me to comfort her so I stepped into the hallway. After a weekend full of not so good nurses and technicians, a wonderful nurse offered me a Kleenex. She has been Mom's nurse all this week. You can tell when someone gets it and when they don't, she not only gets it but connected with Mom and I from the get go.

Although I did not realize it, a change was occurring. Cancer is a very real physical battle but maybe even more a mental/spiritual one. Mom said that morning that maybe going to see Nana wouldn't be so bad (her mom who died of cancer in her early 50's). A week ago Sunday, Mom had a really bad night, the worse pain I had ever seen or even imagined. Driving in the storm at 5am to get something the nurse said might help, I cried realizing what it means to love someone so much that you'd let them go so that the pain would stop. I told myself not to put that in writing, it sounds so bad.

Little by little things started happening showing me that God had not forsaken us like it felt. He showed up at first in little ways; wonderful nurse offering me tissue in the hallway and Mom pain meds on the fly, the Hispanic technician who told Mom in broken English, "I take care of you" as she ministered to Mom through a bath and massage, physical therapists that made us laugh (one pt that said she doesn't usually ask, but could she pray with us), the kind custodian that told Mom it's job security when she apologized for the accidents on way to the bathroom, sincere, caring doctors working to take care of Mom, and of course the Ya Ya Sisterhood that has not only bonded together together now but for life.

Monday afternoon, a friend (as Mom put it from a galaxy far, far away) happened to hear Mom was sick. She did not have Mom's phone number so she just started calling hospitals in the city. After a few misses, she hit the right hospital and the room's phone was ringing. I answered and within minutes she was praying with me and then I held the phone to Mom's ear and she prayed with her. Mom went to radiation late that afternoon where we met with the radiologist. I asked her to examine mom b/c there was like a knot in the fold of her woo ha (as Ginger aka Nurse Melissa calls it) The radiologist said that it's where the skin has peeled leaving raw skin that oozes blood and fluids that are sticky. The moist fold stuck together and then cemented when dried. She gave me ky jelly and told me to gently work at separating the folds when pain medicine has her at the highest point. Basically, it would tear apart ripping top layer. It really hurts Mom and I feel needlessly. Someone should have not only told us but shown us how to keep this from happening. It is very preventable if someone knows what to do.

Tuesday morning, Mom woke up feeling better but then went to the bathroom and realized she couldn't pee. I looked her over and found another area stuck together just like the fold had been the day before. She began to have extreme pain about the time the doctor arrived for his rounds at 6am. I showed him what I had found and he immediately called a gynecologist. About this same time, mom's iv vein collapsed or rolled so they had to shut off the meds and fluids until they could tap into another vein. Wonderful nurse stuck Mom twice with no luck hitting a vein, second nurse gave 2 stabs, still no luck. Mom's pain is increasing as pain meds are wearing off and the urge to pee is becoming stronger by the minute. She can't get more pain meds b/c iv line is not open.

I called Mom's friend who called the night before, briefly explained Mom's immediate need, and she began praying that God would bring the right doctor and nurses who will have the wisdom to know exactly what to do to take care of Mom. As soon as we hung up the phone, she started calling others to pray and the gynecologist walked into the room. Wonderful nurse said after the fact that she saw this doctor walking down the hallway. She hadn't seen this doctor on their floor in a long time. She asked him what patient he was going to see hoping it was Mom. Sure enough, he walked into the room and quickly proceeded to help Mom. He told Mom that the nurse could bring a shot of morphine as he gobbed ky on his glove. She told him to go ahead without pain meds, she braced as he ripped her open experiencing the highest level of pain to date. He told me what to do to keep her open. Again, if told beforehand, it could have been prevented. ggrrrr Immediately following, a friendly nurse that I had seen several times in the hallway, came to try and find a vein for the iv. She got it on her first attempt.

After today's radiation, I asked mom how she was doing. She just said 4 more left. Pain is getting more and more intense with every hit so she's just trying to focus on the countdown. She'll go tomorrow, Friday, Monday and Tuesday for radiation. Tuesday will be the last day, 33 radiation treatments completed. Please pray that the radiation will totally destroy the tumor but the other areas will be protected so that healing can start sooner rather than later.

On a sweet note: Monday night I went home to take a shower. Little Man was by my side from the moment I hit the door. He sat on the toilet talking while I took a shower and got ready to go back to the hospital. I asked him if he'd pray at bedtime that Nana would continue to get better and that I'd have the energy to take care of her. He looked up at me and said, "Well, I can pray Now." So we dropped to our knees and prayed for strength and healing. On Tuesday night, the kids were swimming and Ginger said she'd get in the pool if they'd stop all the splashing and carrying on because she has a fear of the water. Little Man said, "That's okay, we just have to encourage each other like Mom's encouraging Nana." He's such a sweet, sensitive soul!

On a funny note: A recreational therapist came on Tuesday. She wants Mom to play cards and dominoes. Mom told her that she typically liked playing but that the pain meds leave her unable to focus and the burns unable to sit. This therapist like all the others had a list of questions she had to ask. Mom was pretty high on drugs during the inquisition. She asked how long she'd been married. Mom said 200 years. She asked if Mom could do anything, what would it be? Mom said, "Dolly Parton's make-up." It was like a comedy routine. We were all cracking up - She was the one who prayed for Mom.

Even funnier note: Tuesday night, the Texas Psychiatrist stayed with Mom. I went home to sleep with hubby. Sometime in the night, he got up to go to the bathroom. He said I got up following him and was going between the bathroom and bedroom saying, "I can't find the squirt bottle."

Monday Evening

2008-06-25T11:02:00.003-05:00

One of the sisters from the Ya Ya Sisterhood; Monday evening.

If I could talk to you now. Things I would say to you.

Your mom is funny. She called me Melissa. When Cathy called the conversation went like this
Cathy – Is Michelle there?
Mom – No
Cathy – Is Bob there?
Mom – No
Cathy – Is Ginger there?
Mom – No
Cathy – Well who is there?
Mom – Melissa
Cathy – Well is someone there that is not taking drugs?

I got the phone. Cathy talked a few minutes. I love this woman and I don’t even know her. She is so funny cant wait till girls day out with her…..

She ask that I call her back and I told her I would what time is to late she said she was just driving back from Muskogee and was going home to dye her hair. I told Mom that Cathy was going to color her hair what color does she want it. Mom said will it wash out? I said yeah so she said “well its almost 4th of July – what about red, white and blue” So I told Cathy. Also, Cathy ask if you were coming back tonight I said “yeah but, she didn’t even get out of her til 6:30 cause you showing me how to do the ky. I was trying to explain it to Cathy and I said the only way I know how to say it is just to say it. The lip got stuck to the skin and you have to kind of try to wedge between the lip and skin with ky. Cathy thought I was talking about your lips on your face. Not even your moms. I wanted to laugh so hard.

If she is home and comes to the 4th (MOM) I am going to try to find some red/white/blue wig for all us girls (sam, you, me, cathy) to come out in. Wouldn’t that be funny?

Your mom is always worried about everyone else but herself. She always ask little things to me. Like last time it was how did I meet my husband? Tonight she ask me what I liked most about being a mom? I said that my kids think I am perfect. Even though I am far from it and eventually they will realize that I am not. Then I said really the love I get from my kids is unbelievable. I ask her the same questions. She said grandkids!

Your guys are so lucky to have a loving family. Brian and I were not raised in a huggy kissy family. I know Brian was hurt yesterday. We have been in our house for almost 5 months (can you believe it). His dad came for the first time yesterday for about 45 minutes. I had invited Charles over because Brian’s dad used to be Charles boss. Charles might have stayed 15 minutes. He talked to Charles more in that 15 minutes than he did Brian the whole time he was there. He never once said our home was nice, pretty, ugly nothing. He told Brian when he was giving him the tour that its big. Nothing else. Then we walk out in the yard for them to leave and he says which one is Charles house

Brian told him and he said that Charles house was really nice he had a beautiful yard and everything. Not that Brian or I am jealous. I just know it hurts Brian to know his dad cant be proud of him.

I think I am losing my mind I cant believe I wrote that check wrong. I will never hear the end

Its 9:00 and your mom is snoring…….. I am getting madder by the minute your mom has ran fever since 6:50 (right before shift change) they still as of 9:10 havn’t given her anything. I have ask and ask and ask. At least 5 times. Now she wants something for pain so I have ask for the last hour and still nothing. I have even talked to the nurse to her face and she wrote it on her hand. What good is that doing its not doing nothing for the pain.

I did also ask your mom tonight while putting medicine on her woo-ha what trip is she going to take when this is all over. Did she have one planed. She said no not really but it will be somewhere in Puerta Vallarta.

Stay Tuned

2008-06-24T09:32:00.002-05:00

Stay tuned, for upcoming praise report

God brought Mom the best doctor and wrapped His arms around her as this doctor broke Mom open. We are listening to "How Great is Our God" as Mom rests before radiation. I'll share later.

Manicures, Massages, and Margaritas

2008-06-23T00:17:00.005-05:00

Mom's been in hospital since Friday. Safety net feels good. Think everything is going well. She's continued to run fever of 100 to 102. Blood Pressure 105/46 at 5:00 today (normal is 120/80), pulse rate tonight is 110(normal is 78). Nurse says elevated pulse rate is from pain and anxiety. Not sure about low blood pressure, dehydration is not a problem b/c she's getting fluid from IV regularly. She's had 4 units blood (think red blood cells, hemoglobin) on Saturday. Urine specimens and blood tests have all come back clean until today. They are taking blood from PICC and blood straight from arm. Blood from PICC showed infection (Gram and Cocci in clusters) not sure what that means but nurse wrote it down for me. They gave her antibotic shot called vancomycin for that. they are giving other antibiotics; Alvelox, Mystatin and Flogyl. She had a phosphorus drip in IV earlier today b/c low electrolytes. Tonight, nurse gave her MS contin- extended morphine, dildaudid (more pain stuff) and an ambian to sleep. Amazing friends are helping, I'm calmer, and mom's in good hands as she gets better.

Speaking of amazing friends, Mom's friend stayed with Mom all day Saturday and Sunday. I instantly loved her; she's a psychiatrist, has a great accent and is from Texas (enough said). She brings peaceful calm into the hospital room and gently reminds Mom (and me) that God is healing Mom's body, that He loves us and is leading us through to the other side. She gets Mom talking and remembering life before Cancer which is so important. This whole thing is so consuming that we've lost sight of life before or after this horrible, disgusting disease.

I know that tomorrow afternoon, I'll need a shower and break. I reached out through a text message to my friend who has already done so much for more help.

She responded back with this; I'll be there as soon as I get off work. No problem, it's a honor and a blessing that you and God trust me enough! I am truly humble to get to have you and all your family in our lives. Don't be afraid to ask me for anything, that's what friends are for. When make it to the other side, Mom and all us girls on Mom's team must have a day of beauty, massages, pedicures, The Works!

I responded; N tears, thank u. You all are unbelievably amazing. I angrily told God that nothing good is in this. I'm wrong, amazing friends are shining through all the crap, literal crap! u r all beautiful. Cheers to manicures, massages, and margaritas n near future.

Funny moment: When Mom's good friend was here taking care of her, Mom was dreaming and mumbled something about being in Jamaica. Big jump from dreams about McDonald's last week. Also while heavily medicated this morning around 2:30, Mom asked "what kind of place is this." I answered, "a hospital." She said, "Well get me my glasses and their book so I can see what services they have to offer." (she's ready for spa services too)

Off the subject; Baby Girl said "Mom put your hand right here, can you feel my heart beeping?" Saturday night, friends little girl said, "Look, there's a lightening bug in your pocket." My pocket was lighting up each second. I just about came out of my shorts right there in front of everyone, then realized it was just my cell phone. My anxiety over bugs is really out of control.

In Hospital

2008-06-21T10:56:00.007-05:00

She was admitted to the hospital yesterday morning. Basically, we went to the treatment center yesterday morning to get PICC line flushed, weekly thing. On the other side of the treatment room away from mom, I had a break down moment saying the upcoming weekend scares me to death, it's like the night 3 times over, you just feel all alone. Mom's' fever was 102.6 and they were ready to send us on our way. I said that I wanted a doctor to check her over and tell me she's okay, and then I would take her to radiation and then home. I just couldn't handle the responsibility of something happening that I failed to notice type thing. Anyway, mom's onc nurse came over obviously annoyed and said that mom would be seen by one of the other doctors. That doctor's nurse (really nice, I might add) came helped us to the room and took down a bunch of information. She really listened to us, it was nice for a change. The new onc doctor came in (again, really nice, like a fresh start b/c I've wore out my welcome with others) checked Mom over and again took the time to listen to us. She gently recommended admitting her to the hospital. Mom's hemoglobin was 8.6. She said that a blood transfusion happens at 8.0. Anyway, she made the arrangements so Mom would not have to wait, that she would be admitted through ER, and go straight back an they'll give her pain med immediatley. In the ER after they gave her pain med and her eyes were slapping shut, I told Mom it was okay to go to sleep, and she said that she was too scared to sleep that she might not wake up. totally heartbreaking. It was a long day full of tests and what not. She got in a room around 1:00. The doctor on that floor came in and said so far everything's checking out okay. That urine looks good, x-ray (not sure what machine took pics) but looks good, etc.. She said that some blood work takes 24 hours so they'll wait and see how it comes back, but so far everything looks fine all things considered. Dad said let's leave her here and let them take care of her and go home and sleep. She's still going to the bathroom every 20 minutes peeing b/c the fluids they're giving her and diarrhea all the while very heavily medicated and dragging an iv pole. He says that I've got to get some sleep, which I know but there's no other option. Leaving her in the hospital by herself is not an option. When you call for a nurse, it takes 10 to 20 minutes and mom can't wait that long and she needs someone familiar there 24/7. While I know that he's concerned about me, I was mad with that suggestion to say the least. I called my friend (who I'd trust with my life) came up and stayed with mom through the night. I went to Mom's house and gathered things I thought she might want along with a bouquet of flowers, and my husband volunteered to take them back to her if I'd go straight home and go to bed. My new neighbor and friend who came last weekend to help me clean mom's bathroom, went to the hospital this morning to relieve other friend and she'll stay until 12:00. Mom's friend is going to stay 12:00 to 8:00. Thank God for friends. I slept last night and am about to get ready, pick up a few more things for mom, and go up there for a while.

Just got a call from friend and she said doc came in and said they Mom will need some red blood cells, not sure if that's a blood transfusion or what. Also, they were scared about the PICC line because Mom told them it's been in since March 9. I told friend that it's been in since May 9th and that we've had it flushed every week at treatment center and have had no problems with it. They were freak'in out b/c PICC lines can only be in for 3 months. I told friend to call me if doc/nurses have questions, because Mom can't answer them b/c the drugs. Doc says everything else is okay.

Everyone, please keep praying. I know that God is getting us through this and that your prayers are making a difference. Anyone who is close to us and wants to help, please let me know. I realize now that this job is bigger than me. Mom deserves the best care possible and me half dead from no sleep is not the best for her.

Oh, something funny. Yesterday mom said that this place (hospital) scares her. Every other time she's been there, she's left with a baby.

The other night at home, I was laying in bed with Mom. She was passed out from the drugs and mumbled something. I asked what she had said. She said, "Oh, I don't know. I was just dreaming that I worked at McDonald's and was making a sausage/egg mcmuffin." We both laughed. I said that we'd need to discuss new pain meds with doc, that dreaming about McDonald's was unacceptable. Dreams she be of nothing less than beaches in Puerta Vallarta and such.

Prayer Request

2008-06-19T22:52:00.002-05:00

Mom is swelling really bad. It's making it so incredibly painful to walk, sit, or anything. Radiation again tomorrow, please pray for decrease in swelling.

Blessed Sleep

2008-06-19T13:16:00.002-05:00

Just want everyone to know that last night was better. Since at least last Saturday night, as you've read, nights are bad. She's up every 20 to 30 minutes going to the bathroom with terrible pain and anxiety which seemed to build to out of control proportions as the night drug on. It left her totally exhausted and discouraged by morning. I don't think the symptoms are necessarily worse at night than during the day, it's just more frustrating for mom at night because she wants to sleep.

Yesterday, the radiologist prescribed some butt foam to relieve the pain (she nonchalantly said as she wrote the prescription, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. It would not have even occurred to her then if I hadn't been so insistent, what's wrong with these docs)

Anyway, the combination of butt foam and increased dosage of pain meds worked, and she slept for longer stretches of time, 2 to 3 hours at a time, YES!!!!!!!!!!! When she woke up she said that last night was so much better, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Okay, so this was last night;
6:00pm - Anxiety pill - it also helps with sleep
7:00 pm - 2 pain pills - after an hour when med is in full force, we conquer the bathtub
8:00 - Butt Cream
9:00 - 11:35 - slept soundly zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
11:40 pm - Woke Mom for 2 Tylenol for temp 102.7, 2 pain meds and back to sleep
1:10 am - temp coming down - 101.46 and bathroom trips, pain, and anxiety increasing as nights before
1:45 am - Butt Foam
2:30 - Tramadol (for Inflammation), Lorazapam (for anxiety)
3:00 am - 2 Pain Pills
3:00 - 6:30 - Blessed Uninterrupted Sleep ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
6:30am -2 Tylenol - temp 100.3 and falling
6:30 am - 2 pain pills
6:30 - 8:00 - And More Sleep zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
8:00 - She conquered the tub - getting clean for radiation
9:00 - She ate toast (she has not eaten solid food since Sunday morning only clear liquids)
9:00 - Levaquinn - Antibiotic for infection
9:00 - Flucanazole - Antibiotic for thrush (yeast in mouth)
9:00 - Lorazapam - Anxiety (to help handle today's radiation at 10:30)
9:00 - Tramadol (Inflammation)
9:00 - Prilosec - (Heart Burn which is a major problem)
9:15 - I had a shower, YIPEEEE - Mom says that as a patient she deserves a hygiene conscience caregiver - I guess 3 days without is long enough, I told her if she gets lucky I might even brush my teeth, but that's all no shaving, make-up, styled hair, etc....that's where I draw the line.

9:30 - off to radiation
9:45 - 2 more pain pills

Bottom line, there were no out of control moments, pain was managed throughout the night and we slept much better. She woke up so encouraged, what a great feeling!

I want to describe today's radiation treatment (Boost has arrived) and talk a little about the cool valet guy and soccer mom but I need to go check on her and the medicine schedule.

check back later :)

Spasms

2008-06-18T18:05:00.000-05:00

I really think she is having spasms and not constipation. If she were blocked, I would think she would constantly hurt until the blockage was released, especially continual stomach pain. Her pain and feeling of needing to go comes in waves. She has diarhea each and every time she goes to the toilet at least 30 to 40 plus times a day. When it climaxes usually in the last hour before she can recieve her next dose of oxycodone, her pain goes off the charts. She either starts shaking uncontrollably and if someone isn't in the room, yells for help or she loses her head and starts racing around the house out of her head not being rational. At this point she starts hunting the pill bottles for something more to take to make her go to the bathroom. When we got to radiation, I didn't think she'd meet with the radiologist so I asked the front desk if I could possibly ask her a quick question. They said to flag down the nurse (the one we don't like) and ask her to speak with the doc. Anyway, the radiologist appeared before the nurse. Weird, I don't know whether to say something or wait so not to cause a rift for not following the chain of command. I asked her if I could have a couple of minutes, she obliged. She listened to me describe the pain, my thoughts on what's going on, and the information I received from Joy on-line about the spasms. I was very calm (more like half dead from desperation and lack of sleep) as I explained. She looked agitated and said take her to the ER. I think she thinks I'm just too high maintanance and is ready to pass us along. I asked her if we could try Clonazapam like Joy used for spasms. She said they don't prescribe that for radiation patients. She didn't say you're on a wild goose chase or yes spasms could be the culprit. She's just ready to wash her hands of us. At that point the radiation technician walked mom past us to put her in a room to see the radiologist. If I'd known we were going to meet, I wouldn't have tried to speak to her beforehand. Mom and I waiteed in the examination room for 30 to 40 minutes. She finally came in and said that it sounds like she has something called tenesmus which causes a false sense of needing to go and anal spasms. She said she didn't know why she didn't think of it before. She would prescribe proctofoam to inject into her butt and that it would help combat the spasms. She didn't talk to me unless I directly spoke to her. She didn't say anything about the conversation we had in the hallway, it was like it just dawned on her that maybe it's spasms caused by tenesmus. It's just a completely weird feeling, but she gave mom a hug before we left which I'm grateful. She says boost radiation starts tomorrow and that mom should experience immediate relief. Mom's hanging on those words which scares me b/c Belle has posted her relief did not come for 2 weeks after radiation stopped. 8 more radiation hits.I did call the onc nurse to see if she'd prescribe the clonazapam but she called during the radiation when I have to turn off cell phone due to radiation machines. She did not leave a msg or call back. I'll try her again tomorrow if this other stuff doesn't work. By the way proctofoam is put directly inside her bottom. She can't do it and the first time I really had a hard time finding the hole b/c of the hemmoroids and swelling. (tmi, I'm sorry) I'm scared to call more than absolutely is necessary b/c they are treating me like the boy who called wolf too many times. This afternoon mom woke up with extreme pain, she was shaking uncontrollably and yelled for help. It was 20 minutes until time for next dose of oxycodone. Dad had her swallow one pill and chew the other one up for quicker relief (thanks Bradyr) Dad and I agreed that we'd up the dose without calling the doc to 2 pills every 3 hours instead of trying to wait 4 hrs. I'm just not giving up! Each and every time she takes a dive from whatever, I'll keep trying to find a better way. I just can't accept that nothing can be done. thank you, thank you, thank you.Oh, my friend is giving me numbers to call for in-home help. It's hard to committ to doing that, letting a stranger come. Another friend is checking on a cleaning service. This friend came on Sat. and cleaned the bathroom (so awesome) but with all the accidents, I'm scared we are all walking around in ecoli. I clean it with 409 but I just don't have the energy to do a deep clean which I think it needs. A friend of Mom's says she wants to help and is coming on Saturday. If it works out maybe she'll help on weekends to give dad and I a break.

Bad Nights

2008-06-18T05:04:00.002-05:00

This was me reaching out on the colon club last night and Belle (NW Girl), Monique, and WAMO were there. Thank you God for leading me to the Colon Club and for these caring women who got me through tonight.

(Me) Nights seem worse. Diarrhea seems more frequent, not making it to the toliet more, more pain and anxiety. She's taking oxicodone 2 pills every 4 hours. At night, it's not enough. Right now she has almost an hour before next dose and pain level is rapidly increasing. Do I absolutely have to wait 4 hrs? She's straining due to constipation but there's frequent urgent diarrhea. Both are wreaking havoc on her butt. Tonight there's a little blood when she blots. I assume its hemmoroids from straining. She also complains about her bones hurting. She thought she dodged mouth sores this round of chemo, but tonight there popping up. I'm reading on this forum about those at all stages continuing on w/ life, jobs, hobbies. How in the world is that possible? Is mom's side effects normal? Oh and I went to initial mts with all doc and went to chemo class where the msg was not to suffer through but let them know of all side effects and they will find meds to relieve it. In fact the onc head nurse said the disease is tough, you don't have to be. But in the next breath makes it sound like tough it out, it is what it is.

Re: Bad Nights
by NWgirl on Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:11 am
My side effects from radiation were tough, but nothing like what your mother is experiencing. Of course I have a temporary ileostomy, which is a blessing during chemo/radiation as it all comes out in the bag - pain free, regardless of how bad the diahhrea is. As for bones hurting, she's not getting that nulestra (sp?) shot is she? (Yes, she had it last Friday) That causes a lot of people pain in their bones. How many more radiation treatments does she have? Once those things are over with, you can start to begin the count down to when she will start to feel some relief. For me it was about 2 weeks after radiation stopped, but hopefully hers will be quicker.That seems like a lot of oxicodone - I definitely would not increase it unless her doctor says its okay.When I went through radiation, there would have been no way I could have worked (I'm a stay at home Mom). I LIVED in my Lazy-Boy recliner for weeks. I read about people that continue to work as well and I don't know how they do it.I'm so sorry you and your mother are having to go through this. It breaks my heart every time I read your updates. I will continue to pray for you both.

by Monique on Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:28 am
I did not have to undergo radiation, but I found the side effects of chemo sometimes extremely painful. Thus, I am really, really sorry to hear about your Mum's side effects. When I was undergoing treatment my bowels were ravaged: constipation and ongoing diarrhea (sometimes as many as twenty - thirty trips to the bathroom), which resulted in some brutal fissures. I think that my bowel issues were the worst side effect of my treatment (and not to scare others, because certainly not everyone suffers from these things).Frankly, the only thing that seemed to take the edge off the pain was long, epson salt baths and, after a few chemotherapy treatments, knowing what to expect and preparing myself for the side effects. For instance, while experiencing constipation, I would eat prunes or drink prune juice (however, another poster remarked that prunes gave him the trots, so if your Mum is trying them out, I suggest that she only do so in moderation). When I was experiencing relentless diarrhea, I would take Imodium in the morning to nip things in the bud. I also ate a very bland diet (Google "BRAT"). This seemed to help somewhat. Although these things didn't cure the symptoms, they did seem to help a fair bit. I don't know if this will make your Mum feel any better, but I did not, and could not, continue with my hobbies, never mind my job or school. No way. By the way, I have a nurse friend who insists that no one's pain be more than a four out of ten. So, if your Mum is suffering more than a four out of ten, I would suggest you immediately speak to a doctor regarding pain management (as well as a nurse, as they are often even more helpful than the doctors and, in my experience, fantastic advocates). Also, my learned nurse friend said that the best way to treat pain is to treat it early, before it reaches a 4/10, otherwise it can be difficult subdue.Monique

(Me) Re: Bad Nights
by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:39 am
Belle, I'm so glad you are there, do you not sleep either. I would have had her admitted to hospital last Monday if they would've agreed. I feel like such a downer and a terrible failure at mind over matter, this really seems impossible at times.Monday they told us no solid foods just clear fluids. She's doing miralax laxitive. She can't try to physicaaly move things b/c radiation burns. She hurts terribly when peeing, thought doing it in the tub of water might be an idea but initial hit if water is equally as bad. She just uncontrollbly shakes from pain. Oh, she's had 4 consecutive days off radiation, go back tomorrow, still 9 left.

Re: Bad Nights
by wamo on Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:20 am
I can hear your worry and pain in your message.... take a deep breath and know you are doing all you can to help your mom...My husband had rectal cancer and 6 weeks of radiation everyday M-F.... he tolerated it well until about 3/4 of the way through. He had the excruciating pain, uncontrollable shaking / shuddering from the pain when he tried to go to the bathroom. He also was on oxycodone... and as long as he wasn't driving he could have 2 every two hours... but sometimes that just isn't the right pain med for the pain receptors that are experiencing the pain. I would first ask onc if there was another thing to try... at one point they had him taking Motrin and Oxycodone and that helped a lot when he had a rectal abscess.Now this is really KEY..... SITZ BATH SITZ BATH SITZ BATHSSSSSSSSSSS. No one ever told us this would help despite our reporting in of his horrible pain from treatment. I got on the computer one night and saw a couple of references to do sitz baths to relieve the pain. My husband could have kissed my feet.... he said that was the ONLY thing that helped him. It was still tough and painful but frequent sitz baths helped over all with all of it. Basically, warm water in the tub, no soap... and you only need enough for the water to go just under your bum area... not a full on bath, I'd say 4 inches max water height. He couldn't believe none of the doctors ever mentioned something like this might help and boy did it! So at least try... It sucks, no doubt. And being a caregiver myself, it is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love in that much pain. I used to worry about how much pain meds and would he get addicted, etc. One time my pharmacist told me (we have become good friends since I see him so much) that when someone has cancer those concerns become secondary... your priority is to help them through their pain. So don't worry too much ok.Hang in there I know it feels like how can I do this another day sometimes, but you can and you will get through this time.Wamo

(Me) by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:20 am
Did your husband lose it and say to leave him alone at points. It's 3am, 1 hr before next dose of oxycodone and her pain level is bad and climbing and anxiety through the roof. She wanted me to leave her alone, she was going to lay on towels on kitchen floor. I convinced her to get backin bed but that I'd stay in living rm to give her space. She's out of her head, I can't reach her. She thinks she is blocked and can't get relief. She hasn't had food for 2.5 days. she had enough liquids the past 2 days. Can I give her Lorazapam anxiety pill 2 hrs early.

Re: Bad Nights
by wamo on Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:46 am
Yes he did ask me to give him space in a sense... he couldn't talk for a while after bathroom attempts.... it would come on suddenly too be watery yet took all he had in him just to get it out... infact it was like his body was forcing him to push even though he didn't want to (he also has hemorrhoids). All I can do is relate what happened with us, I am no doctor and certainly don't want to act like I am one. So I have no idea if you should give that anxiety pill early or if that is a really bad thing to do.With our insurance we have a phone number to an advice nurse and if you have that too, I would call the heck out of that thing and let her know your mom's pain meds level and the pain scale rating she is at 1 being no pain and 10 being worst pain you could ever imagine. Let them guide you on all your worries. If you don't have that, perhaps you have a 24 hr number for oncology... there is probably an on-call oncologist always available. You would just call your cancer center and they would either give you a number to an advice nurse or page the oncologist or however they work it. You should not feel that you are alone in this. Make those calls describe everything and they will let you know if yes that is normal or is this happening also or get her to ER now or see oncologist first thing in the am or whatever is appropriate. But bottom line is take the pressures off of you. Your mom knows you are available to her, be close but give her space if that is what she needs to deal with this. We all have our ways of dealing with pain and feelings of desperation. This is cancer.... it is ugly at times. Stay on it enough so you are comfortable in knowing that you have asked all of the right questions and so on...I wish I could do more to help you and your mom. I am sorry for all that you both are going through.WAMO

Re: Bad Nights
(Me) by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:50 am
Okay, at 4:00 when I brought her the Oxycodon she apologized. I told her it's okay, she has a right to lose it and be upset and angry. I felt her, she was burning up. Took her temp and it was 101.28. Called the nurse on call, gave 2 tylenol and started antibotic that she has if temp goes above 100. She's had pain pills, anxiety pill (20 minutes early). I'm wondering if there's no constipation only the feeling of it b/c she's so messed up inside from the radiation. Burnt, inflammed, swolen and that's what's making her think she's constipated. She hasn't eaten in 2.5 days. She had plenty of fluids the past 2 days. Yesterday with IV and today drank over 2 pints. She hasn't passed hard stool today only diarrhea. She had 2 mirclax ( stool softener) and a couple of suppositories. Anxiety back down (I told her temp was 100), pain pills in effect, back in control Thank you

Re: Bad Nights
(Me) by momsCancer on Wed Jun 18, 2008 4:58 am
Thank you so much for being there. I think we are okay and back in control. I might sound totally losing it when posting but I really try to put game face on for her; calm and never tears. Whle I think I pull it off pretty good, I don't know. It's really hard to know what to do when her anxiety and pain are thru the roof. I try to give her space but at the same time worry that getting in and out of bed on pain med and total exhaustion, she's going to collaspe or something. I just try to be where she can't see me but close enough to know what's going on. I wish I was a nurse and had more exp with all this. I just don't know when it's really serious or not. This thing is really a rollercoaster ride. It helps so much with ya'll there. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Night of the Living Dead

2008-06-16T20:30:00.003-05:00

The last few days have been really bad and last night made really bad look like a walk in the park. I want to update everyone but I've got to keep it short b/c I'm running a little to no sleep. Saturday, Mom was in a lot of pain and last night was the worse yet. Yesterday afternoon, major stomach cramps hit, Mom intensely needed to have a bowel movement and was blocked. It came and went in waves, like spasms and increased in duration into the night. She was able to get some out, it was terribly hard and caused rips and hemmoroids. What's weird is that she obviously is constipated but at the same time has major diahrea. When the urge hit, she had no control and could not make it to the toilet every time. Remember, she gave up underwear weeks ago. She took the hydrocodeine at 5:00 but then did not take any for the rest of the night/morning. I'm the pain pill enforcer. Last night, I thought I really messed up and was the cause of her intense pain and suffering. I couldn't make her take the pain med and as the night wore on, her pain was off the chart. I've never seen someone is so much pain and there was absolutely nothing I could do. The more I tried to help, the more aggrivated she became with me. I just kept trying to help her go between the toilet and then to the tub to clean. In between the waves, she'd lay on the bathroom floor at times furiously praying and then swearing she would not make it through the night. I was in panic mode by 4:00am and called the nurse on call. She said to go get suppository and fleet enema if it didn't help to take her to the emergency room. Dad stayed with Mom and I ran into town in the middle of a thunderstorm to get the stuff. When I got to Walmart, it was pitch black. They had lost power and did not even have the back up generators working. The store was completely dark and the doors were locked. I tried the other 2 drug stores, but they weren't open either. I drove into the city, found a Walgreens and probably an hour later made it back to the house. At this point, she is totally spent, dyhydrated, lathargic, and completely numb by pain. Long story short, my husband drove all of us to the hospital. We went to the radiologist thinking she could possibly expediate the emergency room visit. While she was looking Mom over, Mom felt the urge. I quickly start wheeling her towards the bathroom. We didn't make it. It got all over her clothes, down her legs, pretty much everywhere. Something funny looking back is that the radiologist yelled out to us as we're racing down the hallway do you want Idiot Nurse to help? Mom and I yell back in unison, NO! Anyway, I grabbed hospital gowns from the radiation dressing room and she made a skirt out of it. The radiologist said to go to the oncologist down the road that she couldn't have her admitted to the hospital. The oncologist didn't want to admit her b/c the risk of infection in the hospital. In between runs to the bathroom, Mom got an IV of fluids, 2 things of morophone which still didn't take the pain away if you can imagine, and sent us home. While there her temp was 99.6 and bloodpressure 97/58. By the way, we got a prescription of oxycodone 5mg. She can take 1 to 2 pills every 4 hours. It is awesome, a miracle drug! She's taking a stool softner and suppository. Oh, I hope tonight is better, much better.

My Friend

2008-06-13T22:39:00.004-05:00

Hey, ain't it good to know
that you've got a friend
When life can be so cold
it'll hurt you and desert you
It'll take your soul
if you let it
Oh, but don't you let it

Cuz, You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running
to see you again
Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall
All you've got to do is call
And I'll be there, yea yea yea
You've got a friend

I've got a friend and today when I called, she came running!

No More Chemo, Nine Hits of Radiation Left

2008-06-13T20:37:00.004-05:00

It was a long night and day for mom. Yesterday, the oncologist nurse (head nurse) called back with a prescription of Tramadol 50 mg. Mom's suppose to take 1 tablet every 6 hours. She said it would help with inflammation and pain. I'm not sure how effective it is b/c we didn't get it until 5:30 last night. She took it and then a few minutes later took a full dose of hydrocodone. I left their house at 9:30 last night thinking she'd be okay through the night. Dad says she was up alot last night hurting.

This morning he thought she was in bed asleep while he was working in the office, when he heard her calling for help in the kitchen. She was doubled over thinking she was going to pass out. She felt really bad this morning, probably about the worse I've seen her, but we took her to radiation this morning anyway. Before leaving, I gave her an anxiety pill, another dose of hydrocodone and nausea medicine.

For most of this week she's not eating or drinking much and is staying in bed either hurting or knocked out for short spells from hydrocodone. I've tried to keep her drinking water especially b/c she had the chemo - Mitomycen-C on Monday and the 5-FU pumping all week until noon today, but she only sipped water here and there.

At the hospital for radiation, first time ever I asked for a wheelchair when we pulled up b/c she's so lightheaded, weak and drugged from the hydrocodone. I tell ya, I really despise the nurse there. She doesn't know anything, but acts like she knows it all. I'd respect her more if she'd just say that she doesn't know but will try to go find out instead of dishing out wrong info left and right.

Today, she brought out a thermometer, mom ran a fever yesterday afternoon and evening at the highest was 99.94. Because she ran a fever and her cell count was so low last chemo round and wasn't as high as the oncologist would have liked at the start of this weeks chemo, he said to routinely check her temp and call in and start taking the antibiotic he had us get, if her temp hit 100. Anyway the nurse attempted to take mom's temp with a digital thermometer. B/c mom had just taken a drink of water, she said she'd take it in her armpit. It wasn't registering. I told her to forget it, we'd have it checked at the clinic after radiation. She said that there's no need to worry unless her temp is 102 or more. 102 temperature for someone on chemo is very serious!

She's the same stupid nurse that told me to get Tucks Medicated pads which totally lit mom up Wed. I might as well had poured straight alcohol on her, it hurt so bad. Also, she told me to get Domeboro soaks to go in her sitz bath. Okay Domeboro is to dry up poison ivy and such rashes, radiation is totally drying mom up down under, so that again was bad info. Although we kinda figured it out on our own, the head nurse at the chemo place told us to immediately stop both.

The stupid radiation nurse was the one yesterday who also said that mom's pain from the radiation burns was like what she experiences from sunburns. She said she gets really bad sunburns. Tell me how I could not think she's a total idiot equating mom's radiation burns to her sunburns. She also brought us a little tiny sample of aquafor and said to use it sparingly b/c a little goes a long way. Mom almost goes through a regular size bottle each day. We slather it on the inside of her legs and front to back at least a 1/4 of an inch thick every time she goes to the bathroom and/or gets a sitz bath (almost every 2 hours) I'm telling ya, she doesn't know anything.

The radiologists are gone until Monday, hope they have a wonderful long weekend, NOT.

Mom was radiated and we left for the chemo clinic.

Back in the treatment room, they checked her blood pressure and it was 87/63. The head nurse took Mom to a room to check her down under. She says that it does look good (like the radiologist said) She said that it no doubt is extremely painful but the skin is still intact and while there's swelling it's still okay. She ordered mom a thing of morphine, they unhooked the chemo pump and gave her a bag of fluids. Oh, and she also had her $4000.00 shot to up her white blood cell count. I'm still in shock that 1 shot can cost $4000.00, that's crazy. The financial secretary said no worries, insurance cover it. Crazy, I tell ya!

By the time we left, mom looked so much better. The morphine and fluids really brought her back to life. They were suppose to take the pic line out today but decided to leave it in just in case she needs another IV of fluids. Head nurse told me to make sure she's getting enough water and to up the hydrocodone to 6 teaspoons rather than 3 every 6 hours. She said to give her doses between 2 - 6 teaspoons during the day according to the pain level and give her exactly 6 teaspoons before bed each night. Mom's been trying to suffer through instead of taking the full dose as needed. I've taken over administering medicine!

I guess the morphine really worked wonders and thank God and the head nurse for it b/c when we got home mom asked me if I thought her burn was better than yesterday b/c it really wasn't hurting. It looks the same, she's just not in crazy pain b/c she's drugged.

This afternoon/evening has been pretty uneventful. Her pain level is way down and she just wants to sleep. She's not wanting to do her sitz baths or still drink enough water b/c she just wants to sleep. It's hard to enforce it b/c she's resting so peacefully.

The head nurse is on-call all day tomorrow, I'm going to call and ask about the Biafine Prescription Cream something suggested on my post on the colon club. I told the head nurse that I'm going to totally rely on her and mom's oncologist for help, not the folks at radiation. We'll try to keep going for radiation but besides that we're done with them. I'm still not giving up on a prescription cream that will numb her burns.

As far as side effects from the chemo, the main one this week has been nausea and today lightheadedness from dehydration. Mom and I were talking yesterday. She's wondering if this round of chemo is better than last. During the first week of chemo last time she was not only nausis and lightheaded but also felt like she had the flu 100 times over. I think the pain is so intense from the burns from radiation, that it's masking the side effects of chemo. You know, kinda like if your thumb hurts, let me stomp on your foot to take your mind off it.

That's where we're at today. I can't tell you what it means to know there's caring people who are there for you and understand the pain mom's in b/c the ones that don't really upset you.

I know I'm being terrible but I've really lost patience with incompetent or just plain uncaring docs, nurses, technicians and such. There's those really great ones out there who make such a difference but nothing can make you snap faster than the others.

The hospital has a valet service for radiation patients. We are greeted by the same valet guy every day and he meets us on some days with smiles and other days with a face of genuine concern and kind words. I can't tell you what he means to us.

Also, I've told you about the really great (cute I might add) radiation technician. He is great at his job, he has a personality and sense of humor to brighten really dark days, and truly is concerned and connects with his patients. All the patients including mom want him each and every day. He told me today that we can ask for him each day which I will (Man, I hope he doesn't tell the other patients that or else everyone will only see him) The heartless technicians who are just doing a job makes mom have anxiety attacks and want to quit that much more. I don't think they understand that their patients are sometimes hanging on by threads and their actions and demeanor really can be devastating blow.

Soccer mom is getting worse. The radiation to her brain tumor has her unable to think straight, has really affected her mental processing. She started radiation the same time mom did and started having side effects when mom did. The first 2 weeks she came in bright and cheerful always grabbing our hands and asking how we are doing. She is such an amazing sweet, giving person. (full of life) The third week when the burns started bothering mom and weird pains shooting in her hips, soccer mom came in off balance and kinda angry but bound and determined not to let the cancer or treatment take her down. Please pray for her and her family!

Mom's chemo neighbor was a really pretty probably 30 something woman. She was dressed to the nines and looked picture perfect healthy. She really was concerned for mom and was so sweet. She asked mom's name and said she'd pray for her. She's been on chemo for 5 years. She has a blood disease, it's terminal. Doesn't it just make you want to march right up to God and demand to know why?

My mom is my life right now. All my energy, effort, thoughts and love go to her and her recovery. What hurts the most and is the hardest to accept, is that many times it's not enough to make it better. I still can't believe this has happened. I was definitely one of those people who didn't have a clue about this disease (so I guess I should have more patience for the clueless)

I'm definitely 100% forever changed.

Ready to Rumble with the Radiologist

2008-06-11T23:28:00.005-05:00

Mom's in a lot of pain from radiation and the radiologist is wasting our time with stupid over the counter bull crap. Here's my post and some of the comments from the colon club concerning this situation.

Me: Mom's completed 22 of 33 hits of radiation. This weekend the burns have started to become pretty miserable. Now on Wed. it's unbearable. The doc says not to miss any treatments but she won't give her anything to help. She says use aquafor which we've done from the beginning. It coats but doesn't relieve. Now she said to get Tuck's Wipes. We got some to try but why can't she just prescribe something to numb it. Also, the bumps are getting bigger and itching worse. There's got to be something that will help. Makes me so mad!

Response: The cream I used is called Silver Sulfadiazine Cream 400GM. It was prescribed when my genital area started to get raw. I couldn't urinate without excruciating pain - I'm talking on a scale of 1-10 this was a 9. I cried every time I had to go. So I would urinate, then use a non-scented baby wipe to gently pat off any residue, then dry gently with toilet paper, then apply the cream (each and every time I had to go). It did give me a lot of relief from the pain. Not 100% relief, but I could hardly function without it.

Me: Thanks for all the suggestions, She's in so much pain and I'm just flat out mad. A couple of weeks ago when it was sore but not unbearable, I asked the radiologist for the Silver prescription stuff (can't think of the complete name) but I took the name of it to her. Someone suggested it from a previous post. Anyway, she said Mom didn't need it now. She looks better than other patients, and to wait. She also said that she doesn't like prescribing the silver stuff b/c it's hard to get off. If it helps her why not give it to her and and we'll make sure its off for radiation. At the beginning, doc told her that the most important radiation sessions are at the end, that it would get painful but not to quit. She said that it was our job to get mom there and she would do the rest. I'm talking to the doc letting her know mom's pain level and that she's asking Dad and I to let her stay home. I'm taking her everyday but with 11 left, somethings got to give. She's all swollen, itching from the bumps, her skin from inside her thighs, front to back is a burgundy color. The heat coming off it is intense. She had diarrhea on Saturday so bad that she couldn't make it to the bathroom and just cried with it all over her clothes and on the floor since she can't wear panties. She took Imodium and hasn't gone at all since. She's scared to take a laxative with the radiation each day and chemo (5-FU and Mitomycin) which both cause diarrhea. Today I brought mom home and gave her a dose of hydrocodeine and an anxiety pill. She slept a lot and would wake up to pee (ouch); apply more of over counter crap, and to drink water. One more thing, I don't think the doc likes me researching and asking so many questions This week I asked about the dilators b/c of the post last week. She said not to worry about it until treatment is over. The nerve of me to ask questions.

Response: i think the painkiller pill prescription is perfectly reasonable - I'm given pain pills for the pain my bones from cancer - when It hurt so bad in the beginning that I couldn't lay still on the radiation table my radiation doctor gave me something called ACT - basically morphine on a lolly pop. why can't your mother's doctor at least give her the pain pills.I think you should visit another doctor and ask for a 2nd opinion - I can understand you're being mad. this doctor sounds almost heartless.

Another Response: remember, you don't have to beg - you can leave this doctor and go to another - yes there that would be a break in your mother's radiation treatment, which would be a complication for the next doctor, but you are the patient and you can "vote with your feed" and leave her care at anytime and get a new doctor.the only complication is this doctor has you a little over a barrel that she has started this treatment and it's much harder now to switch to a new doctor.but only harder - not impossible - pain relief is the right of any patient, this doctor wanted to take a wait and see position on the cream (because she thought the inconvenience of removing it was more important than her patient's pain relief) some form of pain relief seems like the the least she can do now. if this doctor can't see that, I'm certain there are any number of other doctors who surely would.and regardless, I would switch doctors after this whatever the outcome. clearly this is not a doctor who is working as a partner in this treatment plan, but running the show how she sees fit.I'm not trying to inflame the situation here, but it is important I believe that you and your family take charge from this doctor.

And Another - I hate to say this, but this doctor sounds cruel. When I went through radiation I had a lot of difficulty as well, but my radiation nurse would meet with me at the drop of a hat (which for a couple of weeks was every single day) to try to find a medication or other procedure to help me deal with whatever side effect was bothering me at the time. And the doctor was available as well if either myself or the nurse felt she couldn't adequately address my issues. They were very compassionate. I had tons of prescriptions - all for different issues and if one didn't work we quickly moved on to something else.I brought up the vaginal dilator thing and the nurse told me they would normally discuss it after treatment, but as I brought it up and wanted to discuss it earlier, they were more than happy to discuss it and answer any/all of my questions at that time. After treatment we went over it again and I got specific directions on what needed to be done.Of all the professions to have a poor bedside manner, a radiation doctor, yikes. I am so, so sorry your mother is having to go through this.

Another - P.S. - the silver sulfadiazine cream is NOT difficult to get off. Before I went in for treatment I would take a shower with soap/water and poof! It came off - no scrubbing, no nothing, it just washes right off. Where the doctor gets the idea that it is hard to get off is beyond me. Cruel I tell ya.

Last One - I was "turned in" by the radiation technician because I wasn't telling the radiologist how much pain I was in. Boy oh boy did I get a talking to by the nurse and the doc.They were so upset with me because I was "suffering in silence". I get tears now when I remember just how kind and compassionate they were to me. I am so grateful to them because I know I would have not been able to finish my treatment without their care and support,Your Mom deserves better treatment.

For more comments, click below:

Radiation getting Unbearable 1, 2by momsCancer on Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:21 pm

I've bragged on Mom's radiologist saying how lucky we are to have her. But now that Mom's pain is high and still climbing from the burns and she still wants to try to appease us with over the counter bull crap, I'm running out of patience and getting flat out mad.

As if that's not enough, I think this week's chemo is showing it's ugly head in the form of bad flu-like symptoms. But unlike the burns from radiation, the oncologist at the chemo treatment center prescribed plenty of drugs ready and waiting to attack the chemo side effects and his head nurse said if they don't work, they'll quickly find something that will, just to call her. The radiologist at the hospital needs to get with the program!

Hopefully tomorrow we'll come home with some prescribed drugs/ointments to relieve the burns from radiation. She's gonna need that and more to help her ride out the next 11 hits of radiation.

Chemoville

2008-06-09T13:31:00.003-05:00

Wasted away again in Chemoville.

This morning was pretty rough. Mom's anxiety level was off the charts. We left the house in pouring down rain, she took an anxiety pill, and made it to the hospital for radiation before 8am. She didn't wait long before being called back for her daily dose, unfortunately she got the terrible technician. (of all days) This technician had trouble lining her up so it took longer. Mom said that as she held the position, butt in the air, the radiation machine kept making the running noise over and over. It kinda sounds like the drill at the dentist office. Anyway, the technician wasn't letting Mom know what she was doing. Mom panicked thinking they were zapping her over and over again with radiation. Mom said it was all she could do not to come off the table swinging. With just a little communication from the technician, she could have avoided the panic attack and feelings of claustrophobia. Anyway, this technician doesn't have a clue, too bad there's not some way she could experience the humiliating butt in the air with people drawing red and blue lines on each cheek with an assimilated radiation machine clicking and running. And afterwards, maybe even take a trip to assimilated chemoville for good measure.

Mom's head was pounding as we walked out of the hospital, you could see the pain on her face. She asked me if I thought she could handle some coffee so that maybe the caffeine would take the edge off her headache. As much as I wanted to give her anything to help, I told her it was not a good idea. She's not suppose to have any caffeine when on chemo so I was scared she'd really pay for it later. As we got in the car to head to chemo, I encouraged her to ditch the wig. It was just making the headache worse, cute just wasn't worth it today. She grabbed a hat from the backseat and we went into the chemo clinic.

We walk into the treatment room, first time ever I've seen it empty. Mornings might be the best time to come. I start scanning the faces of the nurses looking for Favorite Nurse. She's not there so Mom picks a recliner to wait. A nurse came to flush her pic line and take blood to check all cell counts. Okay, this nurse was a complete idiot. I guess you could say she was a total multi-tasker because as she messed with Mom's pic line, she obnoxiously chomped on gum all the while flirting with the guy nurse. Boy,when it rains, it pours.

When Idiot Nurse finished, we went back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor. Mom's anxiety pill is not even making a dent on this day. Finally, we were called back to meet the doctor. Mom really likes her doctor, but hates doctor days especially right before chemo. He checked her out and explained the plan for surviving the next round of chemo. He told her that today's blood work showed her red and white blood cells lower than what he'd like, but they'd go ahead with chemo. He gave her an antibiotic prescription to keep at the house. He said to continually check her temp and if it hits 100.0 to call them and start taking the drugs. He's also going to give her a shot on Friday that goes straight to her bone marrow to raise her white blood cell count. Get this, this one shot costs $4000.00! Unbelievable huh? He said to check with the financial person before getting the shot on Friday to make sure insurance will cover it. ( ya think) The nurse said that there won't be a problem, because they can either pay for the $4000.00 shot or risk having to pay $50,000 for a hospital stay. The doctor also said they'd give her more drugs to hopefully fend off the mouth sores and yeast infection. I swear, Mom could open her own pharmacy with all the drugs she's had to buy.

The doctor's head nurse stuck her head in to check on Mom. She's really awesome and was Mom's rescuer when the mouth sores were in full swing. She told Mom that of all her patients, none were as sick as she was and that her mouth sores/yeast infection was about the worse she's seen. There's no guarantee that she won't get the outbreak again, but I know that if we call Rescue Nurse, she'll be right there. After she left the room and Mom and I waited for the doc to come back with the prescriptions, I told Mom, well that explains why she felt so bad and maybe now she could give herself a break from the guilty feeling of not being strong enough. She started crying as we continued to wait for the doc.

Finally, I got up to go find the doc and beg (if I had to) for something to ease Mom's anxiety. He said no problem, the nurse gave us the prescriptions, and we head for our final destination, chemoville. The treatment room has more passengers but still nothing like when we've been there before. We pick a chair far away from the first chair and hopefully away from Idiot Nurse. The second nurse was better and she brought the feel-good shot which was definitely a plus. Mom immediately relaxed as she was injected with chemo. Afterwards, the better nurse hooked up Mom's pump full of 5-FU chemo and we were off as it continues to rain.

We made it home by 11:00 and Mom was in bed minutes later. It's almost 3:00 and with the exception of one trip to the bathroom, a nibble on a cracker, and drink of water she's experienced the first few hours of her trip drunk and knocked out. That's a good thing!

Chemo Eve

2008-06-08T18:57:00.004-05:00

Twas the night before chemo and all through the house, we all lay in bed praying the chemo would pass. The car is gassed up and ready for the day, I hope this time's different to give us a break.

I know, pretty cheesy but I just couldn't help myself. It was probably Baby Girl singing Jingle Bells yesterday that made me think of Twas the night before Chemo. I've made it to Mom's to spend the night. Tomorrow will be an early start. We'll go to radiation at 8:00 and then off to chemo at 9:00. I'm sure it will feel like a full days work by noon. I hope we're home by then.

This week has definitely had it's ups and downs. Mom was pretty tired both Monday and Tuesday. We did go to that make-up thing called Look Better, Feel Good. There was a woman there with her daughter. She's fighting breast cancer. Her daughter is probably 14 or 15ish. Both her and her husband were diagnosed with cancer within a week apart. Can you imagine?

Anyway, Mom got a bunch of really cool FREE make-up and skin care products from Clinique, Mary Kay and such, probably a $200 to $300 value, pretty nifty. With 2 doctor appts and work that day, Mom was dragging. But what did her in were the hard folding chairs. I knew she wouldn't make it through the 2 hour make-up class sitting in those chairs. The radiation has really done a number on her, making sitting a problem. So after an hour, we left.

Wednesday, she went to work and when she made it home, she crashed. Thursday and Friday were great. Besides the increasing tenderness from radiation, she felt good and was looking forward to enjoying the weekend.

Oh, forgot to mention, her hair continued to fall out all week long. Mornings were pretty hard. I think every morning she hoped it would stop, but it didn't. Hair continued to fall out everywhere. She'd leave a trail of hair from the bed, to the bathroom, on the couch, to the car. She continually ran her fingers through her hair pulling out handfuls. She didn't even notice how much she messed with it and attempting to fix it each morning left her really upset. By Thursday, her hair looked like one of those barbie dolls with chunks of hair gone and only strands of hair left. We went wig shopping on Thursday, Little Man gave a really good account of our shopping experience, check it out at http://www.sirtalksawholelot.blogspot.com

After a couple of good days, we all had high hopes for the weekend. She really deserved a great weekend before chemo. But she woke up nauseous. I'm not sure if it's chemo, radiation, or nerves anticipating Monday's next round of chemo. Whatever it was from, she didn't feel good like the two days before. She finally gave up on her hair and let Dad give her a buzz cut. That was pretty traumatic. I can't imagine the initial shock of looking in the mirror. Needless to say, it was a rough morning. Her burns stretch from the inside of her thighs to her butt and everywhere in between which left her miserable for the complete day. And if that wasn't bad enough, the stress and worry of Chemo Monday pushed her closer to a complete meltdown.

She's had a little diarrhea over the past couple days, but not bad. She told me Saturday afternoon that it was beginning to strike with more urgency and she was worried that she might not make it to the bathroom. As I said before, the burns from the radiation really have become intense this week so she's ditched her panties. Remember, she's only wearing dresses and skirts b/c pants hurt too bad. She says without panties, it's kinda breezy. Dad says that we can all show her support by not wearing underwear too. Hubby says it works for him. . . go figure. Anyway, Mom was in the kitchen Saturday evening, diarrhea hit and she couldn't make it to the bathroom. It got all over her clothes, the floor, pretty much everywhere. She was horrified. Definitely one of the hardest things about this disease is the loss of control over your body, emotions and mind.

Speaking of mind, there really is something to chemo brain. I'm not sure if it's the actual chemo, stress, exhaustion or a combination of it all that affects you, but it is noticeable. She'll ask a question and then ask the same question a few minutes later. She's also losing words. Saturday while watching gymnastics on TV she asked, "What is that thing they're on?" It was the balance beam. She said concentrating at work is tough and most of the time around people, she's pretty quiet. She zones out often which worried me. I finally asked her if she was just too upset to talk or if the fatigue and meds had her comatose. She said most of the time, she's comatose, maybe that's a good thing. Chemo brain is very real and was discussed recently at http://www.colonclub.com/ just click on Colon Talk at the top and scroll down to the post about chemo brain.

Sunday was better. Imodium stopped the diarrhea. She came into town on a mission to find underwear, going without is just too scary at this point. My best friend and I joined her on the mission. My bf found some really soft silky panties and with a little work, I think they'll do. She bought size large so it'll fit loose. We're going to cut the elastic out around the legs, so that hopefully it will just hang and not irritate the burns on the inside of her thighs. We all agreed that we need to design undergarments for those going through radiation, there's definitely a need and market there. Also, bf brought us some gels and lotions for burns from her work. One was aloe with Novocaine to numb the burns on the inside of her thighs. It works great! After listening to my whiny butt till late Saturday night, bf said that she woke up in the middle of the night thinking about the burn cream. She text me early Sunday morning and said she'd get the stuff from work and meet me in town.

I must confess, I still haven't prayed. Bf thinks I'm angry with God about this whole ordeal and she maybe right. I can't really explain exactly why, but when I go to pray I just can't find words. I'm relying on when in dark points in your life, God carries you through not b/c how much faith you have or how much you've prayed, but just b/c he loves you and said he'd never leave you or forsake you. I haven't felt alone through any of this and maybe like this song on the CD my bf let me borrow (she somehow knew from the beginning I'd need it), It says, "This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise is that when everything fails, you'll be held." I might have a few words wrong, but you get the gist of it. I've also thought of the one set of footprints in the sand, through the hardest parts of your life, He carries you. I think that's the only way me, dad, and especially mom is making it through. This whole cancer experience brings new definition to the Valley of the Shadow of Death. At this point there's not been a sudden healing and so we continue to watch Mom go through 14 more hits of radiation and 1 more chemo for her healing. Bf brought me 2 more praise and worship Cd's today. We've been friends since 3rd grade. She's been there for me through several really tough times, but I think this takes the cake. I'm not sure how I'd make it through this without her.

Okay, it's past midnight on Chemo Eve, so here's to having a better chemo tomorrow and to all a goodnight. (sorry, had to do it :)